Introductory post

Latelly I invented a psy in my head. I force myself to have him positive things to say to me, plus its kind of reinsuring for me to have something that watch me. Yep, I know, he’s probably not that reliable, yet, during our last little secret meeting I came that close to have him admitted that both my parent are f*ck. And, of course, I ain’t ill. Welcome to this forum sir, seriously, its been of great help for me. Best.

Fire with Fire, Magical Thinking with more Magical Thinking was a strategy that ultimately failed for me: my subconscious mind was always a step ahead and would never bleed any vulnerability in logic if my motivation was to defeat the paradox of delusion. Sometimes I role play comedic exaggerations of my notions as a way to lighten the load from the real emotional impact and gravityof acquired conscious awareness of positive symptoms of psychosis. This is actually very similar to what you describe in your example, ultimately.

In my case, however, my subconscious mind enjoys the joke, accepting it as just that, then immediately reaffirms the boundaries of the delusion, perpetuating hallucinations once again. Though, I should point out that my visions are subtle in nature and often difficult to discern at all, involving changes to the skin/tone/musculo-skeletal appearance that could be influenced by temperature fluctuations, lighting distortions, mirror perception angles, etc. The only time I imagined impossible and obvious images without questioning their existence at all was during a period of acute psychosis, which ended, but the aftermath now comprises the continuation of milder forms of positive symptoms of SZa.

I no longer hallucinate the removal of debris from under the skin, thankfully - that could’ve escalated into paranoia and panic once the Religious grandiosity faded away. I started analysing the debris empirically and concluded that all of the matter had logical and reasonable origins within my recent environmental exposures. As such, I realised that the debris started out on my hands before being transmitted to the area of first perception and it was my mind deciding that it started out from under the skin and back-filling all the fine print to suit.

The perceptual distortions I maintain now are more tied in with skin-fold patterns, wrinkles, texture based feedback such as dirty and slippery or moist and resistant etc. comparing feature sets for symmetry, taking biomechanical measurments to establish postural alignment correctness etc. Um, I guess some of the mentioned steps sound complicated and that they would take time, but they don’t.

Your explanation of your mindset echos my own stance: there is freedom in embracing the truth and my experiences are a large part of what defines my truth. I am not ashamed, but rather … grateful that I have the opportunity to enjoy existence from a more than normal perspective.

Regarding Autism and BPD, the research I have read was investigating the concurrence between BPD and ADHD. It appears hat a very large percentage of children diagnosed with ADHD in childhood go on to receive a BPD diagnosis in later life. I won’t elaborate for now, but I will add that there is also a high concurrence of ADHD/ASD, so there is perhaps some value in keeping that topic open between us :slight_smile:

I think when you compare some of the symptoms of BPD and Autism, the connections become fairly obvious after not a great deal of research. Both disorders are characterised by hypersensitivity to environmental and emotional stimuli and both result in meltdowns or outbursts, self-centred thinking patterns and aggressive or anti-social tendencies.

The anxiety an Autistic child endures as a direct result of the characteristic and diagnostic symptoms inherent of the disorder is, in its own right a significant, repeated trauma, which depending on environmental factors such as parenting strategy, domestic stability, early intervention involvement and other supportive services, can be expressed on a wide scale of severity and impact on normality. The suffering from the inherent anxiety is capable of inducing development arrest (particularly emotional arrest), which is the main current explanation of cause for BPD.

It makes sense on numerous levels that we will continue to find statistically significant coincidence of comorbidity between ADHD, ASD and BPD. Throw Bipolar in there too, as once you have the first three, you have a pool of symptoms that can also explain Bipolar!

Will be back soon to continue if you like :slight_smile:

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Hi @Polymorphed, welcome to the forum… One thing that resonated with me in your OP was this worry about excessive reality checking. I think reality checking is fine if it works swiftly to keep you grounded, but in schizophrenia, and possibly other disorders, there may be some risk to it that you seem to worry about. The issue is, exactly like you put it, that reality checking may itself become a pathological way of thinking. And here I mean pathological merely in the sense that it comes to stand in the way of you functioning fluidly in a more or less ordinary way… it can end up taking (too) much time, and going way too far, such that, for example, one could end up grappling with metaphysical questions about the nature of being, only because one set out to make a sandwich.

I think it is important to notice that, although such questions may be interesting to some, and are studied by some, in order to live an ordinary life, people have no need to settle such matters. Most people haven’t ever given such issues as much as a single thought and are perfectly able to live their lives: they go about making sandwiches whenever they feel like one, so to speak. It is easy to take this fact and mistakenly think these people are ignorant, whereas we are profound seekers of truth… at the end of the day, they manage to live life quite smoothly, whereas we, (I), are not, and if we get our priorities sorted, this may be precisely what is troubling us. This should ease us from the idea that we need to settle the truth of the matter on such issues in order to live life. I don’t know about you, but I was obsessed with truth during my psychoses, and reality checking can be seen as a symptom of, rather than a remedy for it.

This can be seen by looking at the form of reality checking. A reality check is a proof, or an argument, for the truth/falsity of some idea (in logic, one says proposition here…). Anyway, one can see that the conclusions of such proofs or arguments, those that are to settle the reality of things, are derived from premises that are supposed to be true themselves. As such, any finite non-circular argument or proof, that is to say, one that can actually be made, starts from premises that are themselves unproven. This is where the trouble starts if your psychoses are like mine, for I’d reality-check, i.e., make a proof/argument, and then I’d reflect some more on the premises involved… and my obsession with truth here amounted to noticing that my argument assumed these premises, but I needed to realitycheck them, i.e., proof them as well… and that’s how one ends up in pathological reality checking that could go on forever, for the nature of a proof has it, that any subsequent proof relies on its own unfounded premises etc.

With the notion of truth tied to that of proof or argument, I think the above goes to show that at some point one needs to be a bit ‘liberal’ about truth in a way… From it, it should be clear that it is impossible to proof something all the way… To think one needs to, is to place a demand on oneself that cannot be met, it is to take on a task that cannot be completed, and in the extreme, will prevent one to do the basic things life comes down to. Here I think we should take our lead from the ones that manage to live life fluidly… The matters we (I) struggle with in psychosis are issues that those people take on trust without any further proof. Issues such as the reality of the external world and other metaphysical issues… There seems to be unfounded consensus about such issues, and this is perfectly fine if one sees that the struggle for proof of such matters is endless and futile… to let go of that demand is even necessary to get on with life, it seems to me. A proof would rely on unfounded premises, hence we need something else than a proof to get things going, and consensus might serve perfectly well. I would like to live my life in such and such ways, and the people who manage to do so, hold certain things without a proof. I take on the attitude of ‘when in Rome, act as the Romans…’ In psychosis, fortunately, I often remain aware of how others think of certain issues. I just tend to question their beliefs, and end up in the proof-game. These considerations about the nature of proof helped me to give up on that, and rely confidently on others’ unfounded beliefs as a legitimate way of getting things going.

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Hello flybottle and thank you for your welcome and helpful reply. You expressed a fairly complicated concept in an easily digestible manner - well done. I don’t know if you are just good at linguistics and tailored your approach to mirror my own (to a degree) or if we just communicate similarly. Either way, well met. :slight_smile:

I had previously come to the same conclusion (though my conscious mind would only properly debate the notion fleetingly) that the most fundamental reality is that which I share in common with the other important people in my life; and that is where my priorities should begin. Family, core values, lifestyle etc. It is easier acknowledged than said and easier said than done, as I am sure you know just as well - if not better - than I do.

It seems appropriate to draw reference once again to the fictional John Nash, who summarises a similar conclusion at his Nobel Prize acceptance speech: “It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found.”.

While that scene was entirely fictional and just added to give the film a nice Hoolywood happy ending, I think there is a lot of wisdom in the concept nonetheless.

Returning to reality and how to apply the above knowledge, my situation is complicated by the fact that my wife has her own mental illnesses that directly interfere with the consistency and logical validity of her observations. My own downward spiral has brought her down with me, but she is ignorant of this and instead believes herself mentally tempered from experience: this predisposes her mind to prejudiced thinking, which can distort her expectation and leads to a lot of lose-lose conflicts that I have to now just back down from (that used to be her role lol).

I am psyhotic at all times except those where she has measured and concluded it as otherwise, which when layered on top of my own struggle to balance too little reality checking with too much, becomes exhausting. Relationships are a topic for another day though :slight_smile:

Thanks again for the insight. I am very bad at taking my own advice. :smiley:

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