The first time was when I was 19 years old freshly diagnosed, psychotic and un-medicated. I went for more than two days without sleeping and I was sitting alone in a chair at night and I started hallucinating wildly and scared myself pretty badly.
And last night.
I went to bed at my regular hour, about 10:00 or 11:00 p.m. I couldn’t sleep so I got up and killed some time in the dining room then came back and went to bed. It was about 1:00 a.m. and I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. to catch a cab downtown and then transfer to our local train to go to work. I had dented a rim on my car from side-swiping a curb so it was in the shop.
I was not sleeping well at all. I had drank a lot of liquid and I was up and down going to the bathroom. I finally fell asleep but not soundly.
And then…next thing I know, I’m hallucinating. I didn’t realize it at first. All of a sudden I did not know where I was. I was in a different room that I didn’t recognize. I was fully aware of what was going on but I couldn’t tell if I was awake or not. Then I was in third room wondering whose room it was and why I was in it… I did not know what was going on. I felt invisible. I felt I was wide awake but I couldn’t tell. Everything was bright and strange. I was thinking, " “What’s going on here”?. And I was frightened out of my mind and felt insane and didn’t know what was happening to me. It was insane but it felt as real as though it was very, very real.
Next thing I know, I was strapped into some kind of metal framework and I was on a track like a roller coaster, in completely new surroundings. My body was prone and I was encased in this metal car/framework so I couldn’t move. I was totally out of control. This sensation was so real that I was absolutely convinced that this was happening and I was terrified. I still felt wide awake but I wasn’t sure. Everything was bright like it was daylight. And then it ended. I woke up. I was in my bed in the dark. I looked across the room at my roommate . He was fast asleep. I was a little disoriented. I was just laying there trying to digest what just happened.
My bedroom walls are thin. A girl sleeps in the room next to us by herself on the other side of the wall. She’s new, I don’t know her well. I got a sneaking suspicion in my head that she had deliberately done something to drive me crazy. Its a crazy world. I ran into this problem many years ago when I was living on my own renting a room in a house. A Vietnamese girl (who actually liked me) was in the room next to mine. I got the vibe exactly once to let her alone because she was crazy and tried to scare me. How much can you tell through a wall? I need someone to answer that for me, because I’m not sure. She was not mentally ill.
She was the kind of crazy that she was either so frightened or liable to go off on someone physically. How much can you tell from a wall? You tell me. People are out of their minds when they want space and territory. i think you might know the kind of crazy I’m talking about. Anyway, in this current situation I’ve been thinking of it all day, trying to figure it out. Temporary insanity? Psychotic break? Too much stress without enough sleep? Or was the girl deliberately messing with my mind somehow? You tell me. I’m still trying to figure it out. Playing mind games is not unheard of in the mental health system. I do it myself sometimes.
I’ve been on these forums for years. For the “regulars” who know me here, you know I have never written anything like this before. I’m going to try to figure this out but I think the best thing is to pretend it never happened and forget about it. I’m not going to bother that girl, I don’t know if she drove me crazy or not. Weirder things happen in life than people driving one another crazy.