I tried to transition *warning suicide*

DX'd - Other
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Which means leave this physical shell, I went for my wrists, I failed, obviously, didn’t d any serious harm, but if my mum hasn’t gotten worried and rang me multiple times after me not answering the phone I finally caved and rang her. We went to our local hospital where they cleaned me up. I think if mum hadn’t done that I wouldn’t be here, I had intention of hitting goal, then going to the field with my favourite tree, sitting, waiting. I wrote my letters, It feels surreal t be alive right now. I hid them before mum got home. The hospital will let my nurse know, but I think we’ll be ringing them. My doctor should know, I feel at serious risk, today I basically got up, was harassed by voices and hour later I was at it. It was pure impulse, I feel sad because the scars on my arm was fading now ill have new ones, but really, I couldn’t care less. The voices everyone on this planet, even atoms want me dead, I heard my mums thought last night she wants me put out of my misery. I was up most of the night on caffeine thinking I’d get killed but really I knew what I had to do.

My fear kicked in on the way to the hospital voices started up, they were quiet when I was at it, I just zoned out, I didn’t talk until just now, I don’t think I’ll be up to talking for a while. Despite my shock, I can’t help but think what the next step is. My mind is a constant computer of how I’ll escape this poisonous shell. For weeks I’ve had a constant bombardment from everyone to kill myself. My voices are at it and I’m getting thoughts from everyone else. I just can’t see anything but this horror that I’m in. I’ve left college and deferred my degree, my chlorpromazine was increased to max dose I haven’t noticed much benefit other than be able to sit at home without much fear, but today, maybe I don feel as safe as I’d thought. I’m exhausted. I can’t trust anything. I just know that I seem to be getting worse, I haven’t attempted suicide since I was in hospital, and I’m scared, with these thoughts when I’m trying to sleep or just sit that I’ll try again. I want to die because I’ll be where I belong, I just wanted to make everything better mums been so stressed and miserable, I’m to blame, I just want to make things better. But on the other hand she may follow me, I could cope being a murderer taking two members from my family. I’m a horrible human being but at the same time I know I can be more useful to the world, and my family if I transition. I know I’m terrible really, I’m constantly fighting, today I’m hoping was the eruption.

I just need some advice, kind words, some understanding. I don’t know what to do, I feel like my death is inevitable right now if I go on like this! I don’t know why my meds aren’t working, is it possible for a med to lose effectivity? Sorry, I’ll stop rambling. I’ll appreciate any support right now, I feel like everything is slipping away. I don’t expect answers to my problems just some people who I don’t feel want me dead, I’m calling to the universe in a way.

All my best,
Meg.

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I’m here… I don’t want you dead. I’m soo sorry you had to face this edge… So grateful you called your Mom.

I hope you can keep fighting and stay alive.

I am sending all the best wishes and good vibes I can. I wish I had answers to help you feel better. But all I can do is say… many people would miss you.

I’m glad your alive.

I guess the only advice I have is… try to reach that belief that you Mom doesn’t want you gone. Please don’t believe the mind reading. It’s part of this head circus.

I know waking up from a serious attempt is very disorienting. A lot of things change quickly… It’s very emotional as well. To be waking up and realizing that we’re still here…

Please let your family take care of you… believe their love…

It took a while… but when I woke up from my attempts and came to full realization that I was still here… It took a lot of work to accept that this is where I’m supposed to be… here.

I’m glad your here with us.

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When I go through crises, it is very easy for me to spiral downward.

I have to anchor to something, even if temporarily at times.

I read your post and I want to provide absolute answers. For me that was to anchor to something so I would not beat myself into a disfigured pulp.

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You sound like your in a similar place to where I was for the first couple years of psychosis. Trust me no one wants you dead and no one is telepathic…

Those long nights alone being over caffeinated are something to try and avoid.

Hopefully you can pull yourself out of this Meg. You are a wonderful person.

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Wanted to add briefly what I mean by anchor, as I did not communicate that very well.

When I am suicidal, which can nag over time or be brief, I have had to build a safe place for me to go to to turn against my own suicidal self. Once I made my safe places, I was a drill sergeant to myself to use them 100 percent. Whenever I nagged myself about suicide, I pulled myself out of the trap and went to my safe places, until I stopped nagging myself about suicide.

Safe places included blogs written by individuals who warm me up, books, places and once I was part of a group of people whereby I felt really, really safe. Never told them about my life but did join them in a common interest.

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I talked to my mom about killing myself and she said “do it.”

You are lucky you can talk with your mom, mines a psycho and she is evil.

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I don’t think it is healthy for you to obsess on suicide. Try to distract yourself. Watch TV. Read a book. Above all, find a way to socialize. Whether you realize it or not, there are a lot of people who would be hurt if you committed suicide. I’m sure you have a lot to offer the world. My brother told me about this guy who tried to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. My brother said that as soon as he cleared the rail he realized he could solve all the problems in his life, except for the one he had just created for himself by jumping off the bridge. The people on this site care about you and we don’t want to see you dead.

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Thank you everyone, I’m touched! I’m feeling very confused at the moment but I’m going to be honest with them in my team, I want the thoughts to stop, and I’m trying not to believe, but it’s so consistent. it’s going to be hard admitting I’m suicidal with intrusive thoughts about how I will do it. I promised mum I won’t die, I know she’ll follow it’s one thing to take your own life, but it’s another to take someone else’s. So I need to be honest, not for my life, but for hers. I don’t know why my meds aren’t working.

@SurprisedJ your words mean a lot, you know what to say, and @SoItGoes thank you for saying that, I can’t say how much it means right now, I’m in shell shock p, but thank you. @nykia I like the idea of anchoring! I will work on it. @pansdisease I’m sorry your mum said that, I don’t have words to comfort such pain, but know many others care about you, like on here! And @crimby I’m aware now that it’s not healthy, I’m going to be honest with my nurse when I next see him, hopefully he’ll talk to my doctor. Wow, about the man who jumped that’s an eye opener, I appreciate you telling me that.

I’m doing my best, I’m trying to fight, and I will continue fighting the thoughts.

Thank you, for fighting with me and believing in me.
Take care,
Meg.

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I’m glad your still here and opening up to get some help from and with your family.

I’m rooting for you. I hope you keep in touch.

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hi im sorry your in such pain! the agony you must be in please be kind to yourself and gt some helpxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxit will go away again the feelings hugsx

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Thank you both, I’m confused, things to others look like they’re evening out but I can only feel the darkness. The hate in my voices and from those around me, Im going on crutches Friday, due to tendinitis in my hip I’m dreading it, being alone and not able to move much, I’m going to be trapped. I’m trying my best to plan a future I don’t want. By planning to read a prep book for the next degree module I’m planning on doing in October as I have to register soon, to see if it suits me. I’m also going to register on a little module to start in a month about astronomy I love the stars, my degree is distance learning so it’ll just be me, one book and an assignment. I thought the physics of darkness will help me in a way, as its alive in me and my fear of it is great. Maybe learning more behind it will be a good evidence against?

So I’m hoping things even out if I keep planning my future, it will become better, it’s a slog, I dread my day from the minute I wake up until sleep takes it away. I keep saying its depression, but I’m exhausted from fighting I don’t care about labels, all I know is I wish I could just sleep. I’m putting on a brave face and mum thinks I’ve hit my crisis, I thought it was, but it goes on, and they’re shouting at me for being a failure. It’s atoms, Aristotle, my usual voices, people who have heard my thoughts. I just don’t get it!

I’m trying my best, and will continue, I really appreciate your replies to the core @SurprisedJ and @dandydinmot you’re so kind helping me out.

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you are very far from a failure, the depression your dealing with is crippling by the sound of it. be kind to yourself n your head we are too critical of ourselves think of little things that will give you a boost while you re coperatnig with your hip films you’ve wanted to see food/sweets you want to eat anything that lifts you.
tc of yourself.

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I’m so sorry to hear that your in physical pain as well. I wish you could have a friend or your Mom go with you. You have every right to ask for help… being on crutches makes it very hard to get around.

I do hope things start getting better for you.