Introducing myself to the forum(is a title that apparently has already been used)

Hello. I’ve been diagnosed with several things in the past but now my therapist and psychiatrist seem to have no doubts regarding my suffering from a disorder on the schizophrenic spectrum which has been identified on their behalf as schizoaffective disorder.

I’m taking medication and have been doing therapy now for a long time. As many people on this forum I am vulnerable to delusions and hallucinations which have made my life undoubtedly interesting, albeit undoubtedly exhausting.

I often feel that I’ve reached the point where I can’t take it anymore, but then I remind myself that I’ve been feeling that way every day since I don’t know how many years now. At the same time, curiously, even when I see that I have nothing left, that my mind is broken, that my heart is dead, that my eyes are blind, that my ears are screaming, that my body is weak, I wouldn’t trade my life with anybody else’s.

Irrelevant details in my presentation could include that I’m a girl, in my twenties, not from an english-speaking country(so forgive me if I make mistakes or don’t get everything you write).

And now, the reason I chose my username. I’ve chosen my username after Puccini’s “Madama Butterfly”. For those of you who are not familiar with it, and are not interested in seeing or hearing it, but are interested in understanding where I’m going with this(in brief: spoiler alert), it’s an amazingly beautiful opera about a Japanese woman(well, she’s only 15 in the story) who marries an American, Pinkerton, and vows eternal love to him, perceiving their wedlock as something so sacred it trascends even sacredness.

What she could never have conceived though is that his perception of their marriage is completely different; he marries her just to have company while in Japan, then goes back to America, leaving her pregnant and poverty-stricken. She waits and waits for his return, fed only by the fantasy of their glorious love, fed only by faith in its beautiful truthfulness.

She would have waited till the end of her days. But in the end she waits for three years, because Pinkerton finally comes back. Why does he come back? Because he found out he had a son, and wants to take him to America. With who does he come back? With his “proper” wife, an american wife.

Madama Butterfly, or Cio-Cio San, decides to give them her son, as her last act of love towards Pinkerton. But the only way to part from the last and only one that loved her - her son - is to kill herself. And so she does. I’ve chosen this username because, during an erotomanic delusion, I felt exactly the same way she felt towards the one she loved, the delusion of being loved back, then the realization, then the desperation of having wasted so many years in being faithful to a deception, and being deceived precisely by what gave meaning to her own heart.

But in my case it lasted more. It lasted four years. And I don’t have a son. And I don’t sing divinely. And I’m not Japanese. And I haven’t killed myself.

Instead, I’m here writing these things to you and probably other things will follow. I wish I could have written inspiring, uplifting things that would have tried to bring a little hope in lives that obviously need it.

But the truth is I don’t feel much hope anymore, and so all that’s left is honesty, for what I’m concerned.

Thank you for reading, if you have.


Welcome. Thank you for sharing the story of madame butterfly, I was always curious about it.

You’ve found a great community here full of insights, advice and some silly times when you need a laugh.


Welcome to our little corner of the internet. I think you’ll find people are generally very friendly here and are very open and sharing and supportive.

You mentioned you aren’t that hopeful right now. Whats bothering you the most these days? Do you feel your medication isn’t working or the therapy isn’t working? Have things gotten better at all the past few years?

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take care :alien:

That was a beautiful piece to read!
And your English is excellent ( and better than mine :imp:)


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Welcome! Make yourself at home. :smile:


Welcome to our little Island on the Internet…

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I’m sorry for your loss. I imagine that from the perspective of a twenty-something year-old, a committed four year investment amounts to a majority of your adult life, compounding the magnitude of your despair. Occasionally, other posters (both DX and non-DX forums) are working through loss, powerlessness, rejection. I would expect that your eloquent way of writiing and sharing would be a benefit to them. Just know that you’re in good company and take all the time you need to heal and grow.


Welcome to the forum @Madama_Butterfly

Thank you for writing about the story behind your username, it sort of reminded of an anime film by Satoshi Kon called, “[Millennium Actress][1]”. The film tells of a Japanese love story as a documentary filmmaker investigates the life of a famous elderly actress in which reality and cinema become blurred. I hope you like it, it’s one of my favorite anime films :sunny:

I loved a girl at sixteen and I think of her often Butterfly. 20 years has passed she has 3 children and my best offer of my love is to let her live her life without my troubled views.

You’re not alone in missing "the one that got away " many people feel that way about another… lifetimes may burn with the fire of such a love.
I’ve come to think my loss was for a lesson to learn to treat all with kind regard.
Loss can be the lesson for gratitude intended for the soul Butterfly.

Hugs. And welcome


ugh… second thought don’t click on that link. I wasn’t thinking, that story is only going to make you more sad. It’s too late for me to delete the post now. I hope you feel better soon.

Hey and welcome :smile:

Feel free to post your worries, we’re very supportive here, it’s a great community you’ve found.

Hi and welcome. Your post was a bit long for my unfocused mind. But I’ll try to read it little at a time.

This is a very supportive forum. Best I know. :slight_smile:

Hello :smile:

I’d like to see Madame Butterfly now. I had no idea what it was about but that’s so beautiful. There was an interesting illustrated poem (I’ll post it here if I can find it later). It was a poem an artist found written by her grandmother (or maybe mother, I’m not sure), the daughter/granddaughter just illustrated it. It’s really beautiful.

Spoiler Alert
The reason I brought it up is it’s like the reverse of Madame Butterfly. A boy and girl date, eventually get married, and have a child and he leaves to go fight in the Korean war (I think it was) but he died in the war and never came back. She waited for him until the day she died. From what it said the poem was evidently the grandmother’s actual story and she did have her husband die in war. They were both in love instead of just one of them.

Wow, the guy in madame butterfly is a total dickhead.


Welcome to the forum!

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Welcome to the forum! Everyone is incredibly supportive here.

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Hi and sorry if I reply after so much time. I must admit that I was overwhelmed by all your warmth and support - in a very good way - so much so that I was initially frightened by them, and I didn’t know how to express my gratitude to the extent I was feeling it. But in the last month I took so much solace from your words, and I was thinking so often about your kindness that I felt the desire to come back, hopefully to be able to exchange sooner or later. Thank you all so much.

@SzAdmin What is bothering me most these days? Especially anhedonia and apathy. I feel nothing is worth doing, or that I am not worth of doing anything. I feel the past years things have got much worse, in terms of being able to lead a functioning life - but I saw some slight improvements the past month. Around the time I wrote my introduction post my therapist and psychiatrist wanted me institutionalized for several things - not taking my medicines, my dependency to alcohol, suicidal thinking, avolition, etc.To avoid the institution I tried to behave more responsibly the past month, and I succeded, which must mean something. I’m being treated with Seroquel - it used to be Olanzapine - and I despise its side effects. But I was told that I must be patient.
@wolfman Even though you told me to ignore it, I followed your advice and watched Millenium actress. I’m really glad that I did, it was beautiful. Thank you. It did bring me to tears, but I assure you that whatever I feel when witnessing beauty is - however sad - never saddening to me. Infact, it might be the only thing in which I still see meaning. I also watched Paprika, but I find that on the topic of lucid dreaming “Waking life” as a movie is still unsurpassed. Have you seen it? It has to be one of my favourite movies.

@onceapoet There are so many beautiful renditions of Madama Butterfly one can find online, and at least one of them is with english subtitles. Indeed it is a majestic work of art. I’d love to read the poem you referred to, if you’ll find it. When I finally met the one I loved in person, after four years of waiting and ciphering and deciphering things(I’d never seen him before, he was a radio speaker), ironically - he fell in love with me. But when I finally accepted that what I’d lived the four years before was unreal - we were always fighting about that, because I thought he was lieing - I just couldn’t cope with him being around me, his denying that we’d ever loved each other before meeting, his having had other relationships in the meantime and so on. One day he told me: “You waited for me like a wife waits her husband from a war. And it’s as if I died in that war, and now I’ve just become a ghost to you”. Which was true.

Welcome! :smile: fng myself = Fun New Girl and everyone has been so wonderful.
So welcome again sorry i am really bad at welcoming WEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee