I have have a better grip, but my faith... Hope.. Dunno

It has been a few months… Almost a year! Since I had this medication that puts 70 per cent of the voices away… I… I can still hear them…

I’m next to homeless at the moment. I’m only holding a roof over my head thanks to my pa, my pa whose been a great help and very supportive… Even at times when I was fully against him. He remained there. I do thank him. But its tough to get that through my thick head of mine. I’m next to being homeless at the moment…

I’m stuck with the remaining voices, there words that get me to think (a lot). I… I believe in what they… In what I hear from them. I think about it. Thinking if… If its right.
What are they saying? You may be asking yourself to ask me. Well, I’ll tell you.
They tell me I don’t do anything. And when I think about it… Its true! I don’t do anything. Not at the moment. Its tough! I don’t have a stable place to stay, so, I can’t go find a job. And school season is over (pretty much). So, I can’t go work on my education of my high school. Which rather frustrates me.
And then there are those voices that make me care for them. When they are hurt, or about to be hurt. It feels like I can’t do anything to pervent it from happening. I even try to interact with them, using my ability of mind-power (I’ve developed this ability over time, which allowed me to have some enjoyment with the voices). However… No matter what ability, reason, force I use. Its like it cannot be pervented. And that angers me… I’ll give an example of this

  1. One day, a couple years back, I punched a hole in the wall of someones house (not going to name who). And I was thrown out. People began to spread rumors about me, lies. Still, back on track. I only punched that hole in the wall because the voices told me one of my closes friends was about to be… Well… hurt. Hurt in a extreme way that recovery is almost impossible. And I felt helpless! Like I couldn’t do anything. And that angered me… And made me sad…

Example Finished.

The voices are here still. Tough to say which are friendly, when they can quickly, instantly, turned against me. I just want a cure that can put them away for good… Forever. Till the day come when I die; hopefully not till a long while.

I’ve tried suicide on muitiple events. Manage to escape the dance every time. I won’t lie. I’m not greatful that I am alive, I’m not greatful that I died. The people I say that I love… Seems not want to love me back. I know those who do love me back, and care for me. I try to get that through my thick head, but. Its tough. It feels like I don’t care… And I have to deal with the ■■■■ of these rumors. Appearently I told my family I wanted to kill them. I don’t recall saying that to anyone. I wonder… If I wasn’t there when this had happened… If that’s why I don’t recall saying these things. But… How?

I’m almost at that point to break away from my family, from my friends that are connected with them. And anyone else who may be close to them. To not deal with what I find as ‘■■■■■■■■’.

My brother says he cares for me. But… I don’t believe in his words at all. And I have reason.
When I moved back at home, where I grew up. He lived there too. And never onced came to visit me. Always riding by. And only time he ever decides to talk to me is when he needs money. This is why I figure him not of a brother any more…

Goes for the same other people I know. Both friends and family.
Maybe I’m just not the one to love… I don’t know…

I feel like I’m losing my faith in them, in myself. I’ve turned from my way of life. My meaning… I think I should re-phrase that. The me who held all of family so dear? Died a few years ago. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like I love them anymore… I tried to find myself. To regained my lost humanity. But when I found it, I mean, when I think I have. It feels… Like all of it was a lie. Like I was moldedly blinded to believe in this way of life… I…I’m not sure of things anymore…

What is family?
What is friend?
What does it mean to love?
What does it mean to show that one cares for another?
What does it mean to be, me?

I feel like I have no empathy anymore…

I don’t know… I’m… Lost.

People aren’t giving to you, but are you giving to them? I’m not speaking about money so much as time and effort. Your dad is helping you. Don’t forget that. A lot of the time when a person tries to cut himself off it doesn’t work.

It’s been a long stretch with this illness, within 4 years I began to recover. Deep down I kinda know how much chaos I’ve brought to my family with this illness. Yes they may speak in a manner that is a little rejecting, but deep down to the core they love me and would give their life for me to not have this. I still deal with voices and such, but with therapy and medication, I’m like any other “Normal”, besides the lack of motivation to do essential things to be independent. This illness is a very agonishing/hellish like suffering, but in the midst of the suffering is joy. It’s not easy having one of the worst mental illness in the world, the correct therapy helped me a lot though. I love you man, and I really hope the ball can slightly start moving into the right direction. Hang in there, there is always hope and a 1000 new beauties yet to be discovered. I feel for you, message me whenever.