I wanted to commit suicide because I gave my parents a headache

Thoughts of a four year old. And of course, that just made matters worse because having a suicidal child is a headache, too.

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I’m sorry, @chordy, that you had such desperation as a small child. I didn’t want to kill myself until I was 15.
I wish you could’ve been happy. Every child deserves to be happy. :heartbeat:

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I had known I was a suicidal child but I did not particularly know why. That just came to me now. It was an unselfish reason which was a surprise to me.

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I don’t know if someone told you that you were a selfish child? Children must be “selfish”. It’s a natural survival technique, not a character flaw.
If you were suicidal as a small child, some adult(s) in your life must have been selfish and done or not done things that made you unhappy enough to already want to check out. That’s horrifying to me, as a mom, to think your parents maybe weren’t there for you like they should have been. ?

The story of my childhood is not a pretty one, Hedgehog. It includes there attempt to have me aborted (before it was legal) and them telling me so when I was a teen. I never was a part of the family. If there was a competition made for the children and I won, they would give the prize to another one. It was deliberate. They were cold people to me. In there defense, I was a very sick child and so there was little joy to caring for me.

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@chordy, it never ceases to surprise me how horrible some people are, and the most horrible are the ones who are abusive to children. I wish there was absolute healing from childhoods like yours, and I wish I could tell the child chordy how precious and worthwhile she is and that she would hold onto that… I hope the grownup chordy does know that she didn’t deserve any of the abuse, and that she should have been cherished. :heart:

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Thank you so much, Hedgehog. My present living situation is far from perfect but it is teaching me that there is such a thing as love in the world. Healing someone like me takes years. My provider truly knows the giving love is a one way street with us. We “suck” like infants. She seems to know it and doesn’t mind giving with no returns guaranteed. No returns other than seeing us get stronger. That’s the returns parents should feel isn’t it? I only felt unnoticed, forgotten by mine. A lot of the water is over the damn now. I see I can write about it.:slight_smile:

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