Im so depressed.
Im going downhill and i cant seem to be getting better. I am so sad and down. I got no one to talk to. My family dont accept what is happening in my life. I told my mom the reason that i havnt had a girlfriend in my entire life cause i think that men are going to come after me for having love. She cried so hard and i cant let her down anymore. I still live at home at 28 and have no friends. Ive also forgotten how to type and put a full stop at the end of every sentence for nno reason. My words have become stupid and i cant focus.
My pdoc is changing me to xeplion says its going to help more for the hallucinations. I cant trust anyone on earth not my sister not my father whos a idiot and left me or anyone i meet i push everyone away. Im so tired and wish i could be dead.Im so tired of hiding everything from everyone cause they going to realise who I am and judge me. Ive got a backup plan for everything, from talking in mics on online games to hide my craziness, to lying on the forum about going for a walk. Im a ■■■■■■■ mess, useless and over it. Im convinced that everyone here is out to get me, no matter how hard i try i always think theres an alteria motive.
I cant remember the last time i walked out of my house, im confined to 4 walls and that is that. I dont want to be a zombie, I hate meds but i know i need them. I cant focus anymore. Im just so tired of living each day. I hate sympathy cause i know its always a lie, humanss are all self centered including me. We all out to get each other and i honeslty cant sleep without sleeping pills. Im so scared im addicted to everything. Im too scared to put anything on medical aid so im spending all my money i earn on pdoc and meds. Im just scraping by. I lie to everyone why they ask me why i have no money.
I used to be confident and happy. I can never get back there. I know it. Im doing bodily harm to make me feel like im actually alive. I wish i could feel something or even sleep.
I dont know anymore. Im just looking at my keyboard, screen and think.
