I want to get over my ex so bad. I’ve wrote about her before and I don’t want to repeat what I wrote I just need to write what’s on my mind. I have such a bad problem of looking at her facebook just to see her face again. She’s just so damn beautiful and unique. I can’t keep living in the past and believe me I’ve been moving on with life, she is just always in my head though. I’ve dated another girl for almost a year, but I didn’t feel any connection to her and I had to end it because I knew she loved me more then anything and if I stayed with her I’d only hurt her more and more. I cared about her don’t get me wrong it’s just I never connected with her. That was so far my only attempt at moving on, I’ve had a few crushes too. I also had a fling with a girl for a few months where we kissed a few times and cuddled a lot, I kicked her out of my life though cause she just complained at me and was always looking to start fights.
Me and my ex though never had fights and got along with everything and I just left when it got tough. I feel so much regret with leaving her. It’s like a feeling that won’t leave me alone. This is probably why I feel so bad is because I made a huge mistake and I know it. When I broke up with her I quickly realized and asked for her back a few hours after and she told me it was to late I already made my decision.
I realized after the fling and the relationship I had for a year that I truly don’t feel affection much anymore. It’s harder for me to be adventurous and thoughtful, where as in the past I would be so caring and do everything I could for the person. I don’t care about much anymore, which is bad cause I’m going into the care giving field. To be honest I guess I’m in that field just so I can feel like I am still that caring person that I used to be, even though I don’t feel like that anymore on the inside.
Well in short I just wish I could get over her, but inside I feel that will never happen because of the regret and anger I feel at myself 24/7. I did have one theory though why she didn’t really take me back and a part of me wishes it was true. She met a guy at her work and told me he was married and they became friends. I didn’t think of it because people are aloud to have friends. Well we continued our relationship and it was normal and happy. She started school and a lot of stress started to happen. A few days before we broke up I decided to give her a surprise to cheer her up. She had a favorite candy you could get at the grocery store and it was from Japan. So I picked that up and I put it in a tin with a picture of me, her, and her son together. When I went to her work to drop it off to her I found out that she had fainted and left work. She had a lot of health issues and of course I was worried cause she apparently felt fine and left to go home, but she never called and told me and it was hours since it had happened. So I called her and there was no answer for hours. Eventually she picked up 3-4 hours later and was annoyed I called so much. She informed me that she couldn’t make it home due to being light headed and the closest place to crash was her friends house, her friend also had a female roommate who was also her friend. Well a week went by and we broke up because I gave up on her. 2 months passed and it was December and I was in a store Christmas shopping and I saw her with the guy who was supposedly married and they were holding hands. A year went by and now it’s on facebook that they are dating. So a part of me feels that day she cheated on me with him. Another part of me tells me she was telling the truth about the event because she never was a liar. To be honest I wish she cheated on me and tells me because I’d rather hear that she never loved me in the end anyway. It would probably help me get over her although it would destroy me, even though I’m already deteriorating in the first place.