Life before schizophrenia

What was it like. My last memory of being genuinely happy was like I don’t even remember. Maybe when I was 17. Then I traveled and moved away by myself, it was a disaster. Learning experience, I was always angry and bitter at a very young age, was it because of pre-schizophrenia? frustrated and lack of experience with how to deal with different people and situations, I had bursts of outrage.

Then in 2011, I moved to Canada. The big change in my life triggered full-blown psychosis. I was all alone at 21 years old. I traveled back to my hometown, I still remember how traumatized I was during the flight across the ocean and my sister helped me find a psychiatrist, they put me on 5 mg Abilify. I was psychotic for like a period of 9 months. I had to find a job while I was recovering from a psychosis so I could pay for my Abilify medication which was like 200$ a month. I stayed with my sister and she took care of me. NONE of my friends helped me.

I had a friend who is a drug addict, her husband was in prison, she visited me, she got me a stuffed animal and a balloon. I will never forget that.

Fast forward a year, I moved back to Canada, I was fine for a while, it took me like 2 years to just feel like I was myself again, to find myself, I started an online business and had a relapse in winter 2013.

My doctor prescribed me Zeldox and while I was coming off Abilify, winter 2014 was a nightmare. I had brain zaps, palpitations, insomnia, paranoia, delusions for 3 months until the meds kicked in. Spring 2014 was my time. I felt happy, I lost 40 lbs exercised 7 days a week, found a full time job and went to university, took art classes, marketing classes, made lots of new friends, started clubbing. It was my time.

Something changed in winter 2015, I was hit by a huge flashback of the trauma of my first-time psychosis, the intrusive thoughts started. My doctor put me on Latuda and I started drinking a lot to numb down the thoughts, this combination made me talk to myself. It got really bad. I tried finding a new job, they fired me because I was making a lot of mistakes.

Fast forward 2020. It’s been 5 years I’ve been living with intense PTSD. I did CBT, EMDR, Supplements, I tried like 20 different meds, supplements, meditation, yoga, exercise. It’s not going away. I learned to better hide it. My partner’s friends have NO CLUE I have schizophrenia. Most of my friends have NO CLUE I have schizophrenia, I am highly functional but suffering. When I’m alone I talk to myself but when I am among other people I am a great actress. :star: I can no longer hold a full time job though, my sleep schedule is all over the place and my partner stayed with me through all of this symptoms. He’s very nice to me. If it was another guy he wouldn’t stay. I told me a few times I wanna leave and be alone but he always convinces me to stay. It’s not like some guy will be able to live with me. I asked me to buy me a VERY expensive diamond ring, he agreed. He’s a superhero. I do whatever I can to keep him happy, I have a lot to offer other than my awful mental health.

Now mission impossible, find a solution for my PTSD, intrusive thoughts. Will I EVER find a solution?

Life after schizophrenia and severe trauma I became stronger, independent, materialistic.

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I don’t like to think about it because I was much better before SZ and now it’s impossible to go back in time.

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Your recall is amazing.

My psychotic years are just a blur…the dates and months all jumble together.

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I remember EVERYTHING. Words, flashbacks, delusions, the humiliation, I think it would be better if it was a blur.

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That’s my experience of the better part of 2018. I forgot a lot of it, and the stuff that I do remember is pretty spotty. I remember scenes, but my memories of the time aren’t whole.

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I remember driving to Quebec from Ontario to an outdoor drive-in movie complex.

I thought I was the the lead spectacle in a worldwide play. I threw a large rock at the outdoor movie screen. It went BADANG!!! and left a giant hole in the screen.

It was my way of telling the world that I didn’t want to be in this movie anymore… that I just wanted my old, simple life back.

(I thought satelite cameras in the sky were watching my every move)

But I can’t tell you what year I did this…I forget…it’s all a blur.

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Apparently, my mom and I watched an entire TV show while we were in Georgia. Not only do I have no recollection of having seen the show, but I barely remembered actually being in Georgia until my brother brought it up.

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Even on good days, somebody says something, a word, a picture, something minor, it tears me apart, I have a huge load of PTSD from psychosis. The funny thing is, Lots of bad things have happened in my life, I have been bullied a lot, experienced a lot of bad things throughout my life, I lived through war in 2006, I don’t know why I can’t let go the simplest things.

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I am so glad I wrote down what I believed but it gave me a panic disorder remembering it in full detail. still proud that I have record of it though…I can’t read the book…good for you for being happy in a relationship !!

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I tried writing a chic lit book, I wrote one chapter, sent it to three people, they loved it. Maybe one day I’ll write a book. But never about schizophrenia.

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I know exactly how you feel. I am also high functioning but have suffered terribly. I have Major Depression, as well as Generalised Anxiety Disorder to go along with my Schizophrenia (or so my paperwork states). Anyway, i remember saying to my psychologist that i am an extremely good actress. I could put on a show so good that most people couldn’t tell how bad things really were. However, my memory isn’t as good as yours. My psychotic moments were mostly a blur.

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I got schizophrenia when I was just 17 and my life sucked before because of abuse.
I didn’t get a break from unhappiness because I was getting beaten and abused daily.
So…nope. Life before schizophrenia sucked. And my life still suck because I’m schizophrenic.
I’m nothing and worthless because I’m schizophrenic.

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I just sent one of my songs to a gal on my music forum. We might collaborate together. She’s a singer/ songwriter. I’m excited!

If we do collaborate, I’ll post the track on this forum for sure.

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I didn’t get diagnosed till 29. I wasted a lot of years in paranoia and depression. I really was a mess. Smart enough to get in trouble but too dumb to get myself out of it.

Medications and diagnosis helped me no end. I could form decent relationships with women and others without the paranoia and strangeness. I was always different and remember serious ocd on the playground in grade 1.

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Life before huh well I got diagnosed at the age of 18 man, before that man it was good loved to hang out with friends and paint. School was awesome man it was so peaceful stayed in playing video games music was so good. I think the artwork that I produced was way better then or at least it felt like it, huh those were the days :wink:

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I had bad anxiety and bouts of depression but I didn’t constantly grapple with the question of what will be the next thing to cause me to lose my grip on reality.

I was working full-time at a department store. I was popular with my coworkers. I prided myself on my work ethic. All things I couldn’t replicate at my first job post-psychosis (and my last job to date).

If I had to list some downsides to what my life was like pre-sz, I was really struggling with an eating disorder that dictated I only eat about 1,000 calories a day. I was wasting away and perfectly fine with it because I just didn’t care about myself anymore. I was callous towards people who dared express the darker sides of themselves. I thought I could never show such weakness. And look at me now, showing vulnerability to strangers online, lol.

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In a way life is better now because I am more sensible. But it’s a shame I’m 31 now sigh.

I miss feeling carefree. And I miss being able to jog, so much. I’m still debating coming off meds not sure really.

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I was outgoing. go to bed at midnight and up early, was always on the go, now I go no where but work, no friends, life is crap really. On the bright side my mind does not bring up the past, I remember it, just don’t focus on it or I would be in a bigger mess

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I got back into skateboarding. Was skating one and a half year before one day everything changed and I got my psychosis. I skated around four to eight hours a day for one and a half years, everytime it wasn’t snowing or raining I got out. Felt really good to have a skateboarders life, and like I said one day it changed all. I forgot about being depressed when I skated. I don’t have smoked cannabis at all anymore. Was totally into skateboarding.

It was like getting hit by a car. I stopped skateboarding after that day and two or three months later I ended up in hospital.

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Before I got sza, I was very young, in my teens and early 20’s. In that time period, I was prodromal with anorexia/bulimia and extreme withdrawal and isolation.

I met my husband to be in my late teens. I married him at age 20 and our only child was born a year later. I graduated from beauty school a month before our son was born. I stayed home with our baby and breastfed him for 2 years.

After weaning our child, I took course prerequisites, made a GPA of 4.0, and got accepted into our state university’s college of nursing. Only one day into the program, I became acutely psychotic and stayed that way pretty much continuously over the next two years of the associate degree in nursing program.

I avoided being diagnosed by a pdoc for fear of being expelled from nursing college. In spite of psychosis, I graduated with my ASN in May of 1985, I took my boards and passed. I got my first RN placement in a nursing home. I was set. So, I enrolled in the BSN program.

After I passed my boards, my psychosis eased quite a bit. At least the extreme confusion part of the psychosis.

So, as you can see, before and even during my psychosis I was a very ambitious go getter who took education and hard work seriously. Today, I have a low regard for both because my life experience has taught me that no matter how much education you have, and no matter how hard you work, you can still, and in my case, most likely will, fail. All due to sza too.

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