How true is this. Sending lots of love your way. I was reading online schizophrenia is the worst mental disability.
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Wow, you did all that while psychotic?
I started developing psychosis after my choir teacher died at 13, and during that time from 13 to 18, my functioning and cognition took a huge hit. My grades slipped, I started getting confused more easily, and even though I had some good periods, I was trending downward overall. It sucks because I feel like I could’ve been so much more. I barely graduated…
How’d you do it? Like did it start mild and become severe? How’d you push through the hallucinations?
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Life before SZ and bipolar were the golden years.
This was during my childhood.
Then I started showing signs of real sickness during my late teen years and my world came crashing down.
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It started pretty bad. I was so confused that I couldn’t find my classrooms. I was so paranoid that I couldn’t look at or talk to anyone except my patients. I was having noxious olfactory (smell) hallucinations. I was deluded into thinking that I was the famous Ms. Florence Nightingale herself. All this, while taking care of acutely ill people.
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I had friends.
I was an honor roll student.
I had a job.
Several girlfriends.
I was happy.
I was making a lot of money.
My world fell apart and I’ve been through hell as long as I can remember…
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I remember too. I have been told that shame over what you did while psychotic is a symptom of ptsd, and I believe it, so remember that as you work towards recovery
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4.0 GPA, good schools, great jobs post graduation. Marriage and boyfriends. It came on gradually. I wasn’t able to do the work or keep up with my colleagues at all. Finally had to stop working. All downhill from there.
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I wanted to be a doctor before, I would have been very fit and healthy and slender,
and have a very nice wardrobe and been married or have a boyfriend.
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Also I would have played the piano well and have my own house.
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When I got out of high school at 17 I worked at many jobs, never lasting more than three months at any of them. I had a couple friends from my first couple jobs and we smoked pot and drove around in our cars. Sadly, we drank often, even while driving.
We got around in our own little areas. I had dropped my childhood friends, it was solely my fault, kinda ditched them in favor of my new friends.
IDK. A month after I turned 18 my sisters roommate moved out of the apartment they rented to get married and my sister needed a roommate and she asked me if I wanted to move in. I thought it would be cool to be out on my own so I moved in.
I stayed about a year until I had several bad acid trips, and the last one triggered my schizophrenia when I was 19. Living there actually was cool sometimes. I paid my share of the rent and half the utilities and phone bills and I had the run of the apartment. I had my friends over, I worked my various little jobs.
But later on, years later I realized I was in my prodomal stage pretty much the whole time I lived there. I had really bad agoraphobia too and it was almost painful to know the other tenants saw me anytime I went out, I didn’t want anyone looking at me. I panicked when I had to go in stores and stuff and for awhile driving was just as bad.
I can remember some good things about living there. The time some stoner I kind of knew fronted me a shopping bag full of homegrown pot. We arranged it that as soon as I sold enough I would pay him back $100. I remember taking the bag home and dumping it out on the kitchen table and just being so happy to have that much pot for myself. The guy said it was a pound but actually it was about two pounds. I sold half to pay him back and smoked the rest with my friends.
A lot of other stuff went on but I was basically just working and partying, no real dreams, plans, or goals. I was kind of on the fringe of society along with my two friends, I had one foot in mainstream society because I worked, but after work got off and on weekends it was smoking pot and stealing and fraternizing with unemployed stoners. Due to the acid, I had to move out and move back in with parents. My friends went their separate ways and I started isolating and then somehow I began seeing a therapist. I liked her a lot, lol. She was young, cute, friendly and nice. I loved going to see her and I thought she was sexy too. Saw her for about six months until I went into a psyche ward. From the psyche ward I moved into a group home and they figured I was schizophrenic. It seemed one day I was fine and then something snapped and I turned psychotic and stayed that way for the next two years. This was all long ago in the 1970’s and '80’s.
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