I have a lack of Self and awareness. I think my spirit is disembodied. My presence is somewhere else wandering around. I have a mind but it’s a blank screen. I really feel like I’m not there anymore. I can read a book and tell you what it’s about but maybe that’s just some kind of trick. It’s a really sad condition. How can I fully enjoy things if I’m not there to enjoy them? Anyone else have this problem? Sometimes I’m paranoid people are freaked out by me and I want to say, "I’m not the devil, I’ve got a brain disease!"But I’d rather them be scared of me When the illness first hit me in 1987 I feared it would happen. It happened so slowly I didn’t notice. What do you think, am I there or am I an illusion? Everyone says I’m high functioning. There’s a monkey who works at a bar. He makes the drinks for people. I heard someone say, it’s sad, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Happy Halloween 
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That sounds like depersonalization and possibly derealization. Common symptoms of schizophrenia. Someone else on the forum posted similar experiences of depersonalization earlier this morning so you are not alone. A quick google search will give you the details of depersonalization and derealization if you want to know more.
I have the opposite problem. I’m so all wrapped up in myself that I have no interest in others if I don’t use them for something. I’m very withdrawn and antisocial. I have a constant headache.
I googled depersonalization and that’s not it. I just died too many times.
What do you mean by that? You think you have died and come back to life?
I used to think that…then I might actually be hyper-aware. You are so aware of your limits that it becomes a disabling feeling, but its the opposite and I think that makes sense too…but I completely relate. when I first began having the schizophrenia symptom it was like EGO-death–I would say I felt like i lost who I was my personality/ID or EGO was vacant. I had to recreate how I feel or think from memories and relationships…I also notice that I am always in and out of observance, light shades/feelings/are kind of dulled maybe…I imagine a person without it sees the world more sharp and vibrant with the ability to really indulge and grasp all that it has to offer…
thats why I am upset when people mock me for my attempts to dig into my own psyche its really hard to put all the puzzle pieces back…trying to be normal has failed for me…I would rather work on health and healing, but also I am coming back to myself and to me this is a miracle Im truly grateful for and blessed to be able to start putting things back but it takes space/time moreso space…time is just energy /effort cause and effect.
You are not alone. I have been lacking a feeling of “selfhood” since I was child. It’s a typical sign of schizophrenia.
I haven’t got any good advice, but try not to bother too much and engage in the world as much as you can.
Pretend you are having a self, because you do have, it’s just blurred. Sometimes pretending you have a self, can make you (wrongly) feel like an “actor” or “false” but that’s better than isolating yourself.
From wiki:
"A self-disorder , also called ipseity disturbance , is a psychological phenomenon of disruption or diminishing of a person’s sense of minimal (or basic) self-awareness. The sense of minimal self refers to the very basic sense of having experiences that are one’s own; it has no properties, unlike the more extended sense of self, the narrative self, which is characterized by the person’s reflections on themselves as a person, things they like, their identity, and other aspects that are the result of reflection on one’s self. Disturbances in the sense of minimal self, as measured by the Examination of Anomalous Self-Experience (EASE) ,[2] aggregate in the schizophrenia spectrum disorders, to include schizotypal personality disorder,
Most people are born with a sense of self? I feel like i had it, and an acute memory of childhood could be why I remember having a self before losing myself…still, I dont think I have been consumed by the disease.
Yes, most people are born with a natural sense of self. If they have questions about their own self, it’s often something about “identity” but not the deep lack of selfhood that people suffering from schizophrenia have.
Schizophrenics often ask questions about “selfhood” that others wouldn’t understand (i can’t feel my body, i dont know what it means “to be”, or what is the concept of me).
It’s possible to have a decent life with this affliction - you just have to learn to live with it.
And I don’t like someone living my life, I mean who the F**K is this guy?!!! My main voice changes after time. He gets his power by me believing he’s God. I wonder how he gets away with it?
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