I used to be VERY crazy

Just thought I’d even if just for my own sake talk here about exactly how crazy I used to be. To put things in perspective as to a little of what I went through and where I am now. Nowadays I don’t experience hallucinations nor delusions, not since my three week stretch a few months ago. My motivation isn’t what it could be, I’m finding myself over focusing on distractions in an all or nothing way and my social anxiety is attempting a coup d’état but as far as my Sz things are stable.

I just figured I’d try and list some of my false beliefs I held during the time that I was VERY crazy…

I thought I was transmitting and receiving thoughts
I thought my family was conspiring against me by lying to me about my imagined past
I thought we were in the midst of some sort of cynical sexual revolution that was sweeping the globe
I thought I had hopped a freighter to Libya at age 13 where I met Ghaddafi
I thought I had spent my fourteenth birthday flying fighter jets while on tour with an aspiring indie rock musician
I thought I had been given a frontal lobe lobotomy
I thought I had been forced to inhale on numerous occasions an imaginary chemical that left me passive
I thought my psychiatrist had joined a gang of sadists and tried to force me into prostitution
I thought I was possessed by the spirit of a girl named Brichel who had committed suicide in the house I grew up in.
I thought that Dan Brown, author of the Da Vinci Code had his eye on me with the intent to make me the next messiah
I thought I was being haunted by a girl and her Nazi war criminal grandfather who would circle my house at night
I thought the musician Andrew Bird had written all his songs about me
I thought I had lived a forgotten life as someone named Alexander Struck by Lightning
I thought I had been tortured by the US government
I thought I had met Satan on numerous occasions
I thought…well I think you get the picture. I could probably go on for hours here.

I used to be very crazy. I don’t believe any of this stuff anymore. Even at the time no one but my family or those I was otherwise living with knew I was VERY crazy as I was aware enough the entire time to be fully able to act sane and normal. But appearances aside I was a freaking lunatic. I was suffering big time…I was experiencing the entire time what appeared for all the world to be telepathy…it was a living hell I never wish to go back to.

But just thought I’d give some perspective to exactly how crazy I was compared to where I am in this moment in current time.

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Was going to make a cheeky comment of “is that all?” but I’m sure there is a lot more that you have forgotten as well.

not forgotten but there is just so damn much of it and most of it i’m not comfortable sharing…that was just a little sample.

i believed the telepathy thing too. glad your better

Interesting. It’s interesting how varied and the very volume of your delusions. I have them too. But I’m glad you recognize them for what they are and can share them as old war stories.

@Dreamscape-
I mean I guess you’d have to imagine vividly remembering the feeling of someone sticking a fancy icepick into your eye socket and swishing your brain matter around…these were very vivid memories…or having been raped by some sort of man child in the basement of some twisted mental hospital while a couple of orderlies stood by and laughed about it…

Yeah I could come up with a list of crazy ■■■■ I used to think too. I still get some interference sometimes but im like 95% recovered from the complete madness I used to experience. I am amazed that I functioned whenever I look back on it. So many good things have happened before and after my couple of years in hell, but that doesnt mean those two years never happened. Im getting over it, thats what my doctors say. I was seriously off my rocker, my main problem was Truman’s Syndrome, which is a fairly common delusion actually. My mind made it come to life with hallucinations, so I kept believing in it. My case was bad.

I just didnt come off as insane, I had composure, I came off as deeply disturbed, but not insane- until I started talking. I spoke about conspiracy theories and it was ugly. My (at the time) team of doctors all saw a really gritty and hard boiled 19 year old who was very highly functioning but very insane, they sort of didn’t know what to do with me- whether to dope me up and make me quit functioning or to just let me function but be insane- they tried the least dopey medications and struck gold with Geodon. It does make me require caffeine every few hours to stay productive and epic amounts of caffeine to workout, but my bodybuilder friends take as much preworkout as I do. One of my best friends is bigger than me but not all cut up and ripped like I am, he takes two and a half scoops of C4 just like I do. He has genetics on his side, he is naturally built without lifting and makes progress at a shocking rate after just a month back in the gym. He looks like an NFL football player while I look like a UFC fighter. We go to bars and pubs and enjoy being the most badass people there, LOL

But in all seriousness, ■■■■ the past. I just had a good honest day studying and going to class, talked to the guy I am dating (guess he is a boyfriend now? Just not officially? We did agree to not date anyone else, I told some old gay friends who hit me up that I was taken) for an hour, ate dinner and just popped my nighttime Geodon before sitting down here. Another normal healthy day with only a few symptoms, like thinking my professor was talking about me while I had been distracted by my phone and thinking that someone was listening to me in the car for just a second. I am used to these sorts of things crossing my mind, as long as they cross my mind and arent there to stay, its fine. I used to experience delusions and hallucinations 24/7 and drank myself to sleep.

It’s good to be able to look back but I do my best to keep focused on the present, enjoy it, and to do well now so that my future is brighter than today. So far that formula has been working. That and I take my meds exactly how I was told to.

You would never guess that I have paranoid schizophrenia if you met me today. I am the muscular, clean cut looking guy in the class who speaks up with confidence and has a sense of humor. I am relatively popular actually, I have a fair number of friends and make friends easily. For example, the guy I am dating spent two nights with me this past weekend and has no clue about my schizophrenia. I did take a nap saturday afternoon but we had been up late the night before. Other than that I didnt do anything abnormal, if taking a nap after a late night is even abnormal.

My problem is with the label and stigma. I hate looking at the printout my psychiatrist gave me for school in case I do something wrong or have an episode, it says "problems: PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC, TREMORS and then lists all of the meds I am on. ■■■■ that. I am so many things other than a paranoid schizophrenic.

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ive been crazy a few times lol,

twice was intertwined with religious ideas.

  1. thought god would take over my body and i was just a vessel
    thought god planned to give me millions of dollars from 1 slot machine in a casino that i was led to
    ‘god’ told me to switch my bank accounts to a different bank of his choice and deposit 777 dollars as a sign. and to withdraw 777 dollars at the old bank before closing it.
    thought god controlled the gas pedal and brakes on my truck for me
    thought god would increase his power in me through electric voltage transference and I would feel it pulsing through my body.
    thought people would die if they went into a certain room and would throw a tantrum if someone tried to go in it.
    when people were crying i thought god was healing them and i would be smiling saying its ok hes healing you…

thought demons were in me and would cause me to seizure and uncontrollably shake
thought i had to puke demons up to get rid of them . thought when i puked that those were the remains of the demon

thought the rainbows and swirly lights were signs from god

  1. went on a 2 month trip to thailand , went off my medication again…

thought aliens were teaching me about quantum physics and quantum mechanics
heard from einstein explaining to me how all the various particles of the universe work together
ironically during this time I had pure hyper focus , i played a game of billiard pool and i racked the whole table one night and i never have done that.

theres waaay to much more but thats all i can think of right now,

thank goodness i am recovering now and staying focused on getting healthy

I thought I could “sense” extraterrestrial life if I tried. Like my mind could put out ‘feelers’ that extended out forever out into the universe that could detect alien life. I also thought that people in jet liners overhead could see me on the ground. For about two weeks when I first got sick I had such a violent feeling in my head that I would spend hours restraining myself from killing someone. I was unmedicated and the feelings went away. The ONLY time I got violent in my disease is when I was in “the home” (again unMedicated) and I felt everyone was infringing on my space.I swore to myself that the next person who came into my personal space I was going to go off on him. ANYONE. Just like clockwork in an hour a guy stood above when I was sitting on the back porch eating a bowl of cereal and milk and minding my own business. He spit near me so I jumped up and threw the ceramic bowl of cereal at him. It barely missed hitting him in the face. I threw it so hard that the bowl landed on the second story landing and cereal and milk splattered up there too. We stood there looking at each other and I felt bad because this guy was seriously withdrawn. I was sick too.

most of my delusions have been lead by voices…without the voices there are none. now i’m more experienced, i’ve learned to not pay them any heed.

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totally agree with that,

guess they dont teach us those lessons in school hey :wink:

When I was 10 and God spoke to me that one time and told me he was sending someone down from heaven to look after me and be my Sis, I thought that was perfectly normal.

When I was sure I could predict the future, I had proof… because I KNEW the baby on the way was a girl no matter how many doctors told my Mom it was another boy. (then my sis was born) So I was able to predict the future. I was getting pretty good at it. Or at least, I was saying things that were vague enough that when things happened, I was sure I predicted it.

Also, kidnappers do exist in the world and children do get kidnapped, so that was perfectly logical. But then I started teaching my younger siblings how not to be kidnapped and that is when people started becoming concerned.

I hate to say this, but I used to take my medical advice from my kid sis. I was reading one of my old journals about when the voices started becoming louder and my 4 year old kid sis came up with the theory of Sonic hearing. Which made perfect sense. So I was sure that I now had sonic hearing… the 4 year old made perfect sense.

I never felt like it was my beliefs that were off, it was the other stuff… the hyper breaks that made me pace for hours no matter how much I wanted to sit down. The fact that if I found a small box and didn’t open it, I would obsess about it for hours. I would even have to walk back to the shop where the small box was and open it.

I never felt crazy until I’d hit negative swing where my mind was shutting down. The world outside my head seemed like something I’d catch a glimpse of now and then, but it didn’t seem like something I could be apart of. When it would lift and I’d feel like I was resurfacing, then I’d feel like I’d just been through the ringer. That I was when I was getting a hint that I wasn’t quiet as healthy as other people.

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**All of you guys are brave beyond belief!
You have gone through so much and faced down so many obstacles.
From what I have read on this site-you are very loving, bright, beautiful individuals. I think of the battles my son has fought and read of your battles.
This is a tough disease-but you guys are still fighting and living your lives. Dont ever think you havent touched other lives in positive ways.
Much love
**

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you should read someof my diaries from when I was in my 20s talk about unstable I was a wreck.