Is this justified? (TW Violence, mention of rape)

[valiumprincess]

I had the craziest, most satisfying dream. In it, I was beating up this piece of ■■■■. A rapist (on multiple occasions) , who also beats the ■■■■ out of his girlfriends.

(Okay it’s gunna get violent now)

In the dream I broke his nose. Kicked him so hard in the dick he started to bleed through his pants. Knocked a tooth out. Gave him a spit lip, punched him in the throat so he was gasping for air. I carved RAPIST on his forehead. Kicked him in the face. Spat on him. And some other stuff.

It was a good feeling for me. In the dream, I didn’t get hit at all. He fell to the ground in one punch, and I was on top of him just literally smashing his face in.

I should mention I’m not a fighter. Only fought two guys (this guy was one of them) in my life. I don’t fight girls, they play dirty. I’m 5’2 and just over 100 lbs so needless to say I’m not the most powerful girl.

I woke up from the dream with my fists clenched, ready to fight. It felt so good to ■■■■ him up in my dream. When I woke up I was unhappy because I never did beat him up like this.

Since then I’ve had bad homicidal thoughts (directed only at him) I don’t know where he lives. I don’t know his last name. However if I did, I think I would kill him.

I would kill him and feel so amazing about it. I could say now, being fully awake and alert, that it would be worth it for me to kill him; even if I went to prison for years.

Now I’m furious that he’s walking around living his life. Possibly assaulting other girls. Not just him either. There are rapist everywhere that were never charged, due to lack of evidence or the victim not coming forward to tell the authorities.

This makes my blood boil. It makes my hands shake. If it were up to me, (with solid evidence of course) I would hang rapists up in town centres. So others would know how serious a crime it is. And maybe it would put fear into people so they wouldn’t do something like that.

I’m sorry if this is super graphic, or violent, or disturbing. It’s how I’m feeling this morning. So, how am I going to calm myself down; as a girl who is convinced I would kill this guy if I knew where he lived. 100% no regrets.

I probably wouldn’t just go up to this monster and stab him. However I would beat him to death (if I could)

I am just a tiny weak little girl though. I wish I was a 6’2 guy with crazy muscles. Then I could do something about this. But I would realistically just be tossed away with one hand.

How should I deal with these feelings? Is it justified? After all; they are just feelings, I have no plan to kill this guy. (Because I haven’t seen him since I scratched his face up to shreds after he punched one of my girlfriends in the face)

Am I a shitty person? I really don’t think so. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to wish death on rapists.

If you feel comfortable explaining, how did you get over hatred towards your abusers? Did you have violent thoughts too?

What should I do? Other then screaming in a pillow or joining a kickboxing class.

[anon54386108]

I think its impressive you remembered this much of a dream,

I always seem to forget after a few minutes.

Wanting to exact revenge on a dude like that is totally normal.

Be warned though,

I once went to a bad dudes house to confront him about a violent incident and it ended badly.

My friend and I almost died and he went to prison, just got out a couple years ago.

Starting a fight with a known monster isn’t a good plan.

Kickboxing classes are a solid idea if you need to get out some energy.

[valiumprincess]

Yeah, my dreams have been really vivid lately, I think it mostly has to do with my medication (also I haven’t smoked weed in quite a while and apparently that gives you weird dreams)

I woke up and immediately went on this forum to get advice. I wanted to be able to calm myself down, generally if I’m angry in the morning it usually stays with me all day.

You’re absolutely right about it not being safe to confront him. Unfortunately I just don’t have the power to hurt him, and he could definitely attack me and I wouldn’t know how to defend myself.

Maybe I will join some sort of self defense course. At least that would get some of the rage out of my system.

I’m sorry about what happened with you and your friend. That sounds really scary.

I will maybe have a hot bath to calm myself down.

[anon54386108]

Hot bath sounds very relaxing,

Great idea.

A self defense course is also a great idea, it would keep you from feeling weak and small,

Knowing that you have techniques to defend yourself.

I took a course in college and it was very beneficial.

My friend and I learned a valuable life lesson so there’s no need for apologies,

But I appreciate it.

Hold it together, girlfriend,

You can’t rid the world of abusive jerks.

The best you can do is support your friends and build them up so they don’t seek the attention of (assholes).

[Mountainman]

Having worked for the courts I have seen many go to prison for revenge, but the only winner is the person you beat up or maybe kill, they are free to do as they please after. Unless of course they die

I have had similar dreams, getting even, but none so vivid

[Anon10]

As for violence, sexual or otherwise, I feel we are living in a world where that sort of behavior is becoming more important, especially in politics and stuff.

Weapons technology is at a point where its no longer a matter of being physically imposing or skilled at martial arts, if it ever was, more a matter of access to weapons and other easy means of terrorizing or coercing others.

Even carrying a switchblade is corny '50s stuff now, more than likely your enemy has his finger on the trigger to launch a nuke in retaliation.

Physically harming others is not the point of sports like kickboxing which pit people against each other. If you go into that sport expecting to use your training to harm others, you are in for a rude awakening. Don’t use violence as a means to get negative feelings out, there many better ways.

For example, one guy in high school’s mother was stabbed 30 something times in a parking lot (she survived). As far as I know, he never expressed a desire for revenge, he just let the law take care of the criminal. Which is what you should do.

People around the world do horrible things to exact justice on those who have raped or molested the people they love. Running people over with cars, acid attacks, the list goes on. Some really crazy stuff, thinking they are taking justice into their own hands.

If you become such a person, you deserve whatever penalty you recieve.

The dreams you had stem from mental illness in my opinion and are not healthy or normal. You aren’t a bad person as long as you don’t behave badly. Dreams don’t ways mean something.

Talk to your therapist about the feelings you are having, and if you can, try to learn this rapist’s identity and get him properly convicted and improsoned.

It’s the unfortunate reality that many rapists are free and at large, but the law exists to penalize such people.

By becoming a violent person, yourself you only continue the cycle. But your doctor and therapist know best.

[Moonbeam]

@valiumprincess

I would kill him and feel so amazing about it.

I’ll be honest with you, this worries me.

[valiumprincess]

Sorry, but of course I can’t help but thinking that. I thought it would be common for people to want their rapist dead?

I’ve talked to many woman in my life who have said they would rather be murdered then raped. It’s very sad.

[valiumprincess]

Anyways, I’ll talk to my therapist about this. However in the past when I’ve talked to my Pdoc, even gone to the hospital, and told them about my homicidal thoughts, they don’t take it very seriously. Maybe it’s because I’m a sweet little girl.

Either way, unless I magically get the power of super strength, I won’t be able to follow through with my fantasies. However if I got bit by a radioactive spider or whatever else superhero’s get their super powers from, I would punch the guy into space with my brute strength.

[ZombiePupper]

I have violent thoughts and dreams. I’ve been both killed and the killer. I’ve been tortured and the torturer. I’ve been myself and I’ve been other people. Dreams are weird. Parsing dream feelings from real feelings can be hard, too. I can do a lot of things in dreams and feel good about them that I could probably never realistically do.

[Anon10]

I’ve talked to my pdoc about some of my violent intrusive thoughts, I’m not particulary physically imposing and I come off as a very sweet and normal young guy. He tends to just think I’m a weird harmless little guy who suffers from some disturbing thoughts. Remember, if the violent thoughts/fantasies distress you that means you are aware that they are wrong, and you are probably harmless. If they make you feel like acting out violently, then that is cause for concern. Make sure not to trigger people with your descriptions of violence, I found violence and any suggestion of gore extremely triggering, even just online stuff, directly after my psychosis. If I was reading this then it would have distressed me greatly.

[valiumprincess]

Yes. That’s why I put (tw violence) in the title. I can understand what I dreamed was disturbing.

If the mods think I am out of line they are more then free to close this thread. I won’t hold it against them.

My post was pretty graphic I guess. So I’m sorry if I upset anyone.

[Anon10]

It’s not that your doctor sweeps aside your issues necessarily, it could also be that the pdoc does not have any solution. They’re working with a very limited toolkit especially on the meds side of things. Even antipsychotics only work some of the time, and they can alter your personality and thoughts to some extent, not always in good ways.