I really miss who I was before the onset of schizophrenia

[Teaclipse]

(translated with ChatGPT from my native language, I wanted it to be fluent)

I was actually a very perceptive, intelligent girl. I was well-liked, did very well in school, and life seemed like the easiest thing in the world. Both adults and children liked me – it was almost mystical how easily everything came to me… I remember when I first started learning about mental illnesses, schizophrenia seemed the scariest of all. I used to think, “How can someone go so mad that they start hallucinating?”

Looking deeper, I had one strange trait – whenever things got very difficult at home, or even on ordinary days, I would find moments to drift into my inner world with music. That inner world was often connected to the books I had read – I would mentally replay scenarios from them while listening to my favorite songs.

Now… now I’m a completely different version of myself. More fearful, slower, but one thing has changed – I’ve become more patient with people and what they go through. I used to be quite selfish before the illness, even though I was well-liked and successful… Now I’m overly altruistic, constantly delving into the world’s darker sides, which only makes me suffer even more. These days, I couldn’t be described as particularly successful. The only thing that still went relatively well was my studies, but after stopping my medication, I took a break from university (a year-long official leave, which I formally requested).

So… I’m a completely different person now. From a girl who feared nothing, I’ve become someone afraid of heights, airplanes, fast cars, strangers, crowds, parties – sometimes even my own medications. Sometimes I even feel like I’ve become dumber.

What I miss the most is never having to doubt my own eyes.
Life simply was what it was – trying to understand the world didn’t even seem necessary… After all, it was right there, in front of me! God, I was so positive about everything – especially about my future, which I believed was destined to be great.

And now, here I am. Somehow managing the symptoms – thank God they’re not too severe or frightening – but… still, they’ve turned my life upside down so much that I’ve become a different person.

[angledangle]

What has instilled in me a lot of fear is the panic attacks. They have been receding in intensity and frequency, but they have left an indelible mark on my mind.

I echo your thoughts, before the illness I had no fears, and now I have to deal with all those fears that you mentioned. It is like living in a cage right now compared to before.

It is as though one fear, of panic attacks, that permeated and modified my brain manifests in other respects as well, whether in terms of being around people or crowds, or flying in airplanes. The mind prepares for the worst having seen the worst.

[Bitty]

I never got a chance. My symptoms started so young. I never got to develop as a person. Constantly in survival mode. I was bullied a lot and never fit in during the school years. I did have a good year or two before ■■■■ hit the fan, and I often dream of being that person again though. I wish I never survived the suicide tries. I don’t call this life. Far from it.

[firemonkey]

@Bitty

I was bullied a lot and never fit in during the school years

That was my experience during 10 years at boarding school. With 5 years at public school being far worse than the previous 5 years at prep school. I was advanced for my age intelligence wise, but the complete opposite when it came to how independent I was. I had no great plans for the future. I did mention wanting to be a librarian which I’ve since realised was totally daft, given my difficulties when it comes to social communication and social interaction. Now I would have liked a job, if I’d stayed well, involving something that’s off limits here discussion wise.

[Joker]

I am glad I am not the same person

[signless]

I do too…only certain parts tho.

I use to be alot nore positive and trusting…i could also get a girlfriend easier but now im half the time lol

[Mountain]

I feel much of this. I get slightly wary of people and crowds. But maybe it might be the case of acclimating oneself until it bears no influence? Easier said than done I admit. I struggle a lot.

[see121]

There’s a lot of places you can meet people and make friends. Don’t feel so bad about yourself, maybe find a class like at the gym and get associated with people and interact with others more.

[devra]

When I was young, I used to rock back and forth listening to music, to calm my nerves until I was around 20. I finally bought a rocking chair. Sounds like autism, and I do have some autism genes, but I was always negative on the test, until recently, it said I have tendencies.