Super irresponsible and I swear on my life I didn’t notice until today. A part of me made the decision and I just realized today. I feel manic. I didn’t sleep last night at all! And I’ve been cleaning and taking two days straight. I just need someone to tell me that mania only feels good for a couple days before it’s awful and I should take it again. I really think I won’t. I’m scared I’m making bad decisions but I don’t feel like I have control. I understand this is a forum for all schizophrenia but sometimes I really wish I knew more Sza on here to relate to. My moods are like no other I can’t explain it. My thinking right now is scary. I’m drinking s lot of alcohol and hiding it in a coffee mug again why am I doing this I just wanted to be normal. Or typical. Or neutral. Stable. Anything.
I don’t even want to honestly. I hate it. I hate taking meds. I hate being flat. I hate sleeping all day. I hate hearing voices. I hate that my moods are so ■■■■■■. I hate being called crazy. I hate even worse being told I’m pretending. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to die. I just want to no longer be me. I never used to be this way. I was functional. I was a functioning bipolar. Now I’m just broken and…I’m rambling and I’m sorry. I just don’t have anywhere to vent. I’m trying to be sane today. But I can tell it’s not working.
Why can’t I do it. I just don’t want to. I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to get worse. What if I don’t even have schizophrenia. What if my mother is right and I’m pretending. And the meds are bad for me and I just need to stop lying to myself.maybe I’m faking this. I can’t even tell anymore what’s real.
I seriously feel so ■■■■■■ up right now I can’t think straight. I’m not pretending. I swear I’m not. They’re real. My son is real and the bugs feel real. They really are not something I’m faking. But maybe they are. I’m just rambling. I shouldn’t even be online. If I was actually sick I would t be able to write all of this so clearly. I must be lying.
Did you get the bug sensation after stopping Latuda?
Your mom saying that you’re pretending seems to have affected you deeply. She doesn’t know how mental illness feels, so she can’t make remarks like that with authority.
Maybe go back on Latuda and ask your pdoc for a med adjustment, like a slight reduction so that you don’t sleep all the time. Also perhaps take it in the evening, so the main sedation happens when you’re supposed to be in bed anyways.
I had problems with mid-day sedation before I started taking my meds in the evening.
I’m sorry. I think I’m worrying all of you and that’s not fair. I’m just having a moment. I need to be responsible. And take my meds. It’s just so hard when your body and our mind don’t set sync up. I feel so out of control. I’m going to take my meds and wait for a long nap. I’m supposed to be seeing friends tonight. I really wanted to go and now I don’t want to do anything. Anyways. I’m sorry.
Yes I need to take them at night. I thought taking with lunch was good because it’s the meal I eat and I hate dinner. I have to change this. It’s just so hard. Every little thing feels like a daunting task in my life. Brushing my teeth feels unnecessary. I’m going to take them now. I need to get my life together.
The bugs started when I was a little kid and I just have it crepe back into my life every so often. The summer of 2016 was the worst but now I think is the worst it’s ever been. I want to burn myself to get them off. I don’t do that anymore though.
Yes. I see that now with all your help everyone. I think my mom saying I was pretending really messed with me because sometimes I think I’m faking. Does anyone ever think they’re faking their illness and doing this for nothing. But I know I’m not. My pdoc says I have to remember people fake things to get something. I’m benefiting in no way. No special treatment. No financial help because I refuse. So I just am sick. I need to remember this. It’s very hard.
@StripedShirtBoy I am so sorry you are upset…please take your latuda…it’s your friend, not your enemy…it will take a week or so for the meds to kick back in…please be patient.
The “bugs crawling on your skin” sensation is known to doctors as “formication”, and it’s usually a histamine response to allergies, which is why you had such a strong reaction in summer 2016. You could try an over-the-counter antihistamine for it, or maybe go to a dermatologist for better prescriptions.
