It just dawned on me several years ago

I was in my old apartment several years ago and it hit me. I was probably the lowest guy at my high school. I didn’t think I was at the time. I mean I used to walk in the busy crowded hallways in my high school where everybody and their friends were gathering and talking at lunch or break, and I would look down the empty branches of places where few people went and I would see hunched over figures of other kids sitting all by themselves every day. I used to feel sorry for them, they had no friends not even each other. And I knew they were loners and outcasts. But that was me,too. I just didn’t see it.

The first three months of high school I did not have a friend. I had two friends who I saw outside of school but that first year we didn’t hang out at school together. I had an excuse I guess. I skipped eigth grade, I went from seventh grade straight into ninth so I started school at age 13 and my fellow freshman were all 14. Now that doesn’t sound like a big age difference now but at the time it was huge. My classmates were bigger, stronger and light years ahead of me socially.

I was already a withdrawn kid who wasn’t good looking but when I was thrown into the high school environment where I might have been the youngest kid there, I was overwhelmed and I did not do good. Do I even need to mention that girls were not interested in me, because I think it’s obvious. But yeah, the amazing thing is that I didn’t get bullied much or picked on. probably because I tried my best to be invisible. I had incidents where people bullied me or tried to pick a fight but it only happen occasionally.

But yeah, I had my moments where I did cool stuff. I went out for our soccer team one year and made varsity. That’s something. I went from sitting alone every lunch in the back of the school where no one went, to hanging out my in my 11th year in the middle of the courtyard with my three friends where all the jocks and popular kids gathered to show off and be seen. So I wasn’t a total loss.

In 12th grade I hung out on “the field”. This was a small grassy area where all the stoners gathered to smoke pot. I thought I was pretty cool then but I wasn’t really accepted by them. But I got known for selling pot and I got to rub elbows with the cool kids.

But looking back, I was never fully part of any clique in four years. It was the proverbial case of “on the outside looking in”. I guess I’ve done alright for myself since I got sick. I guess if I can succeed with my status and background than anyone can. I’m afraid of anyalizing too much. But I believe that because I missed out on so much and I have so little going for me on a personal, human social level that I overcompensated by excelling at action. By action, I mean long term employment, school, independence, driving, socializing. That’s my theory, anyway. Anyway, these are just things I think about occasionally.