The typical concept of schizophrenia by most people is just someone who hears/sees things that arent’t really there and has delusions… and that’s it. I frankly would be ok with that! But at least for me since a week after my psychotic episode I haven’t felt much of an identity, thoughts, opinions, values, and emotional responses. I feel a deep sense of non existence at an identity level I never would have thought possible. I feel like an object, like no ones home. I seem to be lacking a fundamental self awareness or me-ness I didn’t lack before and that everyone is born with.
So I’m curious as to see how many people out there feel this way or if I’m the only one. Was your entire conciouness changed like this at the onset of your illness? If so, did “you” every come back from it even partially and how? Who does not feel this way? (I’m not referring to simply not feeling oneself due to depression or anxiety)
Yes but even worse when I experienced this there would be no way I would be able to put it into words. At least you got that. (Not trying to downplay your illness, more like give you props)= for doing so
I felt that way for many years especially through Graduate School and for many years afterwards. I found myself just going through the motions of life having no real attachment to anything. I finally began to come out of it when i started putting more time into painting and trying to make that how i spent most of whatever energy i had to do anything. Also after being med compliant for over 10 years i decided to cut back significantly on how many antipsychotics and antianxiety/depression meds i was taking that helped a lot with just feeling alive again unfortunately my sleep has suffered significantly.
Yeah I did get out of it. I’m very much my own individual now. Through 2 years 9 months of consecutively taking medication to this date. I was born without much sense of cognitive awareness, so maybe the fact you lost it over time so you can consciously see it. But it will come back. Just keep taking your meds!
Years of therapy I was feeling I was reborn not that long ago. Think I have beaten the negatives and haven’t withdrawn since. Still very distant as have a great deal on mind. Probably the first time I have been looking at myself as a sense of self. I’ve always had identity issues since for some reason my parents decided one day to start calling me by my second name instead of my first. Which just added chaos to the mix. Your post just sounds like part of the negatives symptoms to me.
It’s much more than that for me. At first there was an observer, a"me", trapped inside lithium and abilify, now there is no “me” or any sense of self awareness. I’m glad that it seems that not all schizophrenics experience this horror fully. Peace.
I can’t even sleep because I lack self awareness. I have an inability to self observe on a fundamental awareness/emotional level. If I lie down on a pillow I feel no “me” there, no presence, no “I am”. It’s way beyond even identity issues. It’s something I was born with, an integral part of human conciousness, that’s no longer there. My psychosis was out of the blue and so is this. How do you go from Borderline to this? This is a nightmare compared to B.P.D. If I could muster the will and awareness I’d quickly and summarily kill myself. It seems a cruel joke that I even wake up everyday. I fail to see how therapy can help me, I would need a “me” to begin with. It feels like my brain is broken and my soul absent. I can’t even feel depressed over this. Maybe it’s been so long since you were yourself, how can one know for sure that one is back? I use to have so much inner complexity and depth of emotion, it’s such a shame.
How do you live with it? I had a very colourful personality before this. Now it’s fading fast and I can’t do anything about it. My worst fear is getting stuck like this forever. I’m contemplating suicide before it’s too late and I can no longer muster up the courage to do it. I can’t feel pleasure or anything and I’m not even there to feel anything anyway. My parents are suffering. Thank god I can still cry. I think not all sz’s get this.
yea idk if its that or they dont notice it. its like i lost my sense of self and feel indifferent about everything. I live my day just looking for things to occupy my mind. I had my hopes up that with medication i could return to my old self but they just treat the positive symptoms. If assisted suicide was legal i would consider doing it but i also dont want to give up.
You could look into Sarcosine for negative symptoms. The anhedonia is part of the identity problem. How can you feel you without complex emotional states? I for one will probably just end up offing myself because this blows! I used to have B.P.D. and recovered only to get this. What I’d do in a past life? Good luck.
Have you looked into any type of depersonalization disorder ? I’ve experienced symptoms similar, though not as extreme as you. It felt as if any atmosphere or ego was stripped from me, and things lost all meaning. I also realized during this time I lost my sense of smell. It made me wonder if my frontal lobe had a seizure or was damaged. I became aware of reality as simply particles with no meaning and couldn’t attach any meaning or purpose to anything. Things became grey.
I eventually found my sense of self again by taking natural supplements like 5htp, l theanine, and cdp choline–as well as exercising and pursuing my spiritual beliefs for identity and purpose.
I think the ability to transcend the sense of self is one of the goals of Budhism, but that’s probably a mixed blessing. I remember telling this one guy that one of my favorite themes when I write is that of person moving away from him or herself. He told me that in his case there never was much self there. It probably helps to have a strong sense of identity, as long as the identity is positive. You don’t want to have an identity as a bully.
I have this weird notion that my brain might be low on electrical activity or frontal lobe damage. The most devastating thing is that they don’t have a clue what causes awareness so I’m kind of screwed. I don’t know if it’s DD. This thing feels like some twisted form of autism. It’s a lack of awareness as a self or personhood like just being an object. It feels a bit deeper than DD. It’s definitely not psychological that’s for sure. I was perfectly happy and normal just four months ago! If you’re spiritual send me good vibes! I need them. How long did your experience last and how long did it take you to recover?
I always like to say that there’s a self in selfless. I don’t think it’s healthy to not have an identity or ego. It’s through that that you bond and connect with people. You can only experience the beauty of connection through some degree of separation. It should be all about having an ego that allows as much connection as possible instead of abolishing it. So I agree with what you’ve said about having a strong yet positive identity.