I had my appointment with nurse today, I’m coming away feeling worse coming from appointments than I was walking in.
He was very gentle with me with his words but I’m feeling so overwhelmed. He kept asking me what I thought would help and I know very well this was my chance to say “I want to see pdoc” but I didn’t, I thought if I did; this would be admitting defeat and I don’t need meds, it’s just their way of controlling me. That’s without thinking everyone would be disappointed. I went right back; I’m living in between different states of being; one minute I’m that scared and abused 15 year old who’s just starting to get psychotic, then angry psychotic, then present. I’m talking so quietly, fearful il’ll start shouting if I talk any louder. I’m not making much sense either.
I’m willing to accept that, I might not be dead I’m using it as protection to stop further memories surfacing and admitting that I’m feeling very low and suicidal, that I’m hating myself and I don’t want to accept those feelings. All my senses are telling me I’m dead but people around me are saying I’m not. I a very confused individual and I’m feeling rather angry at everything.
I just want this out of the way. I feel like if I let myself go right now I may not be coming back. So I’m holding myself together with all my might. I just wanted somebody to do the question for me “do you think you need med alterations, do you want to see your doctor?” I couldn’t make myself do it, despite it being on the tip of my tongue I thought I’d cry if I asked the question.
I don’t get it, why couldn’t I do something so simple, that might help? I’m feeling full of disappointment with myself, I thought I was beyond this now!
I just want to curl up or run away, can’t decide which. Probably curly up… I’m very tired.
Thank you for reading.