I am not sure whats happening to me, but in the evenings my brain gets smashed… Its so much pain that its hardly to imagine… I cant move, I feel my brain in my head or sometimes the opposite - I am like floating (without emotions)… Its terrible. Its the Zyprexa no? Idk if ill get used to this. Probably not after those two years…
Maybe the happiness is in one hand of a distance, but gosh… If this evening torture continues, ill never recover… I am trying now the lower dose of Depakote, that’s all.
But how you handle the meds side effects? I wonder how you are not in pain because of them? How is it possible to feel them so roughly only me? 
…
Maybe cause I am not the typical schizophrenic. Never had delusions or hallucinations. I was just dumb, bitter, desperate, paranoid, anxious, not eating or sleeping without pills. Not feeling positive emotions either, nor a ‘‘normal’’ thinking… Idk if the schizophrenics with negative symptoms are like this…
I also think how we end up looking the same outside on those meds… Don’t judge me hard on this, but all the men that I knew made me comments on how bad I look now… Idk so much about this anymore. But its sad how those meds change us. Big boobs, double chin, big cheeks, big noses… I am sorry for the details, but its rough. I live in a country where the look is important and now I should pay attention even to this, yeah… But honestly, the most of my ill friends who put weight, look just the same as me… Isnt it too much? Ok, enough for the look, but this counts yeah…Plus that the body and the soul are linked, the people still judge me on how I look…
I am more concerned how to heal my head. Ok, I try not to complain but my brain is literally smashed every evening…
Are you also so much alone in your mi? Me, I am quite alone, yes… I often don’t have the feelings to enjoy the others company, plus the paranoia…
Its just a dumb post of mine, cause I also don’t have the chance to switch anymore to another meds. The others were even worse than Zyprexa, not even a human thing… Maybe I am not a schizophrenic and that’s why I feel the meds so heavily on me? My thinking is very limited in my illness. Maybe its because of this?