Trauma processing is hard but I have no choice.
I realized I ran away from myself in so many ways. I hate who I am, so I suppressed myself so hard I had to rediscover myself in my last 20s. Now I’m here again, like I am me finally, and I’m in a more secure and safe place physically and emotionally with some amazing people in my life that are my chosen family. My real family doesn’t understand me, and I don’t understand them. Well I do but I wish not to.
I am trans there is no doubt about that. But I pushed it too hard and went a little too far in the transition than I really wanted deep down I suppose. Though I had no way of knowing. I have dissociated most of my life.
I don’t have BPD, I don’t have DID. I have autism, ADHD, sza, CPTSD, and FND. Its a lot but so much dissociation they couldn’t figure out what was going on when I sought treatment my early 20s. I was developing psychosis and was so unstable.
Eh I still am sometimes. Meds help. Not running away from myself and my feelings and being human is hard but helps.
I want to stop running away but I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I almost drove away from the house the other day because I was in a PTSD episode. My boyfriend stopped me, and my whole body was trembling so bad and my legs gave out. I don’t like being this way.
We’re looking for an apartment and we decided to get one with stairs so I can retrain my brain. I’m getting into PT ASAP though I’m transitioning Medicaids currently.
I’m ranting. There’s a lot going on. Trauma processing on top of moving, starting a new job, and wedding planning, I don’t recommend it. I’m also trying to learn how to be a step parent.