I just cannot stop

Health and Recovery
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Instead of giving my whole life story and boring everyone I’ll make this as short as humanly possible. I was born with Schizophrenia and have had GaD since as far back as I can remember, maybe even as a baby. I was born blue (Which means I was born without oxygen.) I was without oxygen for several minutes and doctors had to race against the clock to try to save my life. As we all know, they succeeded but it took several minutes for them to get me breathing and I probably lost a lot of brain cells in the process. I have difficulty remembering sometimes, events that happened just a few minutes ago. I am learning disabled and possibly autistic (They never found out because testing didn’t exist in the mid 1980s like it does today and you cannot be tested as an adult for autism.)

Since about the age of seven or eight I’ve been massively depressed and my father started drinking alcohol. He still drinks to this day. When he started drinking he completely changed and physically and verbally abused me from seven or eight all the way until I moved out of his house when I was twenty seven. He’s hit my mother in front of me before as well and my mother was always my world.

But I’ve had anxiety issues since as far back as I can remember and they still linger to this day. I’ve suffered from chronic panic attacks almost my entire life and still to this day. In fact, my GAD is so bad doctors don’t know how to treat it. I’ve had dozens of counseling sessions, been tried on dozens of anti anxiety medications, and even became a devout Calvinist as an adult. Despite finding God, despite being tried on every med under the sun, despite being so paranoid and afraid all day every day, despite all of the abuse I’ve suffered. I’m still here, I’m still alive. But, being alive I’m hoping somebody can understand here, sucks.

Schizophrenia is not a fun illness to have to live with. Neither is GAD. Everyday you live through is another struggle, one after the other and its a wonder why so many Schizophrenics are victims of suicide.

Nobody understands us, everybody thinks we’re psychotic (I am. I get psychotic frequently and have had to been hospitalized multiple times for psychotic issues but its still not a fun label.)

Nobody understands what its like to hear voices and how sometimes they can be comforting other times, scary as hell. Nobody understands what its like to be delusional about every living thing, Nobody understands what its like to completely lose it, or to sometimes have homicidal thoughts towards the people you love that you have to fight against.

Nobody understands us, or me. And I don’t even understand me or what’s going on. It royally sucks. And when you have manic episodes (I’m mixed I have both Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder) what its like to not sleep for weeks and weeks at a time which, makes your psychotic symptoms way worse. Nobody understands what it feels like because you’re a danger to yourself or others. Or to strapped down to a hospital bed for attempting to escape and assaulting the staff. Nobody understands the fear of being permanently hospitalized and being placed away from the people you love and care about. Nobody understands what its like to feel like you’re faking your mental illness when, its impossible to fake being psychotic. You would have to be a REALLY good liar.

Just… nobody understands. Nobody knows what its like. They think their minor issues of depression or losing a job or something is the end of the world. They don’t know what its like to have a mental illness that… cannot be cured and for many years we were just locked up in hospitals and put asleep all day because nobody knew what else to do with us. Nobody understands what its like to have your very soul sucked away by manic depression. Its NOTHING like being depressed.

Just… nobody knows and you know what? It sucks. SO much! And its NO wonder we often die of suicide! Life’s problems just are not even remotely close to what its like living with Schizoprenia.

Doctors think they understand and they’ve gotten us figured out, but they have NO idea.

Anyway, I’m sick of this. I want my life to be over (Not suicidal just through whatever means God wants me to die) I just cannot stop worrying about everything, I constantly feel like I’m dying and the only thing you have left to look forward to is when you’re finally set free.

Can anyone relate? Or am I just so psychotic and pathetic that I just cannot be understood?

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I’m unclear as to what you “just cannot stop”.

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Welcome to the forum!

I think what you’re going through is very difficult for anyone to deal with. Don’t be so hard on yourself

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Hey no one understood me either. But if they ever did, then I would feel like they had got too close. I’m not sure I really wanted anyone to understand me. I just wanted people to leave me alone.

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Welcome to the forums!

I can’t speak for everyone else, but I understand. I can relate. Before I went on meds, I heard voices so loud, I couldn’t think straight. Even with meds, I hear voices whispering all the time. Many of them are insulting and even threatening (to harm and kill me in all kinds of ways). I’ve had persecution delusions in the past, and still suffer from waves of paranoia. I probably still see things that aren’t there but I don’t know for sure because they’re seamless, and I’d need someone with me to confirm what I’m seeing.

I haven’t had any real life friends in a long time, but this site has made me feel less alone. I hope it can do the same for you. It sounds like you’ve been through hell, and are stuck there. I’m saddened at how you were treated. I’m lucky in that my family was relatively normal (not abusive). I got schizophrenia through environmental stressors. It would be nice if my parents had been a bit more social…but anyway, the past can’t be changed. We should try to live in the present.

I don’t think you’re pathetic. Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? I can tell by your post that you’re a really good writer. Do you write stories?

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I’m schizoaffective (or sza) so I’m also schizophrenic and bipolar so yes I do understand after 40 years of living with this horrible illness, both medicated and unmedicated.

Welcome to Sz.com!!! Here you will find a lot of other wonderful, friendly, supportive people just like yourself who also understand. You’re always welcome here @mmbattlestar !

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Welcome.

If you find yourself in need of help, just tag a moderator. Type the @ symbol, then our names

@anon4362788 , @Ninjastar , @Moonbeam, and @rogueone

Enjoy your stay with us!

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I can relate to some of the things you said. First off, I’m sorry you’ve been going through so much for so long. I have been dealing with paranoia, hypervigilence (which kinda go hand in hand), crippling anxiety, and other stuff as long as I can remember, and gone through many episodes of “snap out of it” or “get yourself together” or other impossibilities. IMHO people don’t get it. Try to find a good Dr even if it takes some hit and miss, you are totally worth it and you deserve happiness and good things in your life. Even a small step is a step. Do something good for yourself. You are a fine human being.

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Paranoia and hypervigilance are not the same things. Hypervigilance is overawareness of your surroundings and is based on reality. Paranoia is drawing false conclusions about your surroundings and is not based on reality. @iconoclast_01

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I can relate. I know what it feels like to be pulled down day after day because of my own mind.

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I couldn’t read your whole post, I’m sorry. I can’t read really long posts; it’s quite difficult for me.

But this part stood out to me. My husband was evaluated/tested for autism at age 30 and he was formally diagnosed right after he turned 31. It was a long process, but he was diagnosed as an adult.

Do you live near a big city? There might be a doctor of psychology (like who my husband saw) that might be able to evaluate and test you for autism.

Autism is just part of who my husband is. It doesn’t go away, as an adult. So, he was still able to be diagnosed. Autism just presents a little differently in adulthood compared to childhood. But the doctor got as much info as possible, on my husband’s whole life and behaviors and whatnot. How he thinks, too.

Good luck. :slightly_smiling_face:

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It’s in one of the multiple paragraphs I posted I apologize I tried to keep it short everything that was bothering me. I can’t stop worrying and I can’t stop these multiple thoughts going through my head. It’s my mind is always going a mile a minute if that makes any sense?

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Welcome to the forums @mmbattlestar

I read your entire post, you kept saying no one understands, including family, the general public and even health professionals, I’ve felt that way too for a long time too, I’ve had schizophrenia for 17 years. I’ve suffered with deep depression. I use to have really bad anxiety/panic attacks and agoraphobia. You’ve now found a place were almost everyone understands! :smiley:

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Autism was never confirmed it’s just a theory my mother and doctors had because I had alot of the symptoms. Just when I was a child testing didn’t exist like it does today. Autism runs in my family as well as mental illnesses so its a possibility. My oldest niece has psychotic symptoms and was born with Autism as well.

They didn’t find out I had schizophrenia and bipolar disorder until I was an adult as well. Even though I had symptoms of schizophrenia since I was probably 2 years old. I had to have my first manic episode for them to find out and for me to realize that seeing things that weren’t really there was not normal. Never really talked to my mom about it so she never knew and I didn’t think it was a big deal. When you’re little you think everything is normal.

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@mmbattlestar I struggle with that same issue of racing thoughts. I broke my neck in a car accident 20 years ago, and have had PTSD ever since.

Have you ever tried mindfulness, as a way of grounding yourself? It helps me huge

Welcome to the forum, by the way

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Thanks! I mean not all schizophrenics get dangerous right?

Obviously I’m not dangerous all the time or we wouldn’t be talking and I’d be in a hospital but I thought that schizophrenics just see things differently than “normal” people? Like the delusions and hallucinations?

I think im only sometimes dangerous during episodes because when I get manic and don’t sleep for a long time.

Like my biggest episode I ever had I didn’t sleep for almost a month, I wasn’t medicated at the time because I thought my medicine was poison and refused to take it and I got to be very dangerous. I attacked my wife and had to go to a hospital for a while. Just… not a good time and I learned to take my medicine and not just because the hospital forced me and I wanted to go home lol.

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Welcome to the forum, @mmbattlestar I hope you learn the give and take we experience here.

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Well everyone with schizophrenia has a lot in common, but some of our experiences (hallucinations and/or delusions) and behaviours are unique to the individual. I was never dangerous or violent myself.

I’ve spent a month without sleep too but not because I was manic, i don’t experience mania, but I do have brutal chronic insomnia. I’m taking clonazepam for sleep.

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Thanks! I do have hobbies I’ve been very skilled with computers since I was very young. I’ve been building them since i was around six years old. When my parents got our first computer I actually helped them put it together without any prior knowledge. I was mostly self taught but my dad had a really good friend (who was my friend as well) who taught me most of everything I know from the early 90s to mid 2000s. He passed away when I met my wife he was around 60 when he died and aside from the deaths of my dad’s parents was the hardest hitting death I had to go through. He was a Christian as well as were most of his children.

I was really good in English when I was in school so its no surprise I write well but no, I haven’t written anything sinde I was a teenager. When I went to college English was the only subject I could pass, I flunked everything else. I’m married now and my Father and I mostly get along now. He more than likely doesn’t remember hitting me and being verbally abusive because he doesn’t remember hitting my mom. He apologized over and over again for hitting her but never once apologized for hitting me or how he raised me because his dad did worse to him than what I described to him.

I don’t know and never knew that side of my Grandfather. He was the greatest grandparent I ever had.

But yeah both of my parents weren’t abusive just my dad. My mom and I were very close and still are. My mom knew about my Dad’s verbal abuse but never knew about his physical abuse or she said she would have left him probably. Not until he attacked her and she saw the frightened look on my face and asked me.

My sister and I also were close when we were children, didn’t get along as teenagers as all siblings don’t and got along as adults. When she moved in with her now ex husband was when we started getting close again.

But yeah, I have hobbies they don’t do well at distracting me though. Especially when people lets just say… don’t play as good as I do and I have to scream at them from behind my monitor lol.

My wife and I are together 24/7 but don’t really do much together either. Just watch TV and play video games mostly.

Oh and I also am (mostly) bilingual. I was born in Canada and my sister and I took French classes as kids. We moved to the States when I was six and a half.

I say mostly bilingual because my spoken French is atrocious. I can only read and write in French.

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Welcome to the forum!