Im 22, female.
I hear every single thought outloud. In the air, coming through the people talking in TV, and coming through other people as they talk out loud. Its like I’m constantly being paid attention to. (Not in a good way) my thoughts are always out there heard out loud and people are responding to them (acting like its not a big deal that thoughts are heard and its typically normal for people to communicate in their heads) but I can’t wrap my head around it. I feel like I hear people having an awesome convo telepathically (I’m just an observer trying to keep my thoughts quiet so my presence isn’t known) and its really cool and people are brought closer together from it and all. But I’m just not able to. Someone tries having a convo with me in my head and I freak out and fail miserably. I get really self conscious and really mad at myself and start thinking I’m stupid or mentally incapable. I’m constantly thinking about how I think. The way I think. Why I think this way. Its tiring and I just want to be normal. I don’t want to be inside my own head, trapped in my thoughts. I want to think freely.
And of course because I feel like people are listening to every thought I automatically think the worst thoughts (because my brain freaking hates me and turns against me) and its really bad. I just spend my time thinking bad thoughts I wouldn’t waste my time thinking if I were normal.
I’ve been on multiple antipsychotics. None of them really helped, and now I’m in the position to where my family thinks I’ve “gotten better” and everything has gone away and it was just severe depression. I can’t tell them I’m feeling like this again nobody wants to deal with it. Plus I live with my great grandparents that don’t need to deal with it. I’m at a point in my life where I just have to keep it all together and get through it.
I’m thinking about just saying I have anxiety and going to the Dr for that. I’ve mentioned it to my great grandparents multiple tines before but they’re always like “that anxiety feeling has gone away right? You’re all better today right?” Making me feel like they do NOT UNDERSTAND and won’t so I just have to deal with it.
Which antipsychotics have you tried? I got lucky with abilify and it stopped me being aware of my thoughts, and also the feeling that I was broadcasting them.
Long enough for them to work. They ended up prescribing me the stongest antipsychotic (colozopine) and it was too strong for me. I just weened off of it with my Dr at the time. She decided I should just stop taking meds. (It was a state funded Dr, she sucked) she was anti-meds
I guess my main problem is speaking up and saying look… I’m having these thoughts again and its becoming unbareable. But everyone thinks I’ve gotten over my illness and everyone’s back to normal. I don’t want to be the crazy person again… I don’t want to feel like everyone thinks I’m crazy again.
I started filling out an application on the medicaid website but they’re asking for my great grandparents info because I live with them and its very tedious to get information out of them. I guess I need to do it anyways
Whether the experience stops or not you’ll grow into it… it’s not real. I got used to it though. Still be bullied and spelled out by hallucinations almost every 3 seconds or so around people… but that’s life with sz… so it goes.
I’d try to take some time to get used to the irrelevance of it. If the people don’t seem to care… then you shouldn’t care… work on being who you want to be inside just by pursuing your genuine interests and filling your head with pleasant things to think about regardless of the feeling of them being communicable or not.
Don’t let it psyche you out. I’m sure you are a good person. I’m on here quite a bit if you have any questions.
Thank you. That actually helps a lot. I’m in constant worry about every thought I have. I just need to stop caring about it so much. Trust me I tell myself to just chill out… Its just hard.
Once I do finally feel normal for a few seconds I get so happy that I don’t really right and I intentionally think a thought to mess it all up.
My poor mind is tired.
My heart and my mind do not agree.
I used to be so normal and my thoughts were so simple and pure.
you gotta stay relaxed… a lot of these pressures don’t totally dissipate but they do become easier to cope with and they do reduce in importance… you have to get over the content of what you hear… and then you gotta get through quite a few life hours and you’ll start to see it isn’t important at all. From there I can only hope that it does eventually return normal… but I’m not there yet. Lots of folks on APs do seem to get there quicker… but frankly I’m too much of stubborn dumb-ass to go about it that way.
Yes, I had them all. I believed people could read my thoughts, and I could read the thoughts of others. I too felt like I could have telepathic conversations.
