Sorry to post a negative, I try not to make posts like this because I don’t want to come off as needy or obnoxious, but I’m really having a tough time tonight. I messed up my sleep schedule the last couple of days and I woke up at midnight, now I have to stay up through morning and try to make it to the night before I go to sleep. I’m up, alone, and we’re out of cokes. I really needed that cola with my pizza, I should have put one aside when we were low. Little things out of sorts like that can really cause me trouble. Ice water from the tap tends to make me nauseous.
Anyway I keep getting dark thoughts like how horrible my life is and how wrecked I am and how I’ll never be better. I’ve improved a lot over the last few years, but all that does is make me more presentable to others, it doesn’t really lessen my suffering that much. I still feel like total crap even though I’m not delusional.
And the voices, they have been so bad the last few days. They are quiet so far today but I don’t know if that will last. I just want to talk to my mom or drive to Taco Bell like I did in California. I hate it here in VA so much. No car, no friends, my mom’s not here, and the food sucks. I don’t know if I can make it through the next two months before the move.
I’m not asking for answers because I spent years doing that and I’ve asked every possible question at least twice now. I just wanted to post my troubles and be heard, and maybe get some general support or tips or something. I also feel like I’m out of pharmaceutical options, as changing APs is risky, and I can’t up my dose because I already dedicate two hours of my time a day to walking in circles in the garage because of the akathisia
I’m up and I can stay up as long as you need me to. I understand your suffering you know very will that i’ve Been there before cause you’ve even helped me out. The medication part try doing research on things you might want to try that you think can help. That’s what I did and now I’ve been doing pretty good!
I do hate that I seem presentable to everyone because then they don’t understand the pain I’m in.
Hang in there. You ride out the bad times and you revel in the good.
I’ve been a bit funky lately myself. Often happens around this time of year for me regardless how I’ve been doing. Still. Keep to routine. It saves me from a lot of issues by just living life with some decent structure.
You’ve always a friend around here so as always it’s see how you go in 24 hours!
I don’t know if my mom realizes how much I miss her. She always lived nearby, and even when I lived alone I’d visit her once a week. She’s very kind and empathetic, and is loving and supportive. She had to get me living somewhere else during onset because things were so bad, and after I regained my insight she was so happy and would tell me how she had thought I was never going to get it back. She eventually let me rent a room from her again, but then had to move out to CA because her boyfriend lives there (they met again at a high school reunion here in VA, he’s great).
She invited me for month long visits three separate times, and is now inviting me to live over there. I guess that’s a pretty big deal that she trusts me again. We’re both pretty sure that the insight is permanent, it has not faltered for over a year. Also the cash settlement she’s getting is six figures and is going to allow her to get a two bedroom place where I can stay in a room (and pay rent if need be). She thinks it’s a blessing since she can afford to move me out there. I know she cares about me, but unlike me she expresses things like that through actions and not words a lot of the time.
So there’s a lot of good things in the future for me. I’ve also got enough money saved up to my myself a car there. It’s hard to focus on those things when you’re having a really tough time though.
I realize I’ve probably mentioned those things before, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to go through it again, it feels theraputic.
I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. If I recall correctly, you live in the northern Virginia area. I grew up there and lived there for my first 32 years of life. It’s super STRESSFUL! I think it will do you a world of good to get out. It must be hard to be in limbo, just counting the days until you move. You’ve been doing really well for the most part, so hold on, and things will get better again!
Thanks @anon39736208. Things are kind of falling apart between my step dad and his parents, I’m sitting here worried about him getting angry at me for staying up, or not agreeing to drive me to the grocery store and saying I have to finish eating something else in the fridge first (something I never agreed to purchase/eat in the first place) and just stressful stuff like that. I really need some loaded bagels and soda to get through the day and I have the money to pay for it but he makes it difficult.
My mom would just give me the keys and say see you when you get back. She doesn’t have anger issues like he does.
I’m trying to distract myself by doing laundry and drinking really cold water with a bowl of breakfast cereal.
I’m not a big fan of the dark, and hate being up sometimes before the sunrise,
but anyway, it’s also important I would say to try to take your meds
at the same time every day. I know the feeling of walking in circles,
I still pace the kitchen, and it drives Phil crazy, and even my mom
has asked if I’m ok. well as I can be.
Hope you get your Coca Cola, I used to love that kind of pop. I really like the fountain kind in a bar or restaurant.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I pace a lot myself and find it actually can help me think from time to time. I can understand wanting your favorite drink sometimes all I want is a sweet tea and I’m also sorry you couldn’t sleep last night, I hope you get some tonight
Hi @agent101g. As i told you before you always welcome if you wish to enjoy our gaming team. Thats lot of fun. For other things don t take life so serious. There is always open doors for every room and always a solution for all problems. Don t forget it. Best wishes
Thanks for the replies. I’m feeling a lot better right now than when I posted this when I woke up. One thing I can always count on is that if I’m feeling awful, I’ll feel better at some point, at least for awhile. The voices have been quiet the whole day also which has been a blessing.
