Maybe its a paranoid post, but I already said that I am alone tonight again … I just watch one tv reality show. Theres one guy there who makes problemst to everybody and everybody is against him. One other guy said that hell land up in the psychiatry, cause he’s mean.
I still cant get over my shame, my guilt. They are pathological. My schziophrenical introvercy I guess. Its very painful to feel as a bad person like this.
Well, I had this moment in the past, where I became verbally aggressive to some people, even to strangers. I know now its not the right way. But I am tired to ruminate here like this. will this stop? There’s some progress in the day for me, but will I be able to overcome 17 years of isolation???
Idk, but I find my country very closed on the different people. And it just sux, that my progress is so slow. I want to change, but my head is burning from thinking every night, yeah.
I just want to feel less alone here. Please don’t judge me bad, that I always complain. But I am fed up to isolate like this.
Who else feels alone tonight? I am tired to vent too, maybe its a progress too lol . But I am tired to feel always fear or numbness. Plus I am ill since kid, so I am really tired yes. My wish is to feel better, that’s all.
you know what? I ruminate so hard in the evenings, that my ears start to ‘‘burn’’ in a way. They get really red. It feels like pressure, too much thinking I guess. Painful thing…
I am alone tonight too. But I don’t feel very lonely. They say you first need to get confortable with your own person, before you can be comfortable with other people around.
I feel lonely too at times… I have one best friend who has left college and is doing computer science with no time for me but I’m delighted he is doing well and then my family who I feel I can’t connect with.
I often meditate on these feelings and realize it doesn’t feel that bad… it could be worse, right? But I’ve been down the path where TV and internet just become boring which I personally feel is the hardest part…
I think, by reading your post, you beat yourself up too hard though. You had this moment in the past where you became verbally aggressive? So what, I bet s/he was a complete douche and deserved it, if you get me lol… sometimes people are just plain rude and deserve a bit of talking too!
I think that is every country too… I have a very opinionated belief on our ‘illness’ if you’ve read my other comments (I tend to go on) and think that other people can’t just accept what it’s like to be open minded!
I wouldn’t worry about other people judging you too… everybody has problems! Try not to judge yourself… let your thoughts flow with a non judgemental approach, that has helped me anyway!
My recent life is better, thank God. I work part time, I take dance classes, I feel ok usually. I am not 100% healthy but my medicine helps too. I have some depressed moments but overall it’s ok.
But @BruceWayne, can you believe that I spent 17 years in almost isolation? My best ill friend told me she would have killed herself in my place… and I have nobody else a part her now. I wont look anymore to other friends, till my social skills are not better ones.
I want to feel fine. But we agreed with my doc, that in my case, it will take a lot of time. Ive spent too many time in despair. Almost two decades and now I am like an animal.
Great Andrey! I am happy for you. You were looking fine physically and now youll be even better. Me, I am far from taking care of my physical shape now. My walks now are 5 minutes ones around my building.
My physical shape is not great. I am a bit overweight and I get tired easily. I smoke too.
But I think mental health is more important now. Maybe next year I will exercise more…
That sounds devastating Anna and I won’t ask you how it happened here on the forums as it seems personal but I’m curious at the same time! I would do my best to give you what advice I can, if I knew what happened to you. I will take a shoot in the dark and ask you if it was pure isolation because of your illness?
Why I am the only one who did this???
yes, it was my illness. I was feeling just pain in my soul and in emotions since kid. I grew with the feeling that I was fighting, but till my twenties I gave up fighting and closed myself with weed in front of the tv for 6 years. After that, for some 10 years, they tried all the possible aps on me. I stopped switching meds since a year now. Maybe I look as ■■■■ now with all my isolation and passivity. I was getting dumb in my brain too since kid for lots of things. It was always efforts, so I closed myself. You are shocked by 17 years of isolation? But me, I never had voices or hallucinations.
It’s funny how you said as a kid as I also felt the same way, somehow different from everyone else.
I’ve always felt sensitive to things when I was only in school but could never put my finger on it… I knew it was different though, that is for sure!
My first episode was 6 years ago when I started to smoke weed as you mentioned but I freaked out… lost control and was put against my will in a hospital… Funny enough, I always refused medication when I finally got out despite still hearing voices and hallucinations…
I studied de-attachement like it was my salvation through the hard times of my delusions and although it took a few years, I feel at peace even with voices in my head… I just deem them as nothing now, why change what you can’t?
The reason why I’m mentioning this though is that, I feel as though I could live my whole life isolated and alone, feeling free from suffering (in a way) but I’m aware how it is effecting my family and friends… am I selfish or are they?
So it is interesting reading your post in some ways… how it effects people in different ways…
Thanks for sharing that with me Anna, it really expanded how I view things in alot of ways!
I was also somatizing a lot since kid. Idk what I have really. I went through all the possible diagnostics.
But how i’ll swallow my lost years, bruce? I don’t know any other schizophrenic who become such a prisoner…
I told you, I look as ■■■■ now and my family says to me that ill never have friends or a family of my own.
sorry to talk about myself, but I hate my current situation. And I wont try any other meds, no. Ive did it enough. Having it since kid is probably worse.
I read a great topic not to long ago… it was about a boy being sent to hospital at the age of 15 but his parents were mad into reiki healing! They questioned the doctor wondering if there son was just gifted and that the hospital was just bringing him down… funny enough it ended with the parents winning over religious rights!
I am lucky to have a great family… my parents are alcholics but they are understanding… I have no idea what it would be like to hear that I’ll never have family or friends from my own family…
But who are they to judge, right? Perhaps they should judge there own life… why haven’t you made more friends than what you have… as an example… it’s meaningless… only you have the power to judge your own life and feelings!
I have mentioned this in a past post (and probably more to come) but try focus on the bad feelings while letting go of the story teller in your head… u no just how it feels… I bet it doesn’t feel as bad as your mind tells you right? You are you, not your mind… that is what is beautiful!
I’ll add to this too… why do you feel the need to approve yourself to others? Are you not free from the suffering of desire? People are quick to judge but they don’t look at themselves… driving there cars, same thing everyday but never questioning is that all they have in life? Maybe we on the forums have expanded from this lifestyle? We have learned to live without material need? Sounds good to me! just my 2 cents!
why I have those parents? Why only me on the whole forum hear words like this? Any idea bruce??? I don’t understand. But yes, my family say things like this to me. They say ill have no family, not even friends, not a job…
now I feel as the worst case ever…Idk why I am like this. I really feel as ■■■■…I am very sad now… No one can understand my 17 years of isolation, while ill try to accept it…
While working for a corporation my boss strategically used the word “troubling” in my ear shot. I think he was talking about me but perception isn’t my strong suit.
But I hear you, I get colored as “bad news” I think although no one says it to me, that would be feedback and at least then I could form a response. People can be cruel but you’re not alone there. (I’ve been pretty isolated for 9 years).
… I just watch one tv reality show. Theres one guy there who makes problemst to everybody and everybody is against him. One other guy said that hell land up in the psychiatry, cause he’s mean.
. But I am tired to feel always fear or numbness. Plus I am ill since kid, so I am really tired yes. My wish is to feel better, that’s all.
Try not to judge yourself… let your thoughts flow with a non judgemental approach, that has helped me anyway!
