Hi guys. I do not quite know what I want to achieve with this post but wanted to write. Perhaps somebody has good advice, I do not know what to do anymore. I’ve been sober and clean for two and a half years… I was never the most hardcore user in the environment I was hanging in, but had a big drug problem as I have a schizophrenia diagnosis. I thought everything was going to be good if only I got clean because I was always told this by psychiatry. Much has gotten better practicaly- I’ve got a lot better economy and routine on things. Eg. I exorcise every other day and keep it neat and clean at home. What’s not good is that I’ve been completely isolated and asocial, l lost all my “friends”. I’m mostly alone all the time, manage to go to the store to shop for food, but that’s about it. I’ve also lost a lot of contact with my family. Have fantasies of violence around being outside my appartment, so it’s hard to go out. The paranoia and delusions have become so much more apparent after I became drug-free. I used to be with girls from time to time before, but now I haven’t had sex in three years. I really just want to hang myself, but I can not do that for what signal will it send out to others who might want to get clean …
Your life isn’t over, it’s just beginning. Well done on being clean for that long. Did you ever think of going to a narcotics anonymous meeting?
You have to report this to your medical team. They can help maybe with a better medication regime and support. Don’t bottle that up. Tell them.
I hope you find peace with your life…sounds like you have your ■■■■ together. I would try and reach out to your family…sometimes it’s just that they are busy and need to be approached. You should report to your psychiatrist that you are having suicidal thoughts/urges!
I used drugs when I was younger. When I quit things just kept getting worse and worse. My health, my mental health my job situation and my living situation just kept on sucking worse and worse. My depression got worse. Then one day I went on a little drive in my car, and as I was coming up over this little hill the sun came out and shined on my face a little. Not enough to get in my eyes but just enough to feel it and this feeling came over me. I swear to you it was the first time in two years that I felt I could actually stay clean and I realized I had actually quit. Two years of not using before I felt even remotely safe not to use. And I felt that little bit of freedom. It was awesome. That was 21 years ago. You can do this, your life is not over, maybe it’s just starting. It could be just over the hill. Keep going.
Drugs make even the most well organized people lead chaotic lives. It sounds like you are isolating yourself from that which can only be good. How about becoming more social via a hobby like hiking, sport, music, computers or a random meet up group on the internet?
Are you on meds? They should help with paranoia and delusions.
Give yourself some credit,
You quit drugs, its a big deal.
A couple years seems like a long time, but when you’re getting sober and rebuilding a life, with mental illness, its really not.
I too have very violent fantasies, and it does make it difficult to cope with other people.
Focus up on getting some control and go from there.
Thank you all for the support! I feel a little better today, suicidal thoughts usually appear when it’s time to sleep.
There’s nothing like that where I live.
That’s a good idea, I like playing guitar.
Yes, I’m on 12,5 mg Olanzapine.
I will try to get a more positive perspective on things and maybe be an active member of this forum.
Damn dude you do sound like you’ve got your ■■■■ together,
And your own self awareness in regards to your delusions sounds on point.
The mental complexity and strain on psyche in having this is insane I don’t even know why I keep going, let alone not being where I envisioned in life.
So I can empthaize on the suicide part, but it’s just not worth it,
all the beauty and worth is really in yourself and life and always has been.
wish you a bright day