I love these days when I feel calm and focused. Haven’t felt like this for years. Probably more than 15 years.
Although I keep thinking about my situation, being stuck in life. I wish I could do something with my life. I’m jealous of you guys who are working and studying. I don’t understand how you do it?
Do you have any idea why today is good? I wouldn’t wreck it with comparisons…just do things you enjoy. 
As for being stuck, some people just have more energy. I can’t work at a job right now and I have to accept my limits. It’s very hard having limited money. I can’t afford cable, TV or videogames, so I can’t keep up with the most recent shows that other people like to talk about. When I talk books, people get this glazed-over look in their eyes. I would love to have Disney+ so I can know what people are talking about.
I’m not formally studying, but I read regularly. I can’t do a lot of reading in a day though. One or two hours at the most. I can write for about one hour, sometimes two hours. The good thing is that I do these hobbies consistently, and things add up over time. Usually, I can make art for much longer (two to three hours a day), but dropped art has a hobby.
I have no idea? I wish I knew. Then I would be able to do something productive.
Books is a good way to keep yourself going.
When it comes to tv, video games etc, most things are just garbage. There are some gems but you are not missing out. I sold my Nintendo recently. Most of what people digest is contemporary and they watch or play it because of the hype.
I have difficulties remembering things from the past. It’s like I was struck by amnesia when I had my psychotic break. I try to remember books I’ve read but it’s blank.
Being able to read and write for 2h straight is good. As you say it adds up.
I have difficulties watching movies. After one hour my mind starts wandering. I have to keep forcing myself.
It’s cool that you did art as a hobby. Hopefully you’ll get back to it. It can be very therapeutic.
I had two ‘sane’ days in January of this year, back to back. I thought I was suddenly cured. I felt so normal. No anxiety, no paranoia, no depression. The voices were still there, but it was no big deal. I wrote down what I did leading up to those days and tried and recreate them, but I don’t get more sane days, for some reason. The mind is a mysterious thing…
I’ve heard they’ve gone downhill a bit. Oddly, I’d love to play basketball on the Playstation. I like that game, but was too short in high school to play it well. I wasn’t built for running around either. I have some injuries now that don’t allow me to do anything high impact. So I’d love to play sports games.
I’m sorry. That must be frustrating.
Some of them are so busy, my mind departs from reality. Where it goes, I had no clue. I’ve had some scary black out episodes where the movie overloaded my brain, and I ‘missed’ part of the movie, and came back out of the black out during the credits. I have to watch a movie over two or three days now.
I also have had days where I thought I would recover from this illness. Then symptoms creeps up. It’s very frustrating.
At the beginning of my illness I had severe blackouts. I could go out walking and didn’t remember how I got where I’m at. Luckily those blackouts went away.
You seem very articulate and you write very well. You are structured and you make sense. That part you haven’t lost. 
I set small goals and try to hit them. When I do I set more goals. The goals eventually got larger over time. I have tracked all of this in a recovery journal where I log what has worked better, what hasn’t worked well, and what has left me standing in a smoking crater. I also do as much therapy as I can. I practice CBT exercises nearly daily. I work on a therapy book daily. I talk to other AA members and attend AA meetings when I can. I engage myself with fun hobbies that keep my spirits up. I try and eat as well and exercise as much as I can with my health problems. I do my best to maintain a growth mindset.
Sounds like you have put in a lot of work. I want to do CBT but don’t know if I would be able to put in the effort. Anything that needs structure in my life makes it hard for me. But at this point I really need to do something. I’ve hit rock bottom.
Your life is already hard. You have decide if it’s a good hard or a bad one.
Yes, you are right. Life is suffering whatever we do. We have to choose our pain. I don’t know if it makes any sense but you probably get it.
Oh, I get it. I had a rough day at work yesterday and I’m doing some work today without pay because I am salaried. It is still better than spending a day staring at the four walls with nothing to do and no money to do anything anyhow. I won’t lie and tell you I always handle it well because I don’t, but I think things are better than when I was first ill and just sat around inside doing nothing all the time.
Also, I’m nothing special. I’m a d00fus. If I can do it then so can a lot of other people.
@Speedy , I’m so happy for you that you’re having a good day. I hope you do something fun to enjoy it
@anon82948922 , your methods sound really good.
I struggle with fear of going out and the men taking me, and while I’m doing things on my phone or computer or in my home I can just picture them at computes watching everything I’m doing. It’s constant, every day, all day.
I know they’re watching and judging and determining if I should be punished. They like me on house arrest. They haven’t followed me into the grocery store for about 3 months now so I guess they’ve decided I’m allowed to do that.
Anyway, with all that worrying in my head, it’s hard to work and be productive. I also no longer enjoy my hobbies. That’s a real bummer
So, like @Speedy , I don’t know how you do it all. I’m super impressed that you do though, that’s for sure. I mean, I’m in therapy doing cbt, and I set goals for myself each day, so at least I’m doing that like you. But I’m really struggling to move beyond what I’m currently doing
Shoot, yes. I also forgot to say this. Glad you’re having a better day Speedster.
Great to hear you’re having a good day @Speedy
Enjoy it!
Thanks guys!
I’m going to eat dinner now and then I’m going to bed. Big day tomorrow. I’m Santa Claus! 
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