i dont know how my parents didn’t see my problems since i was child. i was really unhappy… how did they didn’t asked themselves some questions about me for god sake? i suffered so much in this family… my sister was always the smarter one. now i have the paranoia that i am dumb… plus ugly cause this illness made me ugly… with what was my mother preoccupied? saving herself because my father was beating her? and my father… he assaulted sexually my sister once even… for god sake… maybe i really went through some real deep ■■■■ to be like this now. i was an animal once while unmedicated. and now, i have to stuck with the horrible side effects of my Zyprexa… i was going deep and deep in the coldness towards the people and the world and my father was just sitting here and asking my mother why…is it so far away from the mind that there is a psycho problem and that i suffer? i am like a baby in the relationships with the people, i am so dumb… honestly… ive lost 20 years with a killing unhappiness… and maybe, ill have damages forever but ill struggle to go above all this ■■■■… but i am scared of my cognitive problems… i am not sure that i can cure my dumbness…and yes, i am jealous of my ill friends who go out there and have more than i have. i have nothing, really… just my mother now who is probably feeling guilty…
ok, stupid post of mine. i am ashamed. but yes, i regret my lost years…