Something I’ve struggled with for quite a while now…I think it maybe improved with meds but didn’t fully go away…but I’m just so irritable nowadays. Anything and everything pisses me off. And today I had a really bad day so I was furiously upset. I won’t go into it but it was just one thing going bad after another. One of those days where you want to climb into bed and not get out. So I’m riding the bus back to my apartment and it’s incredibly packed and I’m being pushed and brushing up against people’s sweaty backs and just things that really were not adding to my mood in any positive way whatsoever and as soon as it gets to my stop I want OFF that bus. But it’s packed. So I’m trying to get out through this line of people with their backpacks all in the way, and since I was already massively irritated I started more aggressively pushing through and then some random girl snapped at me and was being really aggressive as well, and I actually lunged at her and then caught myself before I did anything and took deep breaths but it was PAINFUL the amount of rage I was keeping in. She continued to make rude remarks as she walked away and I just ignored her.
I got back to my apartment and after sobbing, having violent fantasies, swearing I was done with the human race and begging God to just let me die, I did things to unwind and I feel much better now and I do feel bad for taking out my frustration by shoving through people on the bus. (I do think that girl’s response was somewhat over the top though-obviously she’d been having a bad day as well) My main concern is that in my young adulthood I’ve become this incredibly irritable, pessimistic and generally downcast person. I used to be the polar opposite and was blindly optimistic all the time, incredibly cheerful despite all the bad things going on in my life, was known for being incredibly slow to anger or impossible to make mad and it’s like I could only keep it up for so long before it collapsed. Does anyone else have bad issues with irritability and aggressive urges? It just upsets me so much how my personality has changed.