My inner self has felt so uncomfortable lately. I have been grabbing a hold to things I shouldn’t as a way to feel some sort of peace and it doesn’t work. When I fight temptation, the feeling of emptiness and anxiety just intensifies almost as if whoever is listening to me is laughing at my failed attempts to find contentment inside myself. I am so full of anger. I think it’s time for a geographical change. My mother wants me to move back to Virginia, right now I live in Georgia. My fiance won’t come with me, he actually heard my mother’s voice in his head call him everything under the sun for a long time, her voice would accuse him of doing sick things that he has never done. It traumatized him. To this day, he still thinks my mom is 'in out it with them." I am so ■■■■■■■ sick of the crazy talk. My voices have been hurting me today, I wasn’t scared, I am literally at the point where it is becoming retarded, they just need to leave me alone. I used to get terrified, like they might rupture my spleen or something, today I am just fed up with it all. I am fed up with my fiance’s delusional thoughts he says out loud and his refusal to get psychiatric help like I did, I am sick of his mother living with us, not working, not paying a single bill, won’t cook dinner or clean up the house, but still get a full tank of gas, cigarettes, car insurance, and all bills paid, all compliments of both mine and my fiance’s income coming in. It makes me ■■■■■■■ sick. I hear voices and actually feel them and their tactile hallucinations and I still get my ass up and go to work no matter what! His mother has hit me, made fun of my condition, hocked a loogey in my face more than a couple times, lied on me, destroyed my property, and is currently mooching off of me and refuses to leave. There is meth all around me, I don’t even want the ■■■■. It tempts me on a daily basis. I have failed miserably more times than I can count. I just wish it wasn’t around me, staring me in the face all the time. I NEED A CHANGE in my life sooooo bad.
hope youre doing okay. are you on meds?
I take Zyprexa & Zoloft, she prescribed me gabapentin, but I hardly ever take it.
i hope you find some things that work for you
Sounds like you have no choice but to leave your fiancé if he won’t come with you.
Its hard for two delusional people to have a relationship. Who supports, who is the basis for reality. It sounds really tough and I would run, not away but to a better life. You MUM doesn’t sound half bad. I guess you will do it when you are ready.
I know what you mean about the temptation. I haven’t drank in over two years, and I still crave it. A lot of what has kept me sober is that both of the only stores in town that used to sell beer have closed. In AA they say, “Don’t try for the geographical cure, because you take your addiction with you”, but maybe in your case it would help. It sounds like your mother in law is a real travesty of a human being. You need to find a way to get away from her. I wish I knew how.
There’s a writing book called Bird By Bird. One by one maybe you can knock them off one by one.
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