A few months ago, my shrink and I started opening the possibility that I might have a certain personality disorder. I’ve looked into it quite a bit, watched some youtube videos of psych folks explaining it, read “patient” stories, etc. One thing that repeats is the fear of abandonment and the desperation to avoid it.
So after some thinking, I realised a few things.
One of the is,
Most/all of my non-family relationships from I was 12-25 ended the same way.
First, I’d get it into my head that they were gonna get sick of me and leave. So either, I’d leave them and make up some bullshite excuse, or I’d set out on a mission to push them away so I could at least somewhat control how, why and when they’d abandon me.
This plays into my biggest realisation:
I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation on and off since the onset of puberty.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s not just about feeling like I’m a burden everyone would be better off without. Maybe it actually stems from the fear that someday everyone will TELL me they’re better off without me and leave, so again, I’m attempting to leave before they can.
I don’t yet know what to do with this information, but it feels like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders, honestly. And now that I’m closer to knowing the root cause of it, maybe I’ll be able to work on it more effectively.
Any thoughts?