Schizophrenia.com

I need help with my eating patterns

I more and more often find myself succumbing to disordered eating. Or the lack thereof. Substituting food with sweetened coffee to supress the hunger and keep my bloodsugar from dipping.
I’m down to one medium meal a day at best, and maybe a random piece of toast now and then.

I’m scared of ruining my weightloss.
I’m scared of giving up the sense of control that comes with mastering hunger.
I’m scared of the nausea I feel when I eat more than the bare minimum to stay alive.
And I’m scared of telling anyone irl for fear of them getting angry I’ve hidden it from them, or suggesting I go inpatient.

But I’ve reached a point where I’m beginning to no longer be able to handle it on my own, and people are starting to notice and make up excuses to have exess food when I see them just so they can see me at least eat something that day, because they know my sense of “it’s polite to accept food when offered” will override my aversion to ingesting anything but liquids.

What can I do? Is there any way to get anonymous, free online counselling?
Is there such a thing as a recovery oriented forum for people with eating disorders?
Is there any way to tell the people in my life who care about me, without them getting angry that I’ve hidden the relapse from them after promising never to do that?

I’m so scared

There are online support groups for eating disorders. Here’s a link to some. You have to scroll down for the online ones. I’m not sure which ones require payment. I’m really sorry you’re struggling with this.

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I have never found one. Forums and group therapies for people with eating disorders generally turn into competitions over who can be sickest.

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If you use reddit, r/****eatingdisorders is probably the most recovery-oriented ED community I’ve found.

My observations generally align with @ninjastar’s, though; unfortunately, you have to be careful when you seek support from/amidst fellow sufferers.

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It really helped my disordered eating when I got put on Geodon, though I kniw that isn’t an option for you in Greece. I can’t take it without a meal, and I need it to function. So I know I will eat at least twice a day.

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Yeah that’s been my impression too.
Much like when people with similar delusions talk, hearing about other’s symptoms that are too similar to your own in those cases a can be quite triggering and contribute to an escalation.

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I’m so embarassed. I can’t believe I’ve let things get this far.
I can’t believe I’m 30 years old and still unable to do more than barely keep myself alive
I can’t believe I’ve lied to everyone around me. True, my sz symptoms have, for the most part, lessened, and I’m on less and milder meds now and still doing better otherwise than I have in years, but I’ve kept this aspect of my mental health from everyone who is remotely able to actually do something about it.

I’m so ashamed.

I’m a failure.

tenor (8)

I was in a very similar boat for a long time. There’s help waiting for you that you absolutely deserve. If I can help in any way, you’re always free to PM me.

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@Miika you owe yourself a compliment. There is no shame in struggling with an eating disorder, just like there is no shame in having a broken leg or a heart murmur. You are a fantastic person and you are reaching out for help. Have you had any luck getting a therapist out there yet?

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