This delusion really won’t go away. I think something dumb, and I hear something tell me I’m foolish or stupid or something along those lines and they’re not wrong. I feel like all I do all day is project my shitty thoughts onto others, it really happens without much rest. I really don’t know what to do. How does one live while experiencing psychosis over and over again. I don’t see much point in continuing to suffer. I can’t really talk about this with anyone because it’s depressing, I’m sorry that you had to read this. I feel like every day brings a new wave of suffering, and it’s not like I can escape in my dreams, I had a really ■■■■■■ up one last night.
The weirdest part is that my voices are actually benevolent. It makes me feel really weird cause I don’t want to hear them, but they say kind stuff and seem like they have good intentions. They’ll tell me to stop thinking bad thoughts and kind of direct me in some ways. But whenever I ask them what they are they don’t answer. I just asked them and all they said was “I love you”. Like this ■■■■ really confuses me. Even if I say I hate them or try to be mean they don’t really say bad stuff. I guess it’s better than hearing negative voices, I remember I saw some hellish imps and that scared me.
I really don’t know what’s real and what’s not, I really don’t want to hurt people with my thoughts but I feel like I’m doing it all the time. Anyway. I had to get something out. It’s okay if you didn’t read this.
Sorry to hear you’re feeling that way. I know that prolonged psychosis can be very painful and cause a lot of anguish . A few years ago I had a delusion that I could read other peoples minds. I could hear their thoughts just like I could hear the voices inside my head. It made day to day life nearly impossible. I couldn’t go to the gym because I would just constantly hear other people thinking negative things about me. I couldn’t last more then 15 minutes in any crowded place. There was a solid year where I just couldn’t eat at a restaurant because of the cacophony of negative voices I thought were other people thoughts.
The good news is that it can get better. If you get on the right meds, and then slowly ease yourself back into social interaction, you can lead a fulfilling life. It took me a while but I am better now. Two things really helped me, getting on good meds, and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I am also starting a meditation practice and that has been helpful to me too.
Yeah the funny thing is I was doing well for a bit recently. I was going to college and doing well. Then it just got worse so I stopped. This has pretty much been the pattern for the past 4 years. Get a bit better then worse than before. And honestly it’s not that thoughts that are the worse, it’s the belief that I’m hurting others with my own thoughts. And it truly seems that it is happening. So many synchronicities and coincidences.
This is the nature of voices. They can neither be trusted or ignored. They are your mind. You are trying to trick them and they are trying to trick you, all along, both are trying to survive.
I myself didn’t make it through college due to SZA symptoms. I was later able to earn an Associates of Science online from a state university. When you’re feeling up to it maybe look into Online classes from an accredited school. It was nice for me because I went along at my own pace and take a course load I was able to work with.
