I am kind of desperate and was wondering if anyone else here shares my feelings sometimes. It would be of great help to learn if someone did. Just to know I wasn´t alone.
Here is my problem.
As long as I can remember, I haven´t felt human. Not really a green alien or anything. I mean, I look like a human. But I have always felt that I am living alongside people, not as one of them. That makes it hard to integrate socially, especially being as females are expected to be naturally social. There is a lot of pressure. I feel socially retarded. When I was younger I was very outgoing and chatty. But I somehow changed and disappeared into my own little universe. I no longer have many social skills, and I have to use a lot of effort and thinking just to speak to people. I am left thinking “What the hell happened to me”. Excuse my language.
I get easily paranoid and suspicious, and have a hard time trusting people. That doesn´t help.
On top of that, some years ago, I lost my cognitive abilities, to my great dismay.
Lately, I somehow got some back, and was able to take an exam in economical mathematics as university level. But my life is not what it should have been, before I got sick I had big plans.
The problem is, I just can´t feel human. I hate it. I try really hard, but I will never be one of them. I felt close once, but an upset reminded me why I was stupid for even considering that.
I feel constantly lonely, even around other people. And I have a constant sadness inside me that sometimes gets too much. So I send a little signal out to the universe and hope that someone, somewhere, can feel what I feel.
From reading your post I can judge that your health is better than mine. I can’t even read or write such long paragraphs. As a child I could read entire book in one sitting now I’m just pathetic. Hope me comparing to you and making you realise your problems are not as big as mine help you relatively…
The question is, do you find it hard to feel for people or you have a hard time when you’re among people?
I feel for people sometimes even too much but I can get get extremely bounded and that’s when I isolate myself. I have a fear that I’m.going to get attached and then hurt so I tend to break my friendship just like that. So I’m the opposite.
One of my most persistent delusions is the belief that I am not actually a human, but a demon sent to suck the life force out of all the good and pure humans of the world. I used to avoid getting too close to people because I felt like they didn’t deserve to have their life drained by me. I pushed away all my old friends in an attempt to save them.
The only thing that helped me was finding the right medication. I still feel like a demon on some really bad days, but those only come up about once a year during times of great stress. I have learned to reach out to people when I’m feeling this way, instead of shutting them out. It is incredibly helpful to come to this site and post about my delusion. Then, other posters can reassure me that I’m really a person.
You are definitely a human being, and you’re worth just as much as every other human on the face of the earth.
