Is this a symptom?

Unusual Beliefs
1

I understand that schizophrenia is a thought disorder, but idk what this is anymore. I feel like I’m too self-aware. The idea of me going manic or psychotic seems so unreal when I feel so much in control otherwise. I have doubts like “what if I’m narcissistic but so much so that I’m not even aware I’m narcissistic?” Or “okay I’m definitely bipolar and definitely have been manic before, but what if I secretly exacerbate my mania without even knowing as a ploy for attention?”

Everything that happens, I break it down in my head. Sometimes I ponder about the idea of thinking, and my thoughts don’t even feel like thoughts because of how complex the idea they are trying to convey is, they’re like “sensations” or energies trying to communicate an idea without words.

I see people socializing and laughing, but I can’t help but concentrate on how anxious they really are in their heads just desperately hoping to not embarrass themselves. It’s a game, who will embarrass their self first. How much they probably hate being there, talking to this person, how much they just wanna go home. It makes talking to people seem so fake.

I don’t even know how I am feeling. I think I know how I feel but I’m not smart enough to actually know how I am REALLY feeling, I just have assumptions based on what I’m immediately trained to think how I think I feel.

I’m terrified of “breakthroughs”. You know, like thoughts that completely ■■■■ with the entire system of ideas of how you think. What if everything I know is wrong? What if I’m actually a horrible person even though I think I’m a nice guy? What if I’m actually mentally handicapped but I don’t even know it and I’m slowing gaining my self-awareness to discover what I am? What if my dad has been sent by God and can read my mind and knows all the times I’ve lied to him? (okay, this one’s definitely a delusion but it’s still a scary thought that could change my entire idea of existence, you know?)

Please help me guys, I can’t deal with this ■■■■ anymore. I have to examine everything so thoroughly, it’s so exhausting.

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2

sounds like positive symptoms to me. I didn’t read all of it because usually novel sized posts are not that coherent, no offense

3

I just read it on schizophrenia subreddit

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4

Sorry posted it twice, I just want all the feedback I can get I guess

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5

Why don’t you see a doc?

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6

I think I see mine sometime this week, I’ll ask her about it but I’m kinda afraid to since I never opened up to her about this because I didn’t know how to articulate it before.

7

Maybe you should write it down before you meet and give it to her.

8

Understandable, sorry for the long post

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9

Good idea! I’ll do that, thank you. Would you say that this looks like delusions? Or is it like OCD or something?

10

It could be delusions. Who knows? Only an expert can diagnose you

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You’re right, I’ll wait to see what my pdoc has to say about it. I’ll bring it up to my therapist too, but I think I see her at the end of the month

12

Your basic delusion is that your dad is sent by God and can read your mind?

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That’s one of them, yeah. I’ve always thought he could read my mind, since I was like 12. But I’ve had a lot of others, too. I thought my parents were paid actors and that I was on a TV show and I was being recorded by the cameras all over the place, like Truman Show. I thought my thoughts were the show’s monologue so I would talk to myself in case the audience misjudged me

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14

Haven’t really had these thoughts though since being on antipsychotics, Zyprexa obliterated them but I didn’t feel so good on it so I’m on Latuda now but some of them are coming back, maybe I need a dose increase?

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15

One thing i can say it seems that you are not narcissistic. Dont worry about that.

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16

Yeah, talk to your doctor about the dose of medication you need.

17

Thank you! I definitely think that some of my worries are irrational

18

It sounds like delusions mate. But we are no experts here

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19

You are worried about your health i understand. I feel like that often

20

Yeah it’s hard not to! This stuff just eats away at your life yknow?