Hello old friends, and most likely new ones! Its been a rough two years, and I don’t know where to start really, so I’ll be brief.
My brother in law passed away in April 2014. This was ve ty hard on me I became actively suicidal.
My best friend committed suicide in September of 2014, and as a result I ended up in the hospital addicted to heroin as the result of a failed suicide attempt. While in the hospital my grandfather passed away, an d I missed the funeral. Then an old friend died. Lots of loss. I spent the next year on methadone or subutex, which I was told by a series of Dr’s was what I was supposed to do. I came off of subutex at the beginning of this year, and omfg, I feel like I spent 2015 asleep. If you remember, I love writing, I did almost none of that for the entirety of '15. But, and this is weird, I almost feel like the opiates/methadone were the strongest, and most effective antidepressants I have ever taken.
But anyway, I’m back to being alive, I’m currently doing better. I have strong anxiety still, delusions and auditory hallucinations, but the impact these have on my life has shifted. The fear from such experiences is almost gone, and has been replaced by excitement and intruigue. What a muse for my writing, right? It brings me back to a conversation I had with my friend who passed over. He told me about a video he saw online of a man with Schz walking down the street. The man pointed at some birds in a tree, and with a smile, said ‘do you see those birds? They’re talkin bout me’. My friend and I talked about this and how nice it would be to enjoy our diagnosis, and have fun with it, instead of being trapped in a state of panic and dread.
Now of course I still have moments, but it has definitely shifted. I still get depressed and still have anxiety, but for now at least, I’m doing a lot better.
I think a lot of it has to do with where I live, I moved out of the city. I have a horse again, like when I was a kid before the symptoms crashed on me. Being around my horse, nature, and having less interactions with people is helping a lot. I can still do stuff outside, but I don’t feel like I’m trapped anymore, like people are watching me, because there’s no one around to look at me in the first place! Lol!
I have been getting back into my writing, which I love, and trying to make music out of it. My writing has also changed, but for the better I think.
Anyway so there we have it! I am still alive, just living a life away from the hoards of people that swarm the city.