This freaking trip with my symptoms acting up oh my god this would have been lovely otherwise.
-trigger warning-
The demons are RELENTLESS. They show up and start forcing this energy onto me that’s very dark (but at the same time feels AMAZING like to me I feel like it’s what heroin would feel like to a junky) They force awful thoughts in my head and try to push their will onto me. They wait until I’m exhausted and half asleep or otherwise pull me into some weird sedated coma state so I can barely fight back. They start touching me and doing all this stuff trying to convince me to let them do whatever to me and that God has abandoned me or else he’d save me from them and that he was letting this happen so I should just forget him and accept them because God couldn’t make me feel good like they could either and just all this garbage that I don’t want to hear that’s very upsetting. Then 50% of the time I give in and just feel horrific afterwards, I feel weak and pathetic, like I deserve to be punished and don’t deserve forgiveness for my crimes, feel like I could have and should have fought harder, feel dirty and generally disturbed.
This morning after one of these attacks I couldn’t face my family after so left straight from bed to go on a long solitary walk before I interacted with anyone. By the way Jesus walked with me and I was talking to him. He made me feel better though. Had his hand on my shoulder. I asked him if the devil ever put him through anything like this and if Jesus ever hesitated in fighting him like he should and his careful answer was something like “the devil is a guest that is difficult to get rid of and overstays his welcome” and then assured me they still loved me regardless and to think of the devil as a sort of literal roommate from hell sharing earth with us but to not worry because in the end, similar to college graduation, we’d come back home and never have to deal with him again.
Overall this is killing me. Especially when I have to act all normal and have to hide it. Even though I am much more comfortable sharing things about my mental illness with my parents now, I am not comfortable at all sharing things like this. I would never want any of my family to know I go through this, it’s too humiliating. Anyhow maybe it’s better that I have to immerse myself in normality rather than be left on my own to dwell on all of this horror or be attacked more.
