Ok, my pdoc simplified it a bit, but he said, that i turned sick, cause i’ve closed in myself… The first time he saw me, i was even mute. and i was almost mute for 2 decades in fact lol…
Now i fight, believe me. But i guess, that my positive emotions were really inexistant for long… It also feels like i have no energy or life in my soul, neither desire… I just do now everything, that i do like that…
For the buddhists, the desire is a suffering, but in psychology, the total lack of desire is problematic…
I was maybe even empty for years, i wont even mention my bad emotions, they were here too…
But can this come back? The pdoc didnt offer me more meds, but he also said, that efforts cant cure a sz… My ex pdoc said at the end though to keep the zyprexa, which maintains me the best and to pay efforts now… So who is right then? Or maybe i listen to much still at the others?..
I know that its an illness till the end, but its a problem, when you never feel well… i aim the well being now lol… I’ll always have the stigma, i know, but i can have a life too i guess and not be in pain all the time… It sucks, that i didnt believe at all in this earlier, i knew the total despair for years, the meds never helped my despair… so will my positive emotions will blossom maybe? To start to feel my soul too lol?
Ive said today to my mother, that i plan to feel well, she just looked at me sadly… She doesnt believe that, thats all… so i am alone… and i still boil from bad emotions, cause i have no support for a better future etc… But well ok, this is my fault… Freud said, that the long oppressed emotions, end up by coming out in ugly way… Maybe thats this period of mine now, i boil now, yeah, but i still try to keep it with the virtues, not hurting anyone either…
But why if my pdoc doesnt believe in the efforts now, why didnt he offer more meds? But ive took all the aps here too, thats true. Plus many ads who never helped my suffering by an inch even… and why my ex pdoc says to pay efforts on the other hand, they are all contradictory sheesh…
anyway, stay well you all, my mother is capable of saying things like to live alone, without a partner, cause they risk to take away my flat from me, yeah… thats all…
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