Hi I’m not good with doing these types of things so anyways I don’t know if I’m doing this right. I prefer not to say my name but I am 13 years old and ever since I was a kid I have always been weird and thought weird, but until last year I realised that I think something is wrong with me. I was a Christian my whole life but last year I realised that God isn’t real and I started feeling weird and very confused about everything. Then I started a theory in my head that I’m different from everyone else and everything is not real in a way. I always feel like someone can hear what I’m saying in my head and it scares me and I feel like someone or something really can. Once I really felt like me and a teacher had a connection mentally and he could hear my thoughts (this was in middle school) I would try talking to him through my head and ask him to give me signs that he could hear me and this went on the whole year. I get paranoid a lot that someone is always watching me and I act like I’m literally acting (sorry I’m terrible at explaining things). Whenever I’m in school I look at people and study them and I feel like they are all programmed and I’m the only one that isnt. Ever since last year I have begun hating everyone and everything but not that serious because I still enjoy movies and music. Sometimes I freak out when I think of humans and what’s inside of us and our brains and hearts and eyes especially. There is always a voice in my head that I can’t control sometimes and it tells me things like if I turn on my phone or little things like that, or certain movements I’ll get a hint of something and what this world is. I have been taking a nap daily for about 2 hours a day and I have been very depressed and getting suicidal thoughts very often or just really wanting to die. I feel like a completely different person inside of my head then I am on the outside and I always feel like I’m acting. Im always looking at myself in the mirror mainly at my eyes and inside my throat and it really makes me feel scared and freaked out/paranoid. I remember the first time I got freaked out like this, it was when I was around 7 maybe or 8 and I remember I was at the store and I looked around at everyone and realized that everyone is a skeleton on the inside and that really made me feel weird looking at everyone and seeing how strange humans are. Im always just coming up with theories in my head and I feel like I’m different from anyone else. I like being depressed because it makes me see things differently. I get a weird feeling when there is chaos or drama like when my parents fought or when there’s a lock down at school like I justt want something really bad to happen or someone to die and I have thought like this since I was a child. I get emotions that I can’t even explain to myself. These days I just really want to die or just don’t fear death anymore. Right now even writing this I feel like it’s a test and I’m in a virtual world with people watching me. I’m really not good at explaining things and this might have sounded very dumb compared to other people’s story’s and I’m sorry but I juse really feel so different and strange. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or if there is something wrong with me but I juse know something is different and I have been wanting to let this out to someone real bad. I don’t have issues with my family that much. (And to be honest for a long time the voice in my head told me I’m not supposed to let this out or I won’t ever know the theory of everything but I’m trying to ignore it)
If you are having problems talking to your parents or find they’re just not listening most schools have a school counsellor. Which is free to see. It would most likely be the best place to start. They could act as a mediator to your parents if need be. Other options are speak to your local priest or family doctor to do the same.
I recommend you try to get your parents to take you to an early psychosis treatment center - have them call them on Monday and find out the closest one to where you live:
this is a safe place to be…i find this forum very helpful.
sorry you are finding things tough at the moment…
it is best you talk to your parents about your concerns…SoitGoes…Dreamscape…and SzAdmin are right.
know someone cares
take care
What you describe isn’t too different from how I felt at 15. Part of it is adolescence. Those are pretty desperate times for a lot of us. I’d sit in class so scared that I thought something had to break inside me. It’s good that you’re talking about it and not trying to hold it in. Try to find a school counselor who you can talk to and who can help you decide what kind of treatment you need. You’re always welcome on this site.
I have a weird relationship with my mom and I feel like if I told her she wouldn’t take it seriously because I act normal with her and she wouldn’t believe me although she is worried about me not making friends and when I say that I don’t want to because I don’t like anyone “and they’re all the same” she gets mad at me
Hey there, welcome to the forums. My own daughter turned 14 yesterday so I understand what it feels like to be the parent of a teen in your age group. I can tell you for a fact that I would take it VERY seriously if my daughter described to me the symptoms you have, and I would have her in a doctor’s office immediately. If this is SZ or some other early onset psychosis, the earlier you start treatment, the better the outcome.
Please don’t be worried that your parents will blame you – very unlikely that they will. They will probably be happy that you trusted them enough to share something so personal and, well, embarrassing. Excellent advice from @SzAdmin on what to do.
Really hoping you will talk to your parents about this. They love you and want the best for you. I am sure you will get the support you need if you can just get up the bit of courage required to ask for it.
All the best.
Pixel.
Volunteer moderator
(Have had SZ for over 20 years and am doing fine.)
Thanks I guess I should try telling her then and see how it goes, it’s just that my mom is different from most mom’s she doesn’t usually react normally. I can’t really explain it she is just very unpredictable
You’ve just described Mrs. Pixel (my wife)!!! I watched my wife go through a hideously uncomfortable pregnancy. I’ve seen her love for our daughter all these years. Sure, The Princess can make my wife crazy, but the love is always there. Pretty sure your situation isn’t that much different. Very few forces in the universe as strong as a Mom’s love for her kid.
It may not be anything serious at all and getting in to have it checked out will set your mind at ease and relieve you of a huge stress burden. If it is SZ (worst case), getting a head start on treatment will most likely help you avoid the worst of the condition. We’re seeing a lot of research showing that early intervention equals much better long-term outcomes.
Please feel free to let us know how it’s going for you.
