I scared myself yesterday, I went to an appointment with my nurse. I woke up feeling disconnected, and as soon as I got on the bus the voices of peoples thought all however many of them are kicked in, I got all terrified. Got to my appointment in one piece, however felt very hopeless and on the verge of tears but couldn’t cry. He could only see me for a short amount of time as his little boys school rang saying he was poorly. So I saw him for half an hour where he said what he usually says and it was rushed. I came out very triggered. Now my mum works near by my appointment place, so I rang her and got her to come out, she saw how much of a state I was I just said I wanted to go home. I went back to the place to cancel physio appointment as I’d have to wait an hour which felt unbearable they were okay with it. I felt really, really bad. Mum brought me home, gave me prn. But I was so desperate, and I went to make a cup of tea, a saying from hospital “should I kill myself or should I have a cup of tea” which comes from Camus who said the same but with coffee but I don’t like coffee so adapted it. But I was seriously considering it, I even laughed at the idea. I obviously wasn’t logical. But this is the second time I’ve nearly hurt myself on impulse. I had my cup of tea as mum would take her life and I’d be responsible, my family would lose two people, I know mum would be missed as she’s the thing that holds us all together.
My problem is I’m still thinking of ways to do it, I can’t seem to stop it, I’m just a desperation point. The med increase hasn’t helped. I have my next psychiatrist appointment next week, mums coming with me as my nurse can’t make it. Mums hopefully going to give me some time alone with him, as she tends to speak for me, she fears if I carry on like this I’m going to wind up in hospital,that it will be the end of me. I’m trying everything.
Mum recommended ‘clang clang’ music to distract from voices, as its not ordered or any specific tune, It will get you thinking ‘what the hell’ the one i found actually was made to represent extreme states of mind, I’m going to try
that and I’m replacing normal tea with camomile. But does anyone have any tips on facing voices? I do grounding, mindfulness, breathing techniques, but I don’t know what exactly else I can do as these don’t seem to be working.
Sorry for the length I needed it out. I just don’t like how this is going and the fluctuating states, I just fear how this is going to turn out.
Thank you I’m advance,
Meg.
1 Like
I’m glad your fighting it and staying distracted. Having thoughts like this circle round and round gets very wearing on the will power.
I’m glad you had some tea and had some other distractions. I hope you can keep distracting yourself until the thoughts quiet down.
Sometimes I have to ability to face the voices… I just have to distract myself… force myself to maybe go on the internet and look up something I never knew anything about and try and learn something new… or I watch some amusing Youtube vids…
My sis got me addicted to the cat that rides the vacuum. There is something odd but funny to me about that one.
If you paint or draw… that might occupy the hands and drain the brain as well. This is also when my sis would break out the coloring books… just some hand eye activity that is a bit calming and meditative. Picking colors that express my upset… or picking colors that just make me happy… that has worked in the past…
if you don’t have any books… there are some great pics on the net. I like the lotuses and mandalas.
There are times where even with my best efforts… the clatter in my head just won’t shut up. So I have to distract the best I can and then ignore the best I can.
I’m wishing you all my luck and I hope you can find a moment of calm.
I’m rooting for you a lot.
3 Likes
Thank you James, your reply means a lot especially on your birthday, you could have avoided me if you wished, you’re so kind!
Thank you for your suggestions. I will give them a go! I do enjoy doing art etc But don’t feel up to coming up with things so colouring may be good I’ll look on the Internet for some mandalas, I enjoy them too, I always forget you can get them online nod print them off! I will go in search of funny YouTube videos!
I will keep fighting, thank you again,
Take care, rooting for you too!
Meg.
1 Like
When you’re in danger of losing control and hurting yourself or others the best place to be is the hospital. It’s a safe place where nothing bad is going to happen. It can be boring and the rules can be a pain to follow, but people are there to make sure you stay safe.
Please know that going into the hospital is not a bad thing nor permanent. Hospitals these days are for crisis management, they don’t hold you as long as they used to years ago and unless you’re very seriously disturbed, you won’t go to a long term facility.
If you think you’re losing control then please get help.
3 Likes
Thank you @Malvok, I will, I told mum and I see my psychiatrist next Wednesday, I told her so I could tell him. I hope it doesn’t come to hospital, that was my demise last time, went in acute, came out chronic, I was there nine months and the staff were terrible,and that was a ward for adolescents. I just fear what an adult ward could be like. I also get all irrational thinking they will laugh in m face an call me a liar.
I just don’t know where I’m headed I’m going to do my best to fight this.
Take care,
Meg.
Wish I could help you find the sense of self that would defeat this illness. It’s a personal battle. You have to be mindful, wise and disconnected. You have to battle for power over it. You have to have trust in the world enough to realize and believe it’s all in your head. Try fighting it on all fronts, but pick your battles wisely. Chip it apart conquer the things you know you can do. What the voices say can often indicate what needs to be changed. Sometimes it’s belief, sometimes it’s operation. The best thing you can do is disconnect from your past and meditate. Strive for total thoughtlessness even with the voices, even if it’s only for a few seconds at a time. Spend sometime there and you will realize you can change anything about your conscious runtime. You can shape yourself into something you might like better, that alone will make you stronger. Hope this helps Meg! How long have you had this illness?
Thanks @BryanAshley, I like how you put that, apologies for not replying yet to the private message; I will! And I’ve been ill technically, five years, I know it sounds a long time and I’ve had times of peace since that first year but I’ve been pretty unwell since September triggered off by a life drawing class. And this last two months I’ve been doing compulsory life drawing as part of college but this time it was only females, the nudity triggers something from my past when I was becoming unwell. I feel that may have been contributing.
I went into college today and officially deferred my course, it’s there in September if I want it but there’s no pressure, just need to hear about my degree now.
Thank you for your kind words, l will work on what you have said! I really will and hopefully with that an all the other techniques I will come out of this!
Take care,
Meg.
1 Like