I wish it was so easy

I had my appointment with nurse today, I’m coming away feeling worse coming from appointments than I was walking in.

He was very gentle with me with his words but I’m feeling so overwhelmed. He kept asking me what I thought would help and I know very well this was my chance to say “I want to see pdoc” but I didn’t, I thought if I did; this would be admitting defeat and I don’t need meds, it’s just their way of controlling me. That’s without thinking everyone would be disappointed. I went right back; I’m living in between different states of being; one minute I’m that scared and abused 15 year old who’s just starting to get psychotic, then angry psychotic, then present. I’m talking so quietly, fearful il’ll start shouting if I talk any louder. I’m not making much sense either.

I’m willing to accept that, I might not be dead I’m using it as protection to stop further memories surfacing and admitting that I’m feeling very low and suicidal, that I’m hating myself and I don’t want to accept those feelings. All my senses are telling me I’m dead but people around me are saying I’m not. I a very confused individual and I’m feeling rather angry at everything.

I just want this out of the way. I feel like if I let myself go right now I may not be coming back. So I’m holding myself together with all my might. I just wanted somebody to do the question for me “do you think you need med alterations, do you want to see your doctor?” I couldn’t make myself do it, despite it being on the tip of my tongue I thought I’d cry if I asked the question.

I don’t get it, why couldn’t I do something so simple, that might help? I’m feeling full of disappointment with myself, I thought I was beyond this now!

I just want to curl up or run away, can’t decide which. Probably curly up… I’m very tired.

Thank you for reading.
Take care,

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@Dante13 please could you call on the phone and schedule an emergency appointment with your pdoc. I’ve done that before. Walked out of a appointment and forgot to tell my pdoc all kinds of things. I’ve gotten a handle on this though. You may want to write down what you want to say before you see your pdoc. This helps a lot. I’m so sorry you’re feeling worse.

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I’m sorry you’re in such a bad way. There were times when I thought if my pdoc just observed my behavior for a little while he could tell a lot of what was wrong with me. I wasn’t really equipped to tell him what was bothering me. You need to assert yourself strongly and tell your pdoc what is going on with you. Summon all your verbal powers. You might need to go in for a hospitalization if you’re suicidal.

@Dante13, I think your doing a great job holding on. It’s not easy and sometimes my sneaky brian tries to tell me to let go to. Please don’t be disappointed with yourself, you are fighting hard… that might be why you are so tired.

It’s so maddening when we do what we can… we do what we’re told and the head circus plays on anyway.

It sounds like a lot of stuff is coming up for you… both past and present. Bad memories and new confusing feelings. I can understand the overwhelmed confusion.

I know it’s hard, and I know your trying to find the strength… but I do hope you can maybe hit copy/ print and give this to your Mom so she can make the appointment with you… give you some help to make that call… You’re not admitting defeat.

It’s HARD to say… Help me please.

My family has said they were never disappointed IN me when I relapsed recently. They do understand that this illness is a fight. They are sad for me sometimes that I still have to fight so hard, but as long as I keep fighting… they aren’t disappointed.

You’re Mom loves you and I know she’d want to help you.

There are times that I’ve copy/pasted stuff that I’ve written here and given it to my family because the way I’ve been able to discuss it here made more sense then if I tried to tell them from scratch what was going on.

I do hope you can tell your Mom that you need help, but could she give you hand in getting that help.

No easy task… but I am deeply rooting for you. I hope you feel better soon and can talk to your family and find your answers.


@Dante13 it is not too late. I would call up your doctors office and make an emergency appointment if you do not feel well.
You should not have to suffer like this. Dont be hard on yourself for not telling your doctor how you really feel. Next time write down notes and bring it to the next doctors appointment and read from the notes - being prepared is always a good idea

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Hi Dante~~~
I agree with J…maybe a lot of things are coming up for you now that need to be dealt with. It IS hard. I think the reason they are coming up is because you are ready to deal with them…and you can-with help.
I hope you get your mom to go with you. Maybe its not a med thing, you just need to talk to someone. please dont be so hard on yourself! Working things out can take some energy–be kind to yourself instead.
Wishing you peace…O

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Thank you everyone,

Sorry it’s taken so long to reply, I went deeper into the crisis, I also have had to accept there’s something physically wrong with me, I don’t know if anyone remembers but I went through bouts of falling and thought it was meds. Well I went to the doctor who tested reflexes; then referred me to nuerology. I had my appointment on Tuesday he did an examination mum says it’s obvious I’ve got something neuro going on, I’m having a full spinal MRI and am seeing the consultant next time.

It sort of hit me hard, I had to practically be dragged to the appointment thinking there was no point. But when I figured out that there is something going on I thought that was it, I am dead or dying.

Then we had a new boiler put in for the next few days where I hid in my room and slept, barely eating or drinking I was almost hostile to the boiler man; mum said it was hard, I was behaving just like the dog, I didn’t feel safe, my home; my refuge was invaded. He finished Friday, that night I slept until the early afternoon, yesterday me and mum watched a film and had wine which doesn’t take much I’ve been trying to get pissed since this dead thing, hoping I’d wake up feeling better. Well we had an in depth conversation and it meant a lot what she said, I won’t go into it as it’s very touchy with some people but it helped, her opinion of me is nothing I thought it was and it sort of helped me think "I’m going to fight this, it must be delusion, I’ll fight it for her and me"it was like a lightbulb moment. Just the realisation I needed.

I’m still dealing with mirrors, smells etc. but today I woke ready to face it. I’ve been avoiding memories, and it doesn’t take much to make me cry at the moment, for years, because of people’s reactions I told myself it wasn’t real, then I suppressed it. Now my unconscious is revealing those years I suppressed, it’s hurting and I’m feeling very exposed. There’s a trauma clinic in one of the towns nearby, mum mentioned going there. I’m looking into it. Otherwise this is just going to bubble and bubble, until it explodes.

I really appreciate the replies, it really does mean a lot, I felt so alone with this and it helps a heap that atleast people care and understand. So thank you!
Take care,


I am so glad you got a light bulb moment. They can be very empowering. I’m glad you woke ready to face this with knowing your Mom is on your side.

Be patient with yourself and I’d say, use the trauma clinic and avoid that huge bubble explosion. I’m really happy to see how much stronger you sound in this post. I know you most likely feel raw and ran over, but you sound like you have a plan.

I’m rooting for you.

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So glad you talked with your mom. You sound stronger already. You are never alone.

Thank you both,

I am stronger, got my fight back, it was a rather scary blip! I still struggling with the whole death thing all my senses are telling me I am, but I’m more accepting to feel my pulse and believe it! I am utterly exhausted though, these things wipe me out. I just keep thinking how close I got to doing something completely foolish and dangerous. I hate it when this happens. I don’t like this, how my brain fights itself, I’m sure many of you can understand that feeling. I’m trying to draw my experiences of it, it seem to be helping.

Thanks for the replies;
Take care,

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That is the best news. I’m sorry your still having this one hang on… but having your fight back and knowing your family is on your side is great for recharging the power supply.

Keep up the hard work… :thumbsup: