I don’t know how to do forums but I needed somewhere to talk.
I’m diagnosed with bipolar schzioaffective disorder, OCD, and ptsd.
I don’t feel connected to the world around me. I don’t feel connected to my body, which might be from the fact that I rarely feel physical contact. I don’t know why, but it feels like there’s some barricade between me and the external touch that keeps me from feeling it. I can only tell if someone touches me by the temperature change.
I’ve always had snow vision, which presents as static. And there are times it feels very enlightened, but sometimes it feels like I’m in some Truman Show type scenario. I can feel an audience watching me always. I can feel the oppressive cameras looming over my every move. I rationally know this isn’t life. But, that rational thought depends on people being honest with me, and it’s a lot of work to convince myself people are real.
They feel like things that exist when I can see them, that disappear when I can’t. My brain can’t comprehend that they’re real people. I have to convince myself that they have lives and emotions, but I never really believe it. I’m on medication (geodon, some medication for OCD that doesn’t work very well, an antidepressant for sleep that my body keeps building a tolerance for, and some extra med for the nightmares that just doesn’t work).
Everyone keeps telling me to be less nervous. It should be easy because I have low empathy, but I don’t even think I’m afraid of the people around me- but the people who are watching me.
I try to live a “healthy” life; people tell me that’s how you make the symptoms better. I can’t be too strict about my diet because it’s hard enough to get a single meal down, but I try to get 8 hours of sleep, I go to the gym when I have the energy, and I go to therapy when I can afford it.
I can’t stop the compulsions. They’re not too bad, all things considered. I pace and pull at my hair and eyelashes. My psychiatrist gets passive aggressive whenever I say a med isn’t working, and I have this sense that if I push against this I’ll be left flat with nothing. I’m paranoid my phone and apartment are tapped by my father.
My husband tries to be there for me, but it’s hard when you don’t know the fundamentals of what’s wrong. On paper he knows most things, but he can’t wrap his head around most of it. Sometimes I shrink up and it just frustrates him. But I don’t know how to explain the fear. Sometimes when things get like that I just hide in the closet and text him I ran to the store.
I’m not in danger. But I don’t know what to do. I’m so desempate for contact, but I don’t know how to socialize. I have no sense of self, and I don’t know how to make one. It’s hard living with the guilt of simply existing.
And all the while, the audience watches, threatening me in ways I cannot comprehend.
I don’t know why when I think of people from my childhood I liked I feel sick and contaminated. It feels like a slime on my organs.
If you have any advice, I’d appreciate it.
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Is it working to quell the positive symptoms?
I.e. does it prevent you from hearing/seeing things that aren’t there? And does it prevent you from losing touch with reality?
Main thing !
I have an attention span of an ant !
So when you write about yourself introduce your self little by little !
It’s like small drops of water make a mighty ocean 
You will have an impact by small drops 
Welcome to the forum 
I feel bad for you… you sound unwell.
I guess the only advice I can give you, is to keep up the exercise, and stay distracted throughout the day.
Nobody is watching you btw, and your apartment & phone is not tapped. That’s just a delusion.
Good luck.
Welcome to the forum 
Welcome to the forum
I experience this all day everyday. It’s awful. My way of trying to deal with it is to say ok, they may be watching but I’m doing nothing wrong, at least that I know of. Thats the best I can do.
I also try to keep my mind occupied, whether it’s exercise, talking to people, reading, being here on the forum, watching tv, working or doing whatever I can do to get my mind off of it.
At work I try to stay super busy so I’m not flipping out. Working is really hard but I’m doing it . I just started working a part time job 2 months ago. That was after being afraid to leave my home for 10 years.
Stick around here with us. We don’t just talk about our illness we talk about other things too. It’s very helpful
It helps with the tactile hallucinations. I’ve been on half of any antipsychotic anyone can prescribe and it’s the only one that’s helped with that.
I appreciate the response! I’m working on finding a job right now. I was hospitalized 2 years ago after a near death experience and I haven’t had a job since. I started going back to school, which has given me stuff to do.
That’s great that you’re in school. What are you studying?
Good luck on the job search!
I feel like I am being monitored and threatened all the time, but CBT has helped me stop taking it seriously. Also, after three decades of nothing happening it is pretty clear to me that it is not real and I am not in danger nor have I ever been. I just ignore it. You should too.
Welcome to the community.
I’m studying journalism
As far as paranoid thoughts are concerned its helpful sometimes to get down your exact way of experiencing them, understanding them as a paranoid overreaction, or a false alarm that you get, or speculations without proof etc. there are ways of conceptualizing the experience of paranoia. Identifying it right away and understanding it in a way that doesn’t make it real.
Welcome to the forum.
Does your husband eat the same food as you? And doesn’t have problems? To me it sounds like food poisoning, but I could be wrong.
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