I more and more often find myself succumbing to disordered eating. Or the lack thereof. Substituting food with sweetened coffee to supress the hunger and keep my bloodsugar from dipping.
I’m down to one medium meal a day at best, and maybe a random piece of toast now and then.
I’m scared of ruining my weightloss.
I’m scared of giving up the sense of control that comes with mastering hunger.
I’m scared of the nausea I feel when I eat more than the bare minimum to stay alive.
And I’m scared of telling anyone irl for fear of them getting angry I’ve hidden it from them, or suggesting I go inpatient.
But I’ve reached a point where I’m beginning to no longer be able to handle it on my own, and people are starting to notice and make up excuses to have exess food when I see them just so they can see me at least eat something that day, because they know my sense of “it’s polite to accept food when offered” will override my aversion to ingesting anything but liquids.
What can I do? Is there any way to get anonymous, free online counselling?
Is there such a thing as a recovery oriented forum for people with eating disorders?
Is there any way to tell the people in my life who care about me, without them getting angry that I’ve hidden the relapse from them after promising never to do that?
I’m so scared