Over the past few days I’ve been restless and I’ve been having dark thoughts.
Thoughts about how I don’t deserve to be here, don’t deserve to eat, don’t deserve sleep.
Thoughts about self-harm. I feel a need to cut.
And I came to the realisation that although I haven’t cut in years, I’m still self harming in other ways. By withholding food from myself, or biting my cuticles until they bleed, or waiting with bathroom visits until it starts to hurt.
I find some comfort in not eating. Like I’m being punished for something I want to be punished for. Does that make sense?
Lately I’ve been going hungry a lot and have had to force myself to eat. Today I feel like throwing up after finally having a meal.
I’m also sad/depressed.
I worry these are symptoms that things are abut to get worse. I know it’s most likely just a passing dip in my wellbeing, but I also feel this way before hospitalizations and I really don’t want to be hospitalized here in Greece.
How do I know if it’s just a passing phase or a sign of something worse?
How do I get rid of the self-harm and starving urges?
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So sorry you are going thru this @Pikasaur.
Hope you can stay safe and not have to go to the hospital.
Hope you feel better soon.
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Thank you for the well wishes 
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I’m so sorry you are going through this. When I feel like cutting myself, I got this bracelet with beads that you could put scented oils on, and i could play with the beads when I got agitated. Also, I don’t know what you like to do for fun, but maybe you can find something that just relaxes you and calms you down.
If you can walk outside and hopefully get some sunshine, that would be good, too. When I get depressed, I put on a favorite show, with a cup of hot tea.
Hang in there and please take care of yourself. If you get suicidal, please see your doctor. It’s better to let the doctor know, so you don’t get to the point when you are in critical mode.
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I am having some suicidal thoughts, but I don’t have any intention of committing suicide.
This is the self-harm assessment sheet Starlet’s doctor uses. There are some things listed that surprised me, but do make a lot of sense.
In the past six months, how often have you:
Overdosed?
Cut yourself?
Burned yourself?
Hit yourself?
Scratched until it hurt/bled?
Banged your head?
Prevented wounds from healing (e.g., picking scabs)?
Starved to hurt yourself?
Exercised while having an injury?
Abused laxatives to hurt yourself?
Made medical situations worse (E.g., skipped medication or appointments)?
Abused alcohol?
Abused illicit substances (street drugs)?
Abused prescription medication (yours or someone else’s)?
Driven recklessly?
Had many impulsive and/or unprotected sexual encounters?
Set yourself up to be rejected in a relationship?
Were involved in emotional/verbal abuse?
Were involved in physical abuse?
Were involved in sexual abuse?
Impulsively quit a job?
Tortured yourself with self-defeating thoughts or painful memories?
Attempted suicide?
These are all forms of self-harm and self-destructive behavior. Have you been able to get mental health support in your new country yet?
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10306 is the number in Greece for psychological support during quarantine. Maybe the quarantine affected you?
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I can definitely cross off some of those, yes.
I haven’t been able to get mental health support yet. I got the info for a good pdoc, but he hasn’t returned my calls nor emails.
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I’m sorry. I know how hard it is to find help in the middle of a pandemic. Can you try other doctors in the meantime? Call the number @Om_Sadasiva provided?
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I’ve been using my roommates phone to try and call the pdoc, but I’m too embarassed to ask for the phone to call a support number
You can always delete the record of the call after
I don’t think he’ll lend me his phone if I don’t tell him why I need it
Say to get a doctor. If the support line there is anything like the support line here, they will just give you numbers for doctors in your area, not actually treat you from the hotline.
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Now I feel shame for isolating in my room instead of entertaining my roommate who is stuck working in his room for another four hours.
It’s really selfish of me when I know he could use my company.
But I just want to cry and be alone. Well, I really want to talk to someone about it, but not him.
Your roommate is a dick for making you feel selfish. Your duty as a roommate is to help keep common areas clean and keep the volume down during quiet hours. It is NOT to cater to every emotional whim your roommate has.
Oh no he didn’t do anything to make me feel selfish. It’s my inner thoughts. we just have this unspoken agreement that i keep him company once I get off work
What about an unspoken agreement that you deserve some alone time just like most people?
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We do have a spoken agreement that I should take my alone time when I need it rather than hang out with him if I really don’t want to
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That’s good. Then see? No reason to worry about not spending time with him. You can just focus on finding a pdoc who can help you.
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