That is, before the illness. I have a lot of dreams of my classmates. I’m 24 and since I’ve been completely asocial for 7 years, my old peers are the only people that exist for me, if that makes sense.
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I have a lot of residual feelings for my high school classmates, as well, even though I’m 31.
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I am 31. I dont reminisce at all.
I feel my best years will come in the future.
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I’m 62, and sometimes I travel back in time to my childhood. What I remember about it is that I felt relaxed. I didn’t feel so much damnable tension around people.
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Jan 15 1965. My 8th birthday. Saw Mary Poppins at the Leicester square Odeon followed by a birthday celebration at a Lyons corner house.It was a halcyon day before the storms gathered. I may have been odd, but if so other children had not reacted as though I was. 5 days later I started boarding school.The place where sons of diplomats go at the age of 8 or less. I was totally unsuited for it. I was faced with something I struggled to cope with. Not overtly traumatic ,but traumatic nonetheless. It manifested in bed-wetting. The differences between the other boys and me became glaringly apparent on going to public school. Like a lot of my generation found decades later to be autistic I was subjected to severe bullying. In my case it was verbal. The result was increasingly poor mental health resulting in an overdose at the end of my penultimate term there.
I went back for what should have been my A level term so as not to disappointment my father. I lasted a week before saying I couldn’t cope. After a few days in the school sanatorium I was admitted to Severalls psychiatric hospital.
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This was an important time for me also.
When I was 17 I had my first episode, and I was sent to a young offenders institute at the height of my illness.
I was put on a mental health unit in Felpham London, and its was highly traumatic for me as it was tough
They released me after a month on appeal, but I had lost all my druggie friends as part of the 12 month rehab program I was put on
I was heavily involved in drugs from the age of 11, as there were a lot of gang members around my high school I got transferred to, because my middle school could no longer tolerate my disruptive behaviour
Was considered a gifted troublemaker, but unfortunately they did nothing to protect me from bad influence, or harness my abilities in Maths and Science, so I lost the edge on that even though I was a few years ahead at one point
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Psychosis and depression started setting in for me when I was 15. I don’t think much about the pre-psychosis me anymore, considering it’s been so long (I’m 41 now) and I’m not even the same person I was back then.
I’ve looked up people from undergrad and from med school on FB, from my manic days, but no one from that part of my past wants to talk to me, apparently.
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My under 17 years old years were really awful. I don’t want to go back at all.
I hope you reach out and start making new friends
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