I think people saw my potential and decided to embrace it if they understood it. Most people didn’t understand me at all. They just treated me bad. But there was a professor who said at my college, he had learned I was in a psych ward and stuff after my pdoc wrote him a letter and he said something in class like “if jon ends up being a famous poet”. And I thought it was an ok idea. Later in class weeks later he said “If jon ends up living on an island…” or something. Well I swear he said that but would never wanna live on an island. Would much rather live in the woods somewhere. But I felt a connection with this professor. Thought he was messing with me all these years or that I really thought I’d live on an island. But now I realize he was just hyping me up.
Other things too. But people have really swayed my beliefs about my self over the years. They have made me feel like the most shitty person in the world. They also make me feel like people have good intentions too. It’s hard to know what to believe with schizophrenia. I wonder if I should email that professor. Knowing how my life goes, he probably retired like 2 weeks ago…
But like what he said I thought about for years so it certainly did have a direct impact on me. There’s been a lot of weird things people say to you/happens when you’re psychotic. I tend to think it’s how you took it at the times you thought about it and how it affects you. Life is complex. There’s a lot of ins and outs. And you can choose to forget about what people say. But it will always be with you regardless.
Very close but I also remember I was standing outside the day he said I was gonna be a famous poet waiting for class to start a girl in my class I had never talked to before walked by and said “I hate that kid”. About me as she walked by. Always will remember the look on her face. When this teacher said this. It was weird people can be that shallow. But for some reason I’ve used both compliments and insults as motivation.
Let go of what?? I have dreams and ideas for myself it’s not too late. If I think they helped shape my path then I can still use it as a little bit of an influence. Just because it doesn’t bother me anymore. Doesn’t mean I don’t wanna help other ppl. Facing similar things.
I think if the things you were remembering were still bothering you or dragging you down it would be a problem. But if you’re using them to motivate you to move forward that can be a good thing.
I dunno honestly just wanna live one day at a time but like I just have been doing real well lately. I may be 28 but I’m a young and spry 28 ;). I have a lot of years ahead of me. Pretty much been stuck in schizophrenia all these years. I mean like I had a friend who died and I was in rehab with him and I said I wanted to kill myself he said “if you stay alive, eventually you will reach your potential. But you can’t kill yourself!” And then he passed away of a heroin overdose less than a year later. But he put the idea in my head that one day I will be able to be smart if I stay alive and I wanna dedicate some of my life to him. Help others. I know a lot about a lot of stuff whether it’s writing or rapping I believe I have a lot to share. Maybe my perspective is tooo big sometimes. I set the bar to high. But no such thing. I can’t be let down. Life is too great already.
