I am wary of posting anything about my not being on meds. I do not encourage anyone to stop or avoid their meds because I know they are necessary for most people. However, I really want to share my situation, and I don’t want to provoke or offend anyone. This is only about me. I remember seeing dark creatures on the walls and in corners of rooms when I was four years old. I had trouble sleeping and I screamed a lot. When I was 12-13 the demons arrived to torment me. I heard them and saw them and later could feel them. I spent much of my teens sitting in my closet, bashing my head against the wall to help me sleep, cutting myself and dreaming of suicide. I was devoutly religious, though, and would never do what God told me not to. I am 48 now. I’ve had multiple therapists, undergone an exorcism, lived through an abusive first marriage and survived.
My point is this, there is survival for me, but there is no recovery. I don’t know what that means for me. I can’t imagine life without voices and visions. I want peace, but my identity is intricately entwined with what I’ve come to understand is sz. I have never been “normal” so, while I respect completely those who wish to return, normal has never been home to me. Does this make sense? Anyone?
I guess I’m lucky that my voices and delusions were so terrifying that I was grateful for the respite the meds provided. I still have some breakthrough symptoms when stressed, but am more often than not free of positive symptoms now.
Pixel.
I get you. Can’t really explain but I get you.
And you said the important truth: we do have to find our own module of normality…because there is no other at all.
(Once you get that your happily married neighbour with two kids and a dog doesnt need to be your norm…it brings a little peace…
That said, I’m not even close to it…)
Please expand on this
I don’t have anything useful to say, other than to echo that understanding that the life I had to lead had to be the right one for me, not what I was told was the right one for everyone, was one of the most important lessons I’ve learned (am still learning.) But that doesn’t mean that I’m free of shame and grief. That’s a long process.
(I feel like @darksith might have helpful, insightful things to say about the experiences you have, maybe?)
(No pressure, @darksith 
)
Hmm…connection?
It does to me, but… is there a particular reason why you don’t take meds?
I’m still a bit new to this forum, but I’ve noticed people expressing a desire to return to normal. There was a time for them before the sz. I can’t remember a time before sz, even though I didn’t know it was sz. I don’t have the same reference. If others with sz have a place of peace and normalcy where they used to reside and wish to return, I understand and respect that. They have found themselves horribly dumped in the land of sz and they want out. I have always lived here.
First, the control I would be giving over to them terrifies me. Secondly, what could they do for me? What sort of changes would they make, and who then would I be? I wouldn’t recognize myself, and I believe that would be upsetting.
Kindness is always useful…comforting, inclusive, relating…Thank you.
I can relate to your post too…
I don’t think I wanted to return to “normal” because I never knew what normal was. My parents think my first break happened when I was 5. I’ve always been hyper… and I had very real imaginary friends. I even got in to a fight with one when I was 9 or so… and broke my hand.
There was time where even though I was able to get a job… handle a few night classes and keep myself together I still couldn’t imagine my life without my voices.
there were a few times docs gave me something (ECT or meds) that knocked my voices out of my head in a matter of days… too much change too fast… It was really hard to deal with… having my head changed so quickly.
Now that I’m older… and the voices have faded gradually… and my mind has stabilized gradually… I’m feeling better about not having the head circus always come to town.
Stress will trigger some of the head circus… but for the most part… It’s nice having a quiet head.
I can hold a job… I can manage a few night classes… I can get through my day, but I don’t consider myself normal.
Best of luck to us all.
What paranoia is usually all about at bedrock.
Take a look at this:
MBBT – An Introduction to Mind-Body Bridging & the I-System – New Harbinger Publications, Inc
Best stuff I know of for people with the control obsessions typical of positive symptom sz.
i am also 48…sz since childhood…paranoid at 5, i remembered my first delusion at 7…good times !?! 
i don’t do meds either…
i started cbt 2 years in january…i can’t remember exactly !?!
i highly recommend it…
i see hell below my feet, demons…the usual stuff
hear voices…blah blah blah…
some people do meds…some don’t
some people are scared of what they see…some aren’t ( i am not )
the point is there is no normal.
i get disability…now…but worked my whole life.
married
yes i am tormented everyday…
yes i struggle everyday…
i feel like crap at the moment…
but the illness does not define who you are.
i am never going to recover…at best i can be just sz.
i am diagnosed with sz, paranoia, ptsd, ocd, chronic psychosis,and chronic depression.
i have got rid of a few of these…through therapy.
buddhist priests who have been tortured…have compassion for their torturers…therefore they found peace.
i do not look for happiness nor sadness…but i try to be content…which lies between these two words.
when i am content…i feel peaceful.
but remember there are many who suffer…
people in wheelchairs…terminal illness…extreme poverty.
i see a lot of people have a moan about this illness…like it is the end of the world !?!
yet they came from a stable home…have food on the table…and a warm bed at night.
i always think of the many african children who have lost their parents…yet have to travel miles to get the basic need for water…
they are suffering from depression…ptsd…ocd…etc…maybe even sz.
yet they have no meds…no shrink…no parents…no support structure…
but what they have is a backbone…they are tough…because they have no choice but to be.
we are lucky in the western world… 
take care 
I need so much validation because I’ve been alone in this until now. I hid as much as I could and kept many secrets for so long. I started to feel like I was wrong to not try meds, but that’s not so, and I felt I needed to explain why they don’t attract me, why they wouldn’t be good for me. Anyway, we have much in common. That was generous of you to share so much and it brought me to tears. I used to be scared and feel ashamed, but I’ve come so far. I’m sorry you feel like crap right now. I’ll pray for you @darksith, and I don’t think it’s delusional to pray. God bless you.
thank you…
this forum is a safe place to talk…it has helped me heaps.
only by writing our thoughts down , expressing them…do we release them 
take care
I was fifteen when my life slid off the rails. I’m 56 now, so for the much greater part of my life I have been outside what was normal. I sometimes wonder how my life would have gone if I hadn’t made certain decisions. Maybe I would have cracked up anyway. I guess it’s useless to speculate on such a subject. The thing for me to do now is make the best of it. That’s the best thing for all of us - to make the best of it.
good on you
take care
I agree. I am never going to be "right.* But I’m a lot better than I was.
I respect your right to refuse meds. I’m on quite a bit of meds but I still have breakthrough symptoms.
I remember the day that I realized I no longer thought of being crazy as the central aspect of who I am. I’m sorry it hasn’t come for you. The only thing I can think to say is that I hope this is how you really feel and not something you’re telling yourself to avoid the struggle. Switch that around. You get to do it again tomorrow, right?