I’m suicidal all the time and I’m so tired of it, I keep feeling and wondering how much more I can take, and my stress continues to build regardless of what I do. You can’t relax when your safety is constantly feeling at risk and my PTSD is just relentless. I’m crying because I’ll be sleeping alone tonight and it’s been a while since that’s upset me but I feel like I’m staring into a black hole lately and it’s sucking me in. Which is a much better feeling than the black hole being in my chest, so maybe things are improving slightly. I don’t want to but I do. I want this pain to end. I feel like I’m ruined.
This reads exactly like something I would have posted 9 years ago. I don’t know if that is helpful or not to hear. Just, you have a future. You are not ruined. You are in a low time. It will pass, just like it’s passed before, and like it will pass the next time it happens. And eventually, you will have gone through these lows enough times to trust that they will pass.
There is a lot outside of our control that impacts our safety in the world right now. It makes the bad times feel even worse. It is hard to get out of the adrenaline response mindset when there are so many real threats to account for. If you want, I can share some things that help me with that. If not, just know that I believe in your ability to keep surviving and get to a place where you are safe and happy.
5 Likes
I could take any advice I can get. I currently can’t see a therapist because of insurance stuff, and I’m going through trauma processing, I feel alone in it though I’m not truly.
1 Like
Join the club. Same here
2 Likes
Things that help me:
-
Listening to audiobooks at night as I’m falling to sleep. I pick one I have read before, and set a timer to about 90 minutes. It gives my brain something to think about besides the anxiety and the dread.
-
Waking up at the same time every day and doing stretches. It helps lessen the pain throughout the day which helps me accomplish more things I want to do, which helps me feel in control of my life.
-
I deleted all social media and algorithm-based apps and websites. Learning about what is happening in the news stresses me out, and I can’t actually do anything to control it. If something is important to my daily life, I trust that I will find out in the course of my life. It is harder to avoid news than to find it.
-
I picked one thing I could do to make the world a better place and did that. For me, that was volunteering here. As my functioning level increases, I can increase the things I do. As it lowers, I let go of things, but I try to keep at least one. For me, it has to be something where I can see the effect my actions have, and see measurable progress. It reminds me I am not powerless against the overwhelming negativity. It reminds me that my existence has a positive impact on the people around me.
Basically, I guess, I feel better when I feel like the subject of my own life, not an object in someone else’s.
3 Likes
Just a few places in this thread where it is obvious you are better at keeping a hold of your own mindset than a few years ago. You are improving, even if it is hard to see right now.
2 Likes
Idk I don’t have much advice but I’d like to thank @Ninjastar for the advice but if you wanna vent you can vent to me in DMs
I’ve seen you post a lot recently and I’m hoping you know that people here care about you including me
My DMs are always open I’m no professional I’m really not but I’m here for you
2 Likes
I appreciate the kind words and help, I’m just exhausted so I don’t know how to reply. I keep breaking down, I can’t eat or sleep well and when I do I’m having PTSD nightmares, suddenly having severe separation anxiety making me nauseous, I have a headache and am hallucinating I think, I guess Rick thinks I’m delusional and paranoid, and some of my neuro symptoms lingering, I almost fell over a few times today and spilled and dropped things a lot. Just feeling like I’m breaking apart again and it’s frustrating. But @Ninjastar is right, I have come a long ways since diagnosis. I remember a few years back when I first moved cities for years I was so psychotic I was near word salad and couldn’t sleep for weeks.
2 Likes
I just got home from a pretty rough shift. Only because I felt like ■■■■ and the ■■■■■■■ lights were so bright and my coworkers are all in their early 20s and would not shut the ■■■■ up. I can’t tell if I’m hallucinating or what I’m hearing but I’m nervous
2 Likes
I’m putting on some music to try to drown those voices and bumps because I have a feeling it’s not real
1 Like
Music worked for a while and I was able to kind of sleep but my migraine continues and I gagged when I took my meds and nearly threw up so my sensory issues are that bad. I’m still hallucinating really badly.
1 Like
Things change moon. Im going through something similar but i dont really want to end my life just to stop suffering. The thing im trying to remeber during the hard times is that they alwasy come and go. Your not ruined and neither am i…just difficult times. If you can remeber the last time it wasn’t so bad just know times like that are ahead of you too.
I know religion is banned but in Buddhism there is a teaching called impermanence. The nature of life is change and impermanence is also capable of bring about good changes just like bad.
Seriously..do not forget that there is good in your life too.
Also..your a "good person ". Imagine dealing with all of that ontop of questions about being a bad person. It can always be worse