Hi, I’m new to this site so I hope I’m not breaking too many unwritten rules. I have been recently diagnosed with schizophrenia. Being in my 40s is not what I’d expected, and I’m having great difficulty accepting the diagnosis (in actual fact, I’m still refusing to take meds). To the point, a few years ago, when I was still half-functioning, I had a bizarre experience I’ve still not come to grips with. I remember standing at the library about to sit down when suddenly I froze. My “I” had gone! I was still there, but I had no “centre” to speak of, or to speak from. I’m not talking about loss of identity, or even thought blocking (I remember being impersonally aware of my terror), but a complete loss of selfhood, I no longer “was” in first person. I believe Elyn Saks recounting a similar story. A one-off fortunately. Just in case you’re wondering I have experienced depersonalisation hundreds of times in my life (only now is chronic), but this felt completely different. I would like to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks in advance.
Hi there! To judge from the lack of replies my experience was either a) too commonplace b) too weird to be relatable. Which one is it?
I didn’t reply because I didn’t know exactly what you meant. Sorry. I had the theory of depersonalization but you said it’s something different. I had loss of self delusions in psychosis. But I’m still not quite sure what you mean.
First of all, welcome to the forum.
To me, I’d say you fainted on your feet. That is a scary feeling, I know.
I think this is called ego death. People who take psychedelic drugs sometimes experience this. Some Buddhists who are well practiced experience voidness or ego death as well. It isn’t viewed negatively because ‘I, me, mine’ is a form of attachment. I guess with psychosis and altered states of consciousness due to drugs it can be a good or bad experience, maybe bad, like a bad trip. When I was a child and I was sleeping I would experience ego compression and it felt like my ego was being forced or squeezed out of existence and it was very terrifying and I would see cartoon characters and stuff and scream in my sleep with my eyes open. I am kind of hoping maybe if I practice letting go and being at peace if I ever experience another ego death experience it will not be so bad.
Hi, I guess the closest description, as suggested by 3mk29a, would be that of “ego death”. A bad ‘natural’ trip.
Thanks for your kind words, but after checking it out I’m certain it was no fainting fit
When I was 19 I took lsd and had a bad trip and on the comedown my friend calls me up and says on the phone “your ego” I say “I know!!” I become obsessed with the ego.
It has kinda an opposite reaction because I believed I was annointed Christ because of this “ego flow” in my life.
Those two words “your ego” will always loom large for me.
The aftermath of being obsessed with the ego was more impactful on my life than the 4 potent lsd tab trip I had right before.
Hope I’m not triggering anyone
Yeah I can relate
What is the difference between derealization and depersonalization?
Hi, I just copypasted this, I hope it helps. “Depersonalization is a disorder in which one feels detached from oneself. A person also observes oneself as a viewer in this condition. On the other hand, derealization is a disorder in which the exterior world seems to be strange and unfamiliar. It may also be coupled with perceptual anomalies.”
If you’ve got a continuum, at least to me, that seems like an envt. at least, where delusion (seeing the world wrong) could thrive in my mind. Just me, idk abt other folk.
I totally identify with the description
Me too. 666999333
Holy wow. So I just always called these self disorder things “weird interoceptive experiences” and I always talk about them to my psychologist. I sent him the link in an email.
I’ve experienced what you described all of my adult life. I’m 60 something.
Has it gone away for you?
Hi, the “full” ego death described in the post is something I’ve experienced only once. The self-disorder thingy has become chronic though.
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