What was it like. My last memory of being genuinely happy was like I don’t even remember. Maybe when I was 17. Then I traveled and moved away by myself, it was a disaster. Learning experience, I was always angry and bitter at a very young age, was it because of pre-schizophrenia? frustrated and lack of experience with how to deal with different people and situations, I had bursts of outrage.
Then in 2011, I moved to Canada. The big change in my life triggered full-blown psychosis. I was all alone at 21 years old. I traveled back to my hometown, I still remember how traumatized I was during the flight across the ocean and my sister helped me find a psychiatrist, they put me on 5 mg Abilify. I was psychotic for like a period of 9 months. I had to find a job while I was recovering from a psychosis so I could pay for my Abilify medication which was like 200$ a month. I stayed with my sister and she took care of me. NONE of my friends helped me.
I had a friend who is a drug addict, her husband was in prison, she visited me, she got me a stuffed animal and a balloon. I will never forget that.
Fast forward a year, I moved back to Canada, I was fine for a while, it took me like 2 years to just feel like I was myself again, to find myself, I started an online business and had a relapse in winter 2013.
My doctor prescribed me Zeldox and while I was coming off Abilify, winter 2014 was a nightmare. I had brain zaps, palpitations, insomnia, paranoia, delusions for 3 months until the meds kicked in. Spring 2014 was my time. I felt happy, I lost 40 lbs exercised 7 days a week, found a full time job and went to university, took art classes, marketing classes, made lots of new friends, started clubbing. It was my time.
Something changed in winter 2015, I was hit by a huge flashback of the trauma of my first-time psychosis, the intrusive thoughts started. My doctor put me on Latuda and I started drinking a lot to numb down the thoughts, this combination made me talk to myself. It got really bad. I tried finding a new job, they fired me because I was making a lot of mistakes.
Fast forward 2020. It’s been 5 years I’ve been living with intense PTSD. I did CBT, EMDR, Supplements, I tried like 20 different meds, supplements, meditation, yoga, exercise. It’s not going away. I learned to better hide it. My partner’s friends have NO CLUE I have schizophrenia. Most of my friends have NO CLUE I have schizophrenia, I am highly functional but suffering. When I’m alone I talk to myself but when I am among other people I am a great actress. I can no longer hold a full time job though, my sleep schedule is all over the place and my partner stayed with me through all of this symptoms. He’s very nice to me. If it was another guy he wouldn’t stay. I told me a few times I wanna leave and be alone but he always convinces me to stay. It’s not like some guy will be able to live with me. I asked me to buy me a VERY expensive diamond ring, he agreed. He’s a superhero. I do whatever I can to keep him happy, I have a lot to offer other than my awful mental health.
Now mission impossible, find a solution for my PTSD, intrusive thoughts. Will I EVER find a solution?
Life after schizophrenia and severe trauma I became stronger, independent, materialistic.