I once posted on same topic. Now it is unbearable. I feel like losing focus and concentration at work. I am not able to perform well. I feel so energy less and lights out in me. Based on these patterns I feel like running away from life.
Not sure what I will do after running away. Not sure where I will go. What I will do. But these are recurrent thoughts.
When I am doing some intense work I feel like no intrusive thoughts are coming but occasionally some crazy thoughts pop in my mind. But just have to complete the day and then I will be safe.
Hope I survive and do my work and be normal for at least 4-5 years then I will be free to decide on my life much better.
I would not run away if things are going ok. Just that I am scared if things go bad for me, what I will do or need to do. Maybe, I need to worry about how to improve on myself with taking breaks in between. That will help me move on and not move back.
@Dr.A_B_C I know it is not the solution. But I am fascinated to run away from home always. I never used to feel good about being at home or with people. It is hard-wired in my brain. I was made weird from the beginning. It was not by birth after birth. I am not able to explain well about my issues or form a structured story about it. Always unreasonable and not natural.
I have never done anything better or good or worthwhile for myself. Except that I got a better job now. Yes you are right mental illness ruling me and deluding me and it’s not good to run away. But whatever happens let it happen. To change the pattern of thinking and behaviour I need super human powers.
Words like these helps me. I do not have my father or brother to advice me. Friends I could not explain this freely. I feel this site helps me vent whatever I have in my mind that is bothering me and get some help.
You know why I feel running away mostly because of the constant physical and mental abuse which I was not able to overcome and could not resolve it both physical and mental wise. Now I am able to resolve physical part. Mental things are PTSD kind of stuff.
Just need to find ways to adapt to the new life and enjoy the things that I have while it lasts and learn as much as I can about the job and move forward.
I am not good at keeping jobs or doing jobs constantly. I have been very on and off in jobs due to health issues. Now I am trying really hard to work well and do my part for the family. Sometimes it is overwhelming and bit hard to grasp the things at work. But hope I manage and do it.