When my voices came in and started talking 4 and a half years ago they explained that I was a psychic and that they were living inside of me. They were just a part of me. When I disagreed with them and stopped doing things like hard drugs which I had experimented with they had to get off me/detach. Now that they are off of me they want me to die because if they can’t be me then they don’t want me to exist. They said that they will ride me to the grave while torturing me. Tonight I started to believe this again. It is an actual religious concept in shamanism that people can have spirits that come and attach to them because they want to be able to live and take part in human things like eating cheeseburgers and doing cocaine. It’s also a lot like demonic possession/oppression in Christianity. I guess I need someone to tell me its not real and that this is a stupid delusion.
My voices were based on the concept of me (an individual) trying to attach meaning to random voices. What starts as a problem with the way the brain processes thought seems to result in random hallucinations that usually manifest in the form of hearing voices. Mt first voices where specific to what was immediately occurring in my situation at the time.
As time went on, they would change and evolve. But two things about them were constant. Using old learned information and ideas, and also reflecting my life situations as they occurred. Past incidences were transformed into new situations where my life before I got sick now had consequences due to previous events and how I had handled them. And my current obsessions and influences made their way into what the voices said too.
None of it is real. One of the reasons why they are so hard to ignore is that they ultimately come from your own mind. Although I’ve been frightened and repulsed by what I’ve heard, i realize that it’s all based on my overall knowledge. And how I imagine other people might respond to what i was thinking or what was going on with me. Quite often these were people who were not representative of those who i might call normal. They were evil and ignorant, based on my ideas about who would stoop so low as to harass others, knowing they were venerable and had an illness.
It doesn’t reflect on who a you actually are. It’s more a reflection of how you may imagine others may think. What’s weird is that I still believe most people are good to some degree, that it’s not the norm to go out of their way to be hateful or wish others harm.
Everyone has a different response and an overall experience with their illness. It can manifest itself in infinite ways. But I think it’s important to understand what it is to experience what it’s like when the symptoms are at a minimum. It may give you new insight into things like hallucinations and the delusions that follow.
Thanks, this makes a lot of sense. It’s just been happening for so long without a break it’s starting to really get to me at times.
you seem unstable. seek help from an E R or if you have a psychiatrist tell him immediately what you are going through.
The last time I went to the ER I was in a much worse place than this. I thought people were coming to kill me and I was barricading myself in my room. They basically just sent me home after 30 minutes and said they couldn’t do anything for me.
have you been diagnosed as schizophrenic? you probably need an evaluation but should not have any problems being admitted voluntarily to a mental ward…you need help .
I’m schizoaffective bipolar type. I’m on 160mg Geodon but it hasn’t really been working. I have a pdoc appointment on the 28th and I think they are planning to put me on clozapine once they find out this isn’t working.
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