I hate being alone. There is not much occasions I am alone but when it happens, I feel weird. Like the room is watching me. I mean, I can do stuff, but I have to distract myself not to think about it.
Then, I have this stupid sneaky thought that God will punish me or someone in my family with some incurable disease. Like cancer. I’m not even a real believer, so what the heck.
I’m afraid of heights, bugs, and rats.
And most of all, I’m horribly afraid of people abandoning, leaving, rejecting, and disliking me.
I think that my addictions were sort of gateways from those fears. Wish I could knew better.
Here comes notmoses with the 12steps. Or was it ten?
Once I read a book of Erika Jong, “Fear of flying”. I think that title fits here.
*afraid of people abandoning, leaving, rejecting, and disliking me.’ are not irrational fears, but now I understand more how you are, you basically being afraid of people not liking etc. you.
When I was a little girl, my class went on a trip to the old capital building in my state, a four story, golden dome. Every floor has a balcony overlooking the gallery, so you can see the dome from the lowest floor, and you can look straight down from the highest floor to the ground.
We went up to the top and leaned over the railing to look down, and suddenly I imagined myself, with perfect clarity, swinging one leg over the railing, then the other, and then letting go. And then I became terrified that because I could think it, I might do it.
I’m afraid of heights, too, but only because if I don’t pay close attention, I’m afraid I’m going to jump.
I never used to be afraid of being alone, but now that I’ve been living with someone for a few years, it terrifies me. It’s not even that something might happen. It’s just all the sounds you notice that you never noticed before.
And I used to be afraid of abandonment and rejection by the people I loved most. I think it’s because my mom got sick right after I was born and I had to go live with my grandma for several weeks. No more snuggling and nursing. My mom says I was sad when she got me back.
Now I’m afraid of everybody dying, any time they leave their houses.
I couldn’t care less if someone rejected me. I guess I have a fear of dying sometimes and a fear that the universe is holographic or a computer simulation. Not many people have those fears so they cannot relate.
Being alone at night and thinking someone will break in to hurt me is my irrational fear. When alone at night I lock myself in the bedroom and stay awake all night just in case.
People are social creatures. That’s why they tend to dislike solitude. I have mixed feelings on the subject. I know that an isolated mind can be a fertile playground for mental illness, but I remember reading this quote from some writer. He said, “I have lived my life in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity”. That substantially describes my situation.
I fear that everyone, everywhere, is watching my every move, monitoring me, and judging me. I’m afraid to leave my house, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Even in the privacy of my own home, I still worry that someone can watch me , or that the government is watching and monitoring me.
grab these and strategize 
hug