I'm scared of being schizo... (have a relapse)

DX'd - Sz/SzA
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Hello, I am new here. I found this place by searching “life is unbearable”.

I tried to kill myself 5 times last year. Then I was diagnosed and got medication. Talked to a lot of professionals.

I got much better and I haven’t thought of suicide or dying for more than a half year. Was doing good. Thought I was strong. I got straight A’s in school and was motivated and looking forward to what I will become in the future. Recently I even started doing sports. I talked to my therapist (who is really amazing) once a week since October.

I realized there was something wrong few weeks ago. I started to be tired. At school, last friday (week ago) was unbearable to me. Now, every little thing seems so heavy and challenging. I can’t see the purpose of anything. I feel like I’m drolling! I see myself in the future being a homeless. Because I have no friends (well 2 but we only talk few times a month through fb), no boyfriend, I am introverted and invisible. And at the same time, I don’t like people, so…

So it will probably be me on my own with schizophrenia in the future. I though I figured it out, I would never drown again… I don’t think about suicide, but about death, yes.

So, I am scared. I fear I won’t finish my school in this state (am on 1st grade of 3 grades (subject goldsmith) ). I fear they won’t give me disability benefits and I won’t be able to work at the same time. I fear I will be lonely till I die (am 16 btw). I fear I will stay in my hometown forever, or even live with my parents.

I wish I was able to create my life like others do. I don’t want to parasite on state. But I feel so weak.

Idk where my place is. Or if there is a place for me. Makes me wonder, should I perhaps try have my own little farm somewhere? Move on and island? Live a simple, but hard life? Or rather hope I will magically get together with the man I like? (Of course I won’t lol.) Find someone on internet who thinks similarly and do things together?

But even those things seem too hard and purposeless… I’d probably end up badly.

Schizophrenia is so scary. Can you give me some advice or thoughts on this? Should I try to get a disability benefits, do you think I wil get them (I am not from US - I am from central Europe)?

If you read this, thanks for your time and advice.

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Sz isnt something that you can “relapse” into.

its not like drugs or alcohol.

and yes sz is the scariest obstacle that ive ever encountered.

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Hey and welcome.

With this illness we have ups and downs, you know that already. Don’t make life long decisions on a temporary mood. Try your best to avoid stress but be proactive about your life. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s possible.

There’s nothing wrong with understanding our limitations and being on disability, you’re not a parasite to do so. Research what it means to be a parasite :slight_smile: You’ll feel better about yourself.

You don’t know how you will end up, things can change in an instant.

Wish you all the best.

:heart:

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Well, before I tried to kill myself, I had this state of mind for a few years (about 4) and I was alright just few months… And I’m coming back. So that’s why.

I can’t see being “proactive about life” right now, sorry :smiley:

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first your doing more than most can even bring them selves to, i know its not easy, your strength inspires me, truly i am grateful no suicidal feelings, i have not come to ur level of recovery, but your doing the best u can, id say its in u to get through this , find self care kit designed specific to your individual experience, to stress is to feed the illness, ur human and even though u have a illness , its not powerful enough for u can choose, break it down, , remove any external stressors emmietietly. sing aloud if if it sounds funny, make a fony laugh till it comes real, ur spirit need be lifted, ur doing great, just inspire the spiritual part of u, dont be afraid of faluire, its to time consuming and for ■■■■ sakes, if u dont feel hope, well first, u let go let god, yell at god demand him to make things happen , he will carry the load, take many breaks, u can get through this any body even with out the illness go through same things. i just know if i give axcuse, im letting my self believe that this illness is deathly. ■■■■ what u learned give ur self credit. if u fall, get back up, thats what we do. and scizophrenia people all can find there strenth, we should never under estimate any body. ill or not.

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You’re right. You should discuss this with your therapist, he’s probably equipped to deal with your suicidal thoughts.

As for your fear of relapse, a low stress life is the best.

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I will. Thank you for answering :]

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Thank you. This was enlightening. This world seems unreal to me right now, and every bright side seems to be a lie. But I could kind of see it while reading this. I would like to be weak for a moment and have someone carry me in hands. Figuratively. Damn, I’ve never kissed anyone. Never touched anyone for years…
I will try to create a life suitable for me. Without stress, goals and with things I love… I’d only pray for somebody to love. That’d be grat.
Thanks again and wish you luck with your life too :]

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i dont know u and im sad cus ur sad and if i could reach ur grief, id give my hands to hold u, my love to reasure u, my ears to hear you and remind u with silence no word. to remind u are loved and always have been and always will be.

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…Thank you <3

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You might want to get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist so you can know what you are up against. Remember that with this illness, you will have to depend on others much more than you might like. You might have to drop out of school. Disability is not bad. We all have to have a livelihood. You will need a roof over your head, food, clothing, medication. As Minnii said, part acts-one day at a time. We can’t make long range plans with this illness. Learn as much as you can about SZ from reliable sources and on your own. Find a psychiatrist who is sympathetic and competent to treat you. You might have to spend some time in a hospital. You might be more alone than you want to be. You can talk to us here anytime.

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Thanks. I’ve been already in hospital 3 times, 4 months. Psychiatrist were very hesitant with diagnosis. They didn’t know at all. After a year being under their observation, they came up with schizophrenia. They said that it’s possible they were wrong. But it makes me trust them a little less, bc I told them many things, they tested me on many things and they had no idea for a long time. But who else can I trust right? They also didn’t answer my question, why do they think I have sz. Oh well. Doctors.
Yeah, I will talk right this monday with my therapeutist, try to explain my feelings as well as I can. Imagining I would get disability actually makes me feel safe. My mother was terrified when I once told her that I think I might need it. I dropped off school last year, so hopefully I can do this one… If not, I will start praying to jesus probably :smiley:

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Hi, welcome to the forum.

It sounds to me like you do want to live. And you’re only 16, there’s a lot of life ahead of you and it doesn’t have to be scary although I know it is for you at the moment.

With the right psychiatrist and the right medicine you can live a full life. You will learn your limitations, probably the hard way, along the way and you will either live to them or exceed them.

Goldsmithing sounds like an interesting subject to study, keep at it.

You will see after trialling a few different medications, that life gets less scary. I know psychosis and the symptoms of schizophrenia make the world a very scary place indeed. Try not to add to it by worrying about the future. It’s like jumping hurdles before the race has even started.

I think you will be ok if you keep posting about your concerns here, find a good doctor and try your hardest with medication. There really aren’t any alternatives.

I am sorry you have felt suicidal in the past. I have to and still do to some extent. But you aren’t going through with it (thankfully) so there is hope for you.

Keep in touch here and you will see many people suffer as you do and you can learn a lot from people here. Different coping skills, different methods of dealing with schizophrenia symptoms. Good on you for taking the plunge and posting here. Keep it up and good luck!

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Thank you.

Yes, it helped me very much here. I felt much better.

It is bad, that I can have swings between emotions and beliefs. One day I think the world is beautiful, then the other day I think I am a liar and feel the need to die…

I think I might have just had yesterday my first hallucination… I physically felt like someone is touching me and some insects crawling on me, even tho when I lit up the light, there was nothing. I am going to talk to therapist this week, so I will tell her…

Tbh, I felt really bad the day I wrote this and the week, but now I somehow can’t remember HOW I felt, ya know? I can’t tell, why I wanted to die and found it hard to study and work and continue… Right now, it doesn’t make sense.

But I still feel the same about moving to some island. It is my dream. But with feelings like those last week, I am afraid I am not independent enough, that I need some backup.

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One thing I have started doing that helps me is writing in a diary. I can write “hallucinations” or “delusions” that I experience, and I also write side effects from medicine.

I take this to my psychiatrist and discuss whatever is written.

Tactile hallucinations as you described are really distressing. I was convinced that I has three caterpillars living beneath the skin of my left foot for about three months last year. It was an awful feeling.

I still get them almost daily. I feel bugs under the skin of my face and practically tear at my cheeks to get rid of the sensation.

It is also distressing, this feeling that you just want to or need to die. I get this as well and it can be accompanied by visions of myself hanging or something equally as distressing.

Don’t act on it. Hold on to the days where you think the world is beautiful. Write those days down in your diary and when you are feeling the opposite, try to force yourself to read about the days when you though the world was beautiful.

I really feel for you. It is a difficult road to travel down, but you are doing everything right and I am confident that you will travel well even if you have a few setbacks.

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